*URGENT* I Need Help with Coping with Coping with Anxiety. Please.

Hello! Sometimes art/music can be helpful- it really is to me, personally. When I was having a meltdown, I'd play guitar till my fingers bled.
Of course, it's more of something I personally like.

Is something particularly calming to you?

What do you mean by self destructive ways?
If you're referring to self harm, you could try to do less harmful alternatives to that if it comes to it. Keep all sharp objects away from your room, snap a rubber band against your arm, try squeezing an ice cube tightly in your hands. Something that causes an unpleasant sensation but isn't particularly harmful.

Also, very important- have you been able to get therapy, possibly see a psychiatrist?
Some people cannot afford therapy, and that's unfortunate, but if you can't you can try to find a school counselor- or there are online resources for people needing help. There are crisis text lines, 7cups.com (if you need to vent or need someone to listen).
Have you also considered the possibility of medication? I used to have crippling anxiety and I no longer do since I've been on medication six months.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about how you're doing, I know how difficult these mental issues can be and I really hope you can find what you need before the situation becomes dire.

<3

 

I'm happy to hear that you've tried these coping skills. It makes a huge difference, even though it may not always prevent you from doing worse.
I do understand your struggles with self harm, I myself have relapsed multiple times back into it after being clean for a period of a few months. It's very hard. You're very much not alone in this. Many of us, even in empty closets have gone through this at some point.

It does sound like you get quite a bit of stress from your parents, is that right?
Outside of your counselor do you have any other supports? Was it your parents who deemed the medicine unneccesary, and how did you feel about it? How long were you on it, did it show any difference?

 

Your writing indicates that perhaps your parents are (maybe without realizing it), somewhat fueling your anxiety.

The first thing is, perhaps 2x a month with the therapist isn't sufficient.

The second thing I have to recommend is that you could try doing some work with a therapist who is skilled in the ways of "biofeedback," which is a way to get in touch with your emotions and anxiety, and use certain methods of focusing to reduce the external stimulation and thereby control anxiety. The blackboard exercise you described is just one example of this--there are many more, including the breathing exercises you mentioned. Drugs may work, but there is a down side to those of course.

And the third thing I think you could try is to carefully log what kind of circumstances you are typically in when the anxiety is triggered. Perhaps this is an easy question for you to answer, and then again maybe it isn't. Is there some situational factor that you can point to that sets this off more than others? Anxiety sometimes can be very situational, as opposed to something just free-floating. An example would be someone who is normally relaxed, but who suffers incredible anxiety when taking a test, or talking in front of a group.

The common thread of these suggestions is working with someone nonjudgmental and objective, such as a therapist. Your parents probably don't qualify for this role.

 

I think you're lucky to have those friends who are so caring.

Regarding the pressure that your parents impose on you, is there a performance component to it? What I mean by that is such things as academic pressure, musical performance, and so forth. Or is the pressure more of a "get well" kind of prodding? I wonder if anyone has suggested the possibility that you could do some joint counseling with your parents.

Also, if you'd like, write a bit about your musical talents. Are you exceptional in some way, as measured by peer review or academic grades, etc.? I've met a few people of great talent who put themselves under high pressure in a similar way.

I guess I'm trying to get at the question of whether your anxiety is principally social, or performance oriented.

And also, if your anxiety is triggered entirely by situational factors, then perhaps your psychiatrist was right to address this without drugs, preferably. Remember, I don't have training in that field so I am not a good source of any medical advice. But when conditions are perfectly correlated with extrinsic factors only, then often it's more effective to work on reactions to those factors rather than using drugs as a long term solution.

 

Oh yes, it helps a great deal. And congratulations on surviving this far, from a fellow only child and also one who crashed and burned in junior high school, for social reasons.

I've known a few people who were pushed, by their parents (like you have), to be a superior musician. I could never tell if they liked it, really. It appears to me that you might like it quite a lot, but not appreciate the pressure.

And your parents--they are the sort who apparently believe that you can will problems away. If I were them, I'd certainly compare your performance to accomplished artists, but only to gauge just how good you are. It makes no sense to push a child to duplicate what a uniquely talented person did from a very young age, with literally tens of thousands of hours of focus.

You don't have to be world-class, to be accomplished in your own right, either. I am very good at what I do. I have focused on it since the 4th grade, and that's a long time ago. I would do it for free. Doing it for money somehow has diminished the enjoyment, in fact. However, as good as I may be, I am not at that level you'll ever see me on television or in the papers. I know what it's like to be a "nerd," and it sure seems like you might be one too--and hopefully you won't take that as a put down. I am quite proud of it, because without it I might have been very doubtful of my worth as a person. All of us have to be good at something, I think. What good means, is a very big subject indeed.

What you wrote convinces me more that your parents really need to be in counseling with you, but only part of the time. They don't need to hear everything that goes on, between you and your therapist.

As controlling as your parents are, am I to assume they are not part of those 4 people who know about your sexuality? If they can't deal with the slightest shortfall of your talent, then I can only imagine what the rest might do. Is this a problem?

So, now here's another question that you might have to think about a little bit. Is there some other special interest, skill, hobby or study, that you would trade music for if you had 100% power to choose and if there were no other consequences? I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this. I want to make sure you are doing what you're doing, for you and not mainly for your parents' benefit. If you are doing it for you, and they're just an inconvenience with their nagging obsession, then I think that would be easier, than if you really wanted to be, say, a microchip designer.

Here's a word you should meditate on: Empowerment. What I mean is that your parents can push, but you're going to be the final decider of what really gets done. It's seeming to me that your anxiety and adrenaline are coming from anticipating the consequences of disappointing too-high expectations. This is exactly what the joint counseling with your parents probably should best work on.

Are my guesses and intuition with this OK or even close?

 

Hi! I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety problems. If anyone knows about how horrible anxiety can feel, it's me. I suffered with severe anxiety from age 8 to age 15. What helped me is finally telling my psychologist about what I was anxious about. Telling someone saved my life.

May I ask what you are feeling anxious about?

I agree that your parents are most likely fueling your anxiety. They seem almost neglectful of your feelings and mental health. I can relate because my mom used to get frustrated when I had panic attacks. She would even yell if I didn't eat (I couldn't swallow because my anxiety convinced me that I would choke). I lost a lot of weight and became borderline anorexic. I know my mom was just frustrated, but she really didn't know how to help me cope.