Okay so like. I've gotten in a bit of a strange relationship with a guy, it's very odd because we've sort of been keeping it a secret that we've been seeing each other however we actually live almost 500 miles apart so it's not like we see each other very often anyway. But the other day they were talking about coming down to visit, which I said sounded like a good idea but we never specified a time or date, I just said a rough date but I wasn't certain because I'm in uni so I usually have a heck load of work to do. Next thing I know they've already booked a ticket to come see me around the rough date I've mentioned and it's sort of sparked some discomfort in me... I have stayed overnight at a partners before however I've only just realized all my partners before this guy were roughly a similar height and build to me, but this guy is fairly tall and might not be the strongest but I realize they could probably overpower me... They seem like a kind person but thing is I've only known them for 3 months and I'm not exactly the best judge of character...I only know them through one other person who probably knows them better than me, but that person said we probably wouldn't be good for each other and now everything is beginning to play on my mind a fair bit now... I'm not really sure what to do, I really like the guy but I also don't want to get too intimate, I don't want to have sex yet and there's been a couple of times where they've hinted at it in a joking way but generally we've only seen each other in public I've never been left in a room alone with them... I live in a town where I don't actually know anyone so yeah it's not like I'd have much choice if I needed to get away from them if they stayed over. I have no idea what on earth I'm doing with my life anymore ^^' what do other people think?
It sounds like you've been on a few dates but things haven't gotten too physical. Given that this guy is coming for an overnight visit, I think it would be a good assumption that he wants things to get more physical. If you really feel uncomfortable with this guy staying at your place, then tell them not to come or at least let them know where the boundaries are. Having said that, is it possible that you feel uncomfortable because you are scared of taking things to the next level with them? It's quite normal to feel a little scared before having sex with someone we like. You seem to have some doubts about the relationship based on what the mutual friend said, even though you really like the guy. I think you want to get clear with yourself before the visit on where things stand. What does your inner voice say about the following? Why are you keeping this relationship a secret? Why do you fear that they might try and overpower you after 3 months of dating? What is your thought process for not wanting to get intimate after 3 months of dating? HTH
Hey SiennaFire Thanks for your feedback it was pretty helpful To answer some of your questions. I've often had problems with relationships in the past and the pressure of trying to live up to peoples expectations and image of me whilst in a relationship rather than just enjoying being with someone I like. I recently got out of a long term relationship with a young lady (just a year younger than myself) who left me in what I suspect might've actually been a situation where she was seeing someone else before we even broke up (of course I can't know for sure...) but either way she was with someone else days after we broke up which sort of shattered me I guess since this isn't the first time this has happened to me and we were friends for a year before so my trust for anyone has sort of gone out the window again :/ I keep trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong with all this stuff. I currently feel pretty guilty about liking someone else because I had very strong feelings for my last partner so liking someone else so soon is playing on my conscience and I sort of question if I really have integrity as a person or whatever ^^' I know I miss the perks of a relationship which is why I keep asking myself if I like this guy genuinely or if I'm going for them since they've sort of enabled it by making the first sort of moves. It's all pretty confusing, but honestly I don't know if I should be in a relationship yet, I even told the guy who's currently interested to keep his options open but he kind of refuses to listen even after I've explained how often I ruin relationships and how people end up getting hurt. We've technically only been properly dating since the middle of this month, we kind of just met at New Years but were just sort of acquaintances until recent events. But I do have problems with paranoia and anxiety (and god knows what else) so I get a lot of visions of people hurting or overpowering me, I often have nightmares along the same lines to the point where I'll physically lash out in my sleep. I'm aware I'm pretty small and quite weak so I try and keep my guard up, I learned martial arts for 8 years in order to have some form of defense against other people as well. I'm currently at uni so I feel like I should probably just focus on my work and relationships can come after I get a dissertation, idk, every relationship I've had have all seemed to be more work than they're worth and I ended up getting tossed aside for something better so I feel like I'd prefer to skip to the getting rejected part so I can continue my life as planned or something, if that makes sense?
You're welcome. Here are some more things to consider based on your last post. When I was younger and dating women (before I came out), dating was very goal-oriented, namely, I was looking to get married. After coming out as gay, dating is about looking for genuine connections with guys with whom I can be myself. If this leads to a LTR or marriage, that's great, but that's not the primary goal. I focus more on being myself and less about trying to meet the expectations of others to make them like me. If things don't work out, it's because we're not a match. As such I no longer take rejection as personally. If you recently broke up, you'll want to heal from the breakup before starting something new. Each of us has their own timetable for this, but if you are happy being single then you are ready. If you constantly ruminate about missing your ex-, then you probably need some more time to heal. I wouldn't overthink it. You don't lack integrity if you move on after the breakup. Your ex- appears to be the one lacking integrity for moving on while in the relationship and possibly even cheating on you. Are you seeing a therapist about the paranoia and anxiety? Those are best handled by a professional. It's great that you've taken action to mitigate the risk of being attacked. I would imagine that after 8 years of martial arts that you can stop most attackers. While there's value in focusing on school, try and find the right balance between putting your life on hold and enjoying the journey. In his book The Now Habit, Neil Fiore states that having a balanced life made him more productive writing his dissertation. Assuming that you've healed from the breakup, it might be worth trying an experiment. Try to be yourself and enjoy the moment during their visit and see what happens. If you enjoy yourself, then maybe there's relationship material here. If you don't enjoy yourself, then don't try and force a relationship.
Thanks for your advice SiennaFire, It's good to hear from someone with more experience. I've sort of been taught not to trust anybody which I guess is why I get so paranoid. But I'll give this a chance like you suggested and will try and figure out what I'm most comfortable with in this situation. I'll see if I can keep a balance, I'm still learning how to really ease myself into adult life where I guess both work and social roles are going to have to harmonize in some way.
Hi UI, I'm glad that you're going to give this a chance. Can you say more about the bolded text? Is this because you've been betrayed in previous relationships? Or is there something else? Learning to trust others and be vulnerable is not easy if you learned growing up to hide your true self.
