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Anxiety Over Anal Sex

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by alainbeaux, Jan 23, 2017.

  1. alainbeaux

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    Hi Everyone,

    Ok, so I'm completely closeted so I've never had sex. But one thing that's sort of partially keeping me in the closet is my deep seated anxiety of anal sex, which is something I'm obviously attracted to as a gay man, but also somewhat repulsed by. I'm going to be blunt, I can't imagine myself EVER bottoming. Quite honestly, I think my preferred sexual practice (assuming I ever get any) would probably be some form of frottage. One of the most vivid dreams I've ever had was a little while ago and I was frotting with this guy I had a crush on in high school. It obviously wasn't real, but it was seriously one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life because it felt so real to me. I was so in love with this guy and this was the first dream like this I'd ever had. And it didn't involve any anal. Anyway, my real point here is that I'm afraid if I do come out I will be continuously rejected by potential boyfriends because I will either refuse to bottom or engage in anal sex in general. So, I sort of figure, why even bother coming out if my chances of finding a boyfriend or so limited (I should add I'm NOT interested in hooking up but in someday having a lifelong committed relationship with a guy i.e. marriage). I know I've never tried it, but please believe me, I am absolutely sure I will never enjoy bottoming. As sure as I know I'm gay I know I can never bottom. Do you guys honestly think this will be a problem for me in forming relationships if I come out? Please be honest, I can take it.
     
  2. WarmEmbrace

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    I've learned on my own journey that there's plenty of gay guys who would rather be exclusive bottoms. Absolutely no problem for you there. (*hug*)
     
  3. looking for me

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    plenty of MSM are bottoms and plenty don't like engaging in anal in any form. there is no cookie cutter manner to be gay.
     
  4. Morse Code

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    There are definitely other options for activity besides anal, so if it's something you don't want to do, it seems there won't be any problems with that.
     
  5. gchal00

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    No worries. Many of us have the same concern at first. Have you tried experimenting with your self? Start slow. Get some lube and lightly massage the outside. See if you enjoy that. Work up to inserting a finger slowly and gently. Use lots of lube, breathe normally and stay relaxed. You are in control. You can try toys as well. The amount of nerve endings there make anal stimulation amazing.

    It hasn't been my cup of tea most of my life, but I'm exploring prostate pleasure. I'm sorry I waited half my life to work up the courage to do it.

    And like noted by everyone else, anal sex is not the only way. Not all men are going to demand you bottom for them. For every one top, there are about 1000 bottoms out there :lol:

    Don't worry. You'll be fine no matter what you decide. I would not let that stop you from being with a man.

    Good luck!
     
  6. justinf

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    I hate to rain on everyone's parade and I hope you won't feel discouraged by my opinion, but you did ask us to be honest, so that's what I'm going to do.

    In my experience, as much as I believe there are gay guy who aren't interested in anal sex at all or who are 100% top or bottom, the vast majority out there is definitely versatile and will prefer a versatile partner as well.

    The fact that you're so dead set on never even wanting to try it out, leads me to believe that for whatever reason you're simply uncomfortable with the idea. Now it could very well be that you really just don't like bottoming, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, if you 'don't like it' because, as I said, you're uncomfortable with the idea, then that to me would seem like a problem, because it tells me you're ultimately uncomfortable with yourself or have preconceived ideas about what bottoming means.

    Let me repeat that you absolutely do not have to like bottoming. But I would suggest you stay at least somewhat open to the idea. That alone would be enough for me to date you.
     
  7. I'm gay

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    justinf has a valid point here. Sure, there are guys who do not like anal sex and will not do it. But they are definitely in the minority. Most gay guys do like anal sex, and your refusal will likely limit potential partners for you. That's not necessarily a deal-breaker, and you could find someone who has a similar aversion like you.

    I also agree with gchal00 that you might actually like it if you give it a try. You don't say why you absolutely know that you won't like it. Can you explain why?

    I'm not trying to suggest to you that all gay men must engage in anal sex. Many don't. But most do.
     
  8. alainbeaux

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    To be clear, it's not anal sex that I'm particularly anxious over, specifically it's bottoming. It's just something I can never see myself enjoying. I am extremely intolerant to pain, and just the slightest bit would ruin the sexual experience for me. I just really really don't want to ever bottom. Ok, I guess a part of me wouldn't entirely rule it out (like maybe a % 0.5 chance), but I would never actively seek out an opportunity. I don't know, is this really a bad thing? Is it a turn off for most guys?
     
  9. smurf

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    The importance of sex depends on the couple. Some people must have sex every day, some 3 times a week, and them some other couples might only need any sex once every two months.

    It is up to you and your partner to see what works for both of you.

    Its something that for some people it will be a deal breaker, but there will be guys who don't really care one way or another.

    Bottoming should never hurt. Ever.

    Its fine if you don't want to bottom, but I just wanted to clarify :slight_smile:
     
  10. cibi

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    So just be a top then ?
     
  11. BranRan12

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    Kind of struggling with the same thoughts. I have mainly been topping but from hearing things and getting turned on sometimes in porn by seeing the guy in to bottoming, I want to maybe give it a try but in due time. I was rather late on the whole spectrum of anal sex.
     
  12. OnTheHighway

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    There are a lot of reasons why guys have negative perceptions about bottoming. I found working through those mental blocks will lead to embracing the true pleasures of bottoming. The issues include, to name a few:

    1. Having an accident while bottoming or simply not being well prepared
    2. The need to prepare before bottoming
    3. Being a submissive bottom
    4. Bottom shaming in the gay community
    5. Being less Masculine as a bottom compared to a top
    6. Perception that bottoming hurts
    7. Anal penetration as an unnatural act

    Well, I worked through these issues myself. And I came to the following conclusions:

    1. The best orgasms occur when I bottom. Anal orgasms generating by the stimulation of my prostate are more intense, longer lasting and deeper than traditional ejaculating orgasms. I would not trade those for the world!
    2. While I found it uncomfortable my first few times bottoming, it never was painful. The more I got used to being penetrated, the more enjoyment I gained. Practice makes perfect, and bottoming can be practice with sex toys and your fingers just as you can gain experience through actual sex.
    3. Eating properly goes a long way to help elimate concerns from accidents. And advance preperation is not difficult and becomes routine. Sometimes as easy as cleaning myself when showering.
    4. I am completely at ease with my masculinity. I have an alpha personality as it is. Bottoming does not change my masculinity nor my personality. To my benefit, I have even gotten in touch with my feminine side and have opened up emotionally in a good way.
    5. I am in more control as a bottom than I am as a top. I control what does or does not happen as without my ass, my partner has nothing to have sex with! Having that control allows me to be either submissive or dominant depending on my mood.
    6. Men are born with prostates, when stimulated, prostates generate amazing orgasms as stated above. I have never felt sex being more natural than I have while being penetrated. Anal sex is natural.

    I did not resolve my initial negative perceptions overnight. They took time and lots of deep contemplation, which led to building comfort with myself. But for those that do take the time to properly embrace bottoming, I believe the benefits both emotionally and physically are enormous.
     
    #12 OnTheHighway, Jan 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017
  13. Mrcake

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    Lots of people have relationships where they don't have sex at all. Some people only do oral sex.
     
  14. farmboy

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    Hey man I was the same way. I swore I would never bottom either and was sure it would hurt really bad. The whole idea of letting another guy stick his cock up my ass or putting my cock in another guy's ass just seemed disgusting.

    Then one day I was making out and frotting with this college bud that I was really into and he kept telling me how sexy I was and that he really wanted to fuck me and I was so horned up I let him put it in me. I was totally blown away by how great it felt and the orgasm was MIND BLOWING. After we both came and he pulled out he said "So I think we have figured out who is going to be the bottom boy from now on." I said "yeah I think so."

    So my advice is never say never and try it because you just might like it.
     
    #14 farmboy, Feb 14, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017
  15. andimon

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    I. WILL. NEVER. TOP. NEVER. EVER.

    Just as you, though I have not had sex before, I can feel it in my bones that I'd dread doing this thing. It's the biggest turn off for me. I'd rather have a girl blow me (and I also feel I wouldn't entirely like getting one at all).

    However, bottoming to me seems like something intrinsically right. Weird thing is, I have tried doing it to myself with fingers and whatnot and it didn't really awe me that much. However, I KNOW that I'd love having it done to me by someone else, while in a long term relationship.

    There are some things that you just know. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
     
    #15 andimon, Feb 14, 2017
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  16. AKTodd

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    So, various thoughts here...

    Based on my own experience and various discussions on EC (including some that referenced some studies IIRC) about 1 in 5 guys or so aren't into anal sex - with 'aren't into' ranging from 'well, we can if you want, I guess' to 'Hell will freeze before I do that!'.

    So while the number of guys who aren't into anal isn't huge, neither is it such a tiny minority that you have no hope of finding somebody who's tastes are compatible with your own.

    For my part, I fall into the 'well, if you want to....' range more or less. I've topped and bottomed both, including being in a multi-year relationship with a dedicated top and have never found anal to be anything more than mildly pleasurable. It doesn't hurt, it doesn't disgust or bother me - it just doesn't feel all that great to me. Most of the time I've found topping to be a way to make my partner feel good and bottoming as a good opportunity to balance my checkbook in my head or think about what color to pain the ceiling.

    I really much prefer oral, mutual masturbation, cuddling and body contact, etc. and when I was single I never found it to require any great effort to find guys who I was compatible with, including several encounters, relationships, and my husband of 20yrs.

    The best way to approach this IMO is to own it and be positive about it. Instead of emphasizing what you are not into, talk up what you are into (I'm into oral, mutual masturbation, body contact, frottage, etc.). If you don't mention anal in a fairly extensive list most guys are going to get the message. You may need to search a bit more if you're looking for a long term relationship vs a hookup, but it's certainly not impossible.

    If you are considering a more 'hook-uppy' experience you can again be direct about what you are into or possibly see if there is a jack-off club in your area that you could check out. The whole point of a JO club is safe sex and specifically mutual masturbation in groups - which may not be your cub of tea, but is pretty much certain not to include any expectation of anal sex.

    That all said, if you do have some curiosity about whether you might like anal, there is a wide range of toys, including some that are much thinner than a penis if you are worried about potential pain. You could try some of these and if the results are encouraging, you could work up to a dildo and consider whether or not you want to try the real thing. Or you can just not do that particular act - but there are plenty of other fun things two (or more) guys can do together.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  17. Mahidevran

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    are you me?? reading your post was like reading about myself, well...about 95% of what you wrote :eek:

    we're all different, some enjoy intercourses, some don't. there is always a chance that you'd find someone who would be willing to compromise because they love you. I had such luck, so why wouldn't you.
     
  18. MisterMissy

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    I have been concerned over the aspect myself. I used to be repulsed by it because it just didn't seem like something I could like. But that was when I was Bi and thought I could still enjoy sex with a woman if that should be the case.

    But now that I'm very much Gay, my perception of anal has changed, including my opinion on other gay sex practices. I enjoy the idea of oral. Frotting sounds exciting. But with anal, I dunno, I'm just not sure if it'll turn out well. But I don't let that discourage me.

    I have started to experiment down there, but I think it's going to be a long journey to get used to accepting anything up my bum. The feelings are... quite strange, but could become more pleasing as time goes on. But again, I don't let that discourage me.

    And why? Because I adore men. The longer time goes on, the more and more gay I've become. I'm finding male features far more attractive than I ever thought I would, and I can't just ignore that. I can't ignore the feelings and urges I'm having. Besides, because everyone is different, I can't be the only one who's iffy on anal, nor can I be the only one who could be okay without it. So I'm not going to let that minor fear stand in the way of my dating. 'Cause somewhere out there is an amazing guy who wants someone like me... (sniff)... and I'll need someone like him (sniff), and I want to be there when he's out looking for me... (happy tears).

    You know?
     
  19. TBD

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    Worrying will only make your sphincter tighter.

    I was surprised to see that there are books about this very topic on Amazon. (Hey, I wasn't searching for it, it was amidst the "others bought this" section.) There are both voluntary and involuntary muscles involved. They recommended clenching as hard as you can for as long as you can because after ten seconds or so, the voluntary muscles are fatigued and will allow for penetration. This was their advice for the seconds prior to entry.

    All of the stigmas aside, I think the Kama Sutra may have some advice that could be applicable. It suggests rabbits should be with rabbits, and elephants with elephants; so a 5'2" man should avoid being riding a man with a ten incher.

    Here's the rub, ... if you do find a man who is a good configuration for you (i.e., the proper length to stimulate your mythical G spot), it's possible to have an orgasm without any penis stimulation, and it's more than merely ejaculating, it's more like a whole body gasm.

    Granted, this is not likely your first try, and it may mean finding a man who takes his time and is attentive to what micro movements are most pleasurable to you. A guy (bull?) who has a jack hammer approach will not be able to accomplish this for you.

    A bit of a warning though, once you've had a body-gasm, you'll likely be wanting to repeat the experience, and it's not always regularly achievable.

    It's your body and you get to decide what you do with it. You deserve an attentive, patient, loving suitor; don't be afraid to set limits and ask for what you want.
     
    #19 TBD, Mar 13, 2017
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  20. mnguy

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    Like others said there are guys like you who don't want to do anal too. I'd be fine with that. Find them and do the stuff you both do like to do. Frottage sounds amazing to me. Just going between lubed-up butt cheeks seems like it would be great fun. Also mentioned, anal sex should NOT hurt. It's too bad so many people think that it's normal if it does at first and then you get used to it. If you can relax enough to drop a big turd, then an average penis will fit nicely if you learn how to relax the same way, if you eventually want to try it. Good luck whatever you do.
     
    #20 mnguy, Mar 14, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2017