My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year, and we've been trying to fuck, but can never seem to get it right. I'm the bottom and every time, we have to stop because I keep experiencing an intense pressure coupled with a burning pain. I've read up on tons of sex ed material. After getting relaxed and turned on, as well as preparing myself (sometimes for 20+ minutes), we finally get down to business. However, just after he gets 3-4 inches in, the pain starts. We've only even been marginally successful in the missionary position. In other positions, the pain is much more immediate. Sometimes, it also feels like he's stretching the rim of the sphincter or hitting the walls inside, so maybe it's because of improper angle. My boyfriend is thicker than average, but not so much so that it should cause this kind of difficulty. Could there be something wrong with me? should I see a doctor?
bmechm, First off, I'd say there is nothing wrong with you. Take my input for what you will. I'm not really into anal sex, but I'm a Top when I do participate. I am also all about mutual satisfaction with my partner so I have done my best to study the subject and prepare my partner to the best of my ability when I do participate. Having said all of that, it sounds to me like the pain you describe is directly related to you tightening up after he penetrates you. I don't think the amount he penetrates you is the issue, it's how long he penetrates you before you tighten up, thus the pain. (Of course, I could be wrong.) The reasons for that can be (1) you haven't properly trained the muscles in your anus to receive your partner's penis (and sometimes that takes actual practice with his penis over multiple sessions for a limited amount of time each 'session' for you to get used to the feelings and to understand how you need to relax both the outer and inner anal muscles). (2) Your partner isn't preparing you properly or long enough with foreplay. Depending on experience and your natural ability to control your anal muscles, it may take various foreplay over a period of at least 30 minutes to an hour to relax your anal muscles. That may include rimming, fingering, and often (most especially if you aren't used to anal sex) using a Sex Toy such as a butt plug or dildo to help open and relax the anal muscles in order to be able to receive his penis comfortably. Use of plenty of lube is also a key for smooth penetration. Generally, it should become more comfortable and much more pleasurable over time, with practice, and certainly with proper preparation (the foreplay I described). Again, I speak from the knowledge of a reluctant, but concerned Top, so take what I say accordingly, but I think I have a pretty decent understanding of how to please my Bottoms...
Also, make sure he goes slow at the start. If he goes in too fast, that could be part of the problem. And you should push out - like you're having a bowel movement - to receive the sex toy(s) and his penis.
Good advice already, but may I ask, how are your bowel habits? Do you go regularly, and when you do, is it easy or difficult to pass? Do you experience any pain or discomfort during movements, or find blood in the toilet or on the tissue? If toilet visits are painful, or if you find blood or experience general soreness in or around your anus do visit the doctor. It's possible you may have a tissue tear/s.
There is also the possibility that you are too excited and instead of being relaxed you are tense in expectation... Yes it sounds weird but it does happen and not only just with sex. A butt plug might be a better way to start as they have a much more gradual increase in size. And lube, if you think you have enough, add a little more. Also I have thought you do not want to try and push a toy or your partner out, as that might hurt you.
What kind of lube and condoms are you using. Try switching them up and/or using more lube. Could be an allergy. Could be that you just need more lube.
Relaxation is key, as is warming up with a sex toy. Also try different positions. Both of you laying on your side might work.
I've only had anal sex a couple times, but every time I have my partner and I have warmed up with toys. Try getting a set of toys that increase in size. Your problem may simply because you are nervous and expecting the pain, so you unconsciously tighten up. Use lots of lube and make sure you are relaxed and ready. If all else fails, maybe switch? If your partner is willing maybe topping him will let you relax a little more the next time? Really, just keep trying. Don't give up but don't push yourself too hard. You don't want to hurt yourself.
It took months of regular practice before my boyfriend and I were having anal sex that we both enjoyed. Until then, there were many times when things didn't seem to want to work. Certain positions were limiting and would cause him to keep popping out -- I'm the bottom almost always -- or he'd have trouble getting in. Pain wasn't so much an issue beyond the first minute or two of his entry; only a handful of times was there some type of pain that continued throughout the session. Your issue could be related to a number of things, but I agree with the others who have said that it's probably because you're tensing up. Here's what I might suggest and what worked for me: Make sure both the anus and penis are lubed really, really good (seriously, don't be shy with the lube). Let the bottom be on top while the top lies down on his back. Bottom straddles the top, inserts penis into anus slowly, inching down onto it bit by bit. Once it's all the way in, just sit there for a minute or two before you start moving. This lets your body get used to the penis on its own before adjusting to a thrusting penis. The movement of sex is much less jarring and much less likely to cause pain when you've kind of sat there for a minute or two and gotten used to the sensation of the penis. Plus, it gives you an idea of "threshold"; once he's all the way in and you're sitting there getting used to it, you can say to yourself "Okay, so this is the furthest he'll be in there, so now I know what the rest of this session should be like... it won't feel much more intense than this." If you're comfortable with that, the rest should be easy. But it's really important you don't just immediately take it all the way, and it's also important that he doesn't immediately start pumping away. When you finally do start to move up and down on it, pay close attention to the sensations down there and make sure you don't start clenching. This is another reason why the cowgirl/cowboy position is great for newbie's: It gives the bottom control over the movement and the amount of penis being used. Once you feel like you've gotten adjusted and comfortable, you can try switching to other positions and you'll find that they're all much easier when you've already "warmed up" while you were riding. I can't imagine you'd be feeling pain at this point, but if you are, it's important to stop and address it. The drawback to anal sex is that there are a lot of things that can go wrong up there since sex isn't the intended use for an anus. Anal sex can be amazing, or it can be your worst nightmare. When you begin experiencing pain, you should stop and either adjust the position, try a different position, apply more lube, or if none of that works maybe just take a break for the day. It's a learning process. You're learning what works and what doesn't work for your body, and it'll get a lot easier and more natural as you continue practicing. Good luck, hopefully this helps.
