Hi all, First off, I'd like to apologize for being a bit of an inactive member on EC... forums only thrive when people respond to things, not just ask things, so I apologize. Although I don't know that I have any advice to offer anyone right now, but I will someday! I'm having a hard time with my sexuality, and I guess it's sort of an age old thing, but I'm having difficulty with the whole sex vs. love thing. I'm a young guy (20's), and when I was coming of age my main "education" on sexuality was through pornography, often sadistic/masochistic. But at that time, sexuality for me personally was still connected to love. I could see myself being in a loving AND sexual spouse relationship. But now... it's gone. Right now, sex is completely unconnected to love for me. Which isn't a problem for some people obviously, everyone's different, but it's a problem for me. It never used to be this way. But after spending the last 10 years in the closet, I think my prior self esteem issues may have left a mark, even though I've largely overcome them now. For me, sex has become something "illicit," which it never really used to be. My sex drive isn't quite as high as it was when I was 20, 21, but when I do think about sex, it's even more masochistic or sadistic than it was before. I often daydream (somewhat seriously) that I should just leave my job and become a pornstar. And it bothers me. Because intellectually, I've finally come to recognize that I'm capable and worthy of love, I'm not an object to be used... but the rest of my mind/body doesn't respond in kind. I've never been sexually active and I've never dated. I think maybe part of my issue is that I've stifled so many genuinely romantic crushes over the years, that it's pretty hard to feel that sort of thing for someone anymore. Turns out, the closet really does screw up people. Didn't believe it, finally just learned that first hand. Any insight? What to do? How to get over it? Embrace it? Deal with it some other way?:help:
