Hey guys, So I have been dating this guy for a few weeks and he is really nice. We had sex once and it was kind of (I'm a bottom) since I hadn't been penetrated in a while and I was really tight. We were gonna go for a walk through this forest and there is like this empty area where we can makeout and do stuff. So we made out and gave each other oral and he had a condom and he was saying let's do it, I said no since we didn't have lube and I'm really really tight and need lube. He said the condom is already lubed etc. and he just wants me to sit on his dick for a bit so my ass gets used to it. I kept sucking him off and then he put the condom on and I kept saying no I don't wanna do it without lube. He sat down and told me to sit on his dick and I just like thought I would do it but clench my ass and show him it won't go in without lube so he would stop. So I just spit on his dick and I sat on it but it actually slid in and it didn't hurt. It felt good but I was scared cuz i was worried I would tear my ass. So I wanted to stop and he was like noo just sit on it for a bit and I tried to get up and he held me down on it and wouldn't let me get up. I was kind of getting upset and I tried to get up again but he wouldn't let me get off it it .. at this point maybe only the tip was in but I was clenching. Then I literally grabbed his thigh and twisted his skin so he would let me get up and I started crying... I was kind of hysterical for a few mins and I kept asking him "why wouldn't you stop" and he felt really really bad, he was like hugging me and stuff and all day he felt so bad about it and he still does (I stopped crying after a bit and we hung out). I'm not sure what to think of this. Would you consider this rape? I should have just stopped and not sat on it when he put the condom on or spit in the condom cuz I think I gave him the wrong idea. But I think he should have stopped when I wanted to get up and not forced me down on his cock. What do you guys think? Also I had no pain or blood so I know I didn't tear.. however in the past the outside of my ass tore during sex in a similar situation which is why I was so scared.
Sex stops being consensual as soon as you remove consent, so I would say yes it was rape. You voiced your opinion, you told him to stop and he didn't. He obviously feels really bad about it, i guess it was just the heat of the moment and all the hormones that made him keep going.
Yes. Rape is when consent is not present during sex. Consent is when someone is enthusiastically into whatever sexual act they are doing. Its not a "eh... I really don't want....agh sure...I guess if you want to..". Consent is saying "fuck yes lets do this!" I could be getting fucked for 10 minutes and then out of no where decide that I want to stop for no apparent reason. As soon as I say "stop" or try to push him off then they should immediately stop no questions asked. You guys have to have a conversation about this. For example, come to an agreement that as soon as you say "no beacuse..." then he just has to accept it. This whole notion that you have to convince someone and push them get them to have sex is awful. No means no, and he has to learn to accept that. The other thing that you should be aware of is that you might struggle to trust him again. Maybe you won't have that problem, but if you do and you don't trust him to be able to stop in the future, then that's something that you both should work on. That is if you decide to stay with him. I'm really sorry that you had that experience. Tons of hugs you way (*hug*)
Yes. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, even during sex. Once you said no, he should have stopped.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. And I have nothing but contempt for self-centered assholes who do these sorts of things. Yes, it is rape. No question. Unfortunately, you won't get a police officer or district attorney to move on it, because the circumstances are ambiguous. If you haven't already, I'd end this relationship. If this person isn't respectful of your needs now, he's going to be even less so as the relationship gets more serious.
Unfortunately, people often think that just because you know someone or are dating them that it is not to be taken as seriously when these things happen. This was absolutely a case of sexual assault/rape. No matter at what point consent is withdrawn the sexual act needs to end and that decision needs to be respected by all parties involved. I am sorry that this has happened to you and I encourage you to be very open and honest with him about how you felt afterwards and during so that it will not happen again, if you are to stay with him.
What everyone else said, and especially what Chip said. No means no. Consent can be taken away at any time. I am sorry this has happened to you.
I'd say no, because maybe he thought you were scared and wanted to proof you otherwise. But if you feel like it's rape, it is. If not, then it isn't.
This person said they started crying and asking the person to stop. Would you keep having sex with someone who started crying? Also, would you keep pressuring someone who continues to say they don't want to do something? Just because this person wasn't held down with a knife and forced to have sex doesn't mean they weren't raped. Rape stops the moment consent stops, and this guy continued to push through this person's boundaries. It's not all that unusual to be pressured into sex slowly by some void who believes his sexual needs are above others' comfortability and safety. It happens. It's shitty and a type of assault all its own, but this person really crossed the like when the OP asked to stop and the person didn't comply. Rape isn't rape just because you believe it's rape. Rape is when you say no and someone doesn't stop because they have absolutely no regard for your feelings or body. Rape is when you didn't give consent. That happens in all different forms. Who teaches you guys? Lord.
This is why people need to be taught what rape is and not to do it while they are still young. I know, I know, you hear all the time "That's an insult to men (and women as they can assault others as well)! They already know rape is wrong! You can't stop criminal behavior!" But if you read the responses and view the actions of others, you realize they DON'T know this. Sure, the average guy knows It's wrong to pin someone down with a knife, violently rape them, and leave injuries. But so many of these same guys don't know It's equally wrong to pressure someone until they give in. To keep going when someone says no when they're on the verge of tears. To sleep with someone under the influence, especially if they are more intoxicated and blacked out than they are. They're all degrees of rape, just like murder has different degrees in the law.
@OP As you might have noticed by the ongoing debate it is sometimes hard to define what does and does not count as rape, as definitions are different in many cultures and the seriousness of the topic which makes some people precautious to call some things rape. I think that generally everyone agrees that what he did was wrong, the question is merely if asking yourself whether it was wasn't rape is going to help you. If you are planning to break up with him due to what happened then it would simply suffice to state that he did something you didn't want, regardless of definition. If you want to talk with him about what happened, throwing the word "rape" around will be extremely counterproductive. I think that it would be more helpful to you to actually think about what happened, how you feel about it, how he feels about it and if you want to do something about it. Wondering whether it was or wasn't rape isn't really going to help with that.
The whole situation sounds pretty creepy, and I'm sorry it happened. How do you feel about it now, though? Have you talked about it with your SO? Yes, I do think that is rape, but do you plan to do something about it because it is? How are you feeling?
Yes, I do believe it qualifies as rape. Your partner was out of line here, and while he probably didn't mean it, that's a serious breach of trust. I think you should talk to him about it (as mentionned before, don't necessarily tell him ''you raped me!'' The conversation might turn defensive on his part and become pointless).
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