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Sex Anxiety

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by DAXIII, Mar 1, 2017.

  1. DAXIII

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    I have an anxiety towards sex. Like I still get aroused and attracted towards a good looking person, but the thought of any kind of sex with them immediately turns me off to them. I know you might call it asexuality but that is simply not the case. I'm still able to get off to things I see on the internet, but the thought of actually doing those things in reality with a real person is just....disgusting. I don't know why this is happening now though. Thoughts?
     
  2. FluffyLightFox

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    Thankfully for us there's not just asexuality as a binary state (with nothing between all sexualities and asexuality), there's a whole spectrum of asexuality (or umbrella, if you prefer). Being able to get off by seeing arousing stimuli (even sexual acts) and yet being disgusted by the idea of participating gets you to land somewhere in the asexual spectrum (I don't remember the label for this one, if you want to look it up there are good ressources online with gigantic dictionaries of labels).

    But there's something that confuses me. Disgust isn't anxiety. That you feel disgusted by the idea of sexual intimacy shows you're not interested in real life intercourse, but that you're anxious shows you want to do it, but ultimately something within you is fired and raises your anxiety until you're discouraged. That could mean something got you (neurologically speaking) to associate the prospect of sexual intimacy with high levels of anxiety (and probably fear), and that kind of thing could be undone if it's a real bother to you.

    So if you're simply experiencing disgust when thinking of doing it with someone else, well, it's a form of asexuality (if you really care about the labels), but if you're scared of intimacy, that's something else you could try and work on.
     
  3. DAXIII

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    I wish people would stop using asexuality as an excuse when someone is acknowledging there is a problem. It prevents deeper discussion as to why something is.

    But it is a matter of both disgust and anxiety. Because I'm worried about being good enough and not to mention the thought of sex with guys is gross to me even though it didn't always use to be this way.
     
  4. Lexington

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    Quick question - HAVE you had sex with another person? That isn't exactly clear from your post.

    I'm sort of fishing around here, but it's possible that you've built up something of a disconnect between what sex routinely consists of (getting the sheets sweaty with another person) and what you've been doing sexually (masturbation). It's common to worry about things before you actually do them.

    "What if he doesn't think I'm 'big' enough?"
    "What if I can't perform?"
    "What if he tries pushes me into something I don't want to do?"
    "What if it hurts?"
    "What if he turns out to be a grade-A jerk?"

    The longer it is before you actually have sex with somebody, the more these questions can start looming large in your head. And it can seem very attractive to stick with the comparative safety of your right hand and your internet connection. :slight_smile: Not sure that's what's going on here, but it's worth mulling over a bit.

    Lex
     
  5. Chip

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    Couldn't agree more. It is certainly the most misunderstood and misused of the credible, recognized labels.

    OP: I echo Lex's thoughts. Much of what you're describing would be quite common and expected for someone who hasn't had sexual experiences. If you have generalized anxiety, that would be another contributor. And for most of us, things that are new that we lack experience, or have limited experience with, also tend to be fear-inducing.

    If you can talk more about your situation, it will be easier to provide better information.
     
  6. DAXIII

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    I have had sex before, more times than I can count really. But over the course of each encounter it slowly became this gross and disgusting thing. I didn't want to think of someone naked anymore, and even the thought of sexual acts with anyone was repulsive.

    Granted those questions still go on in my head but that's not the point. It slowly became something vile to me and yet I still get sexually aroused by other guys. Oddly enough the odd fantasy of it being a woman doesn't have the same reaction, but I don't really get it up for women or feel anything sexual towards them.
     
  7. FluffyLightFox

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    Well I'll just stop trying to look like I'm educated and open-minded then. (And, please, note that I didn't say you were asexual, I said it reminded me of a form of asexuality, but that there was something else going on that led me to believe it was not - the anxiety)

    So, you've got a problem. Have you ever thought of talking about it with someone, like, a therapist? They could try and work with you to find out why you've developed such a negative feeling towards sexual intimacy, or even the idea of it. It can be awkward and hard for you since it seems you don't like the idea of thinking about it (let alone talking about it with someone) but that could be worth the effort if therapy helps you.
     
  8. DAXIII

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    And here I was hoping for actual assistance besides "go see a therapist". Make me wonder why bother posting anything.
     
  9. I'm gay

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    Hi DAXIII,

    We have communicated a bunch of times here on EC. I know that you have struggled a lot over your feelings of not wanting to be gay and making lots of attempts to deny your feelings and convince yourself that you can just be straight.

    I don't know where you currently stand on that issue, and whether you have come to a better place of acceptance of your homosexuality. It would seem, however, from your post here, that you still have issues with acceptance.

    I would submit to you that the thought of sex with a guy disgusts you because being gay disgusts you in a fundamental way. Until you come to peace with this, I think this issue is going to continue to plague you.

    For anyone else wishing to respond to this thread, I would suggest reading DAX's post history. I think it's relevant to this topic.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  10. DAXIII

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    It's actually pretty irrelevant. I just don't like sex with a guy. After all the times I have had sex with a guy it has slowly progressed to being revolting. Each time I feel disgusted with what I did. It's weird. People seem to have these high opinions about sex and yet each time I have it I can't wait for it to be over.
     
  11. OGS

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    I guess my question then would be: why do you keep doing it? I mean I have sex because I really quite enjoy it. I can wrap my mind around someone not enjoying it, what sort of flummoxes me is why someone would not enjoy it and do it any way. Clearly such a person would be doing it for some other reason. I suspect that if you could figure out what that other reason was, you might be able to figure out why you don't enjoy it.
     
  12. DAXIII

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    I would think that would be rather obvious. Arousal is a powerful biological impulse and the more you fight it the more you think about it. Even though I don't like the act, it's hard to overcome the sexual attraction and the ensuing lust, which overrides all reason. Humans are logical creatures after all but emotional. The feeling is just too strong.
     
  13. Sawyer

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    My mom finds the act of sex disgusting as well. She doesn't even like to talk about it. When I came out of the closet as gay, I think my mom didn't take it as well because her mind immediately thought about how two women have sex, and was repulsed by it. I mean, I wouldn't say she is entirely thrilled about my sister's sexcapades, but at least she knows how straight sex works, and while although she doesn't like it, she understands it. She isn't asexual either.

    I really don't know what to say that can be of help. Just that I think things change for people. I used to love pineapples, now I can't stand them. No one is ever set on one thing.

    Some people don't mind having sex with different people. Others might find that disgusting and can only have sex with someone they connect with. Some people might think that you have to have sex with someone in order to love them, others might think differently. Some people think sex is something shared between two people who love each other, others might think its just fulfilling a need.

    Sexuality is so complex.
     
  14. DAXIII

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    It sure is complex. Like I can't get how people overlook all the gross parts of sex. Even in middle of it I find I can't stop myself, even though I dislike it.
     
  15. OGS

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    This wouldn't be obvious to me at all. I think of myself as having a rather robust sex drive but I've never felt that way at all. If you regularly feel compelled to commit sex acts you don't enjoy--I don't honestly feel that is normal. On the plus side it seems to me that this could be a rather obvious reason you don't enjoy sex. If I was having sex because I simply felt a compulsion to do so, I don't imagine I would enjoy it much either...
     
  16. DAXIII

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    Is just that if I try to ignore it then it just comes back stronger later on.
     
  17. Sawyer

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    What about masturbation? Does that repulse you as well? If it doesn't, that could at least, I think, help with the sex drive (maybe?).
     
  18. Chip

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    Dax, one of the reasons people are suggesting therapy is because the issue you're describing is complex and has many different potential origins. While there are some cognitive-behavioral strategies designed to address anxiety and revulsion, unless you really understand what'd driving the behavior and, in your case, what's causing the feelings to escalate, doing things on your own are not likely to be very successful.

    I suspect this isn't a simple "change your mind" issue. If I were to guess, it may be that it's rooted in some aspect of your self-acceptance, or perhaps even emerging feelings from issues earlier in life that are only now coming to the surface. But both of those are entirely conjecture, and, in any case, beyond the scope of what an online self-help community can do.

    I do think exploring these in therapy would be really helpful for you. And I agree with you that what you're describing almost certainly has nothing to do with asexuality.
     
  19. DAXIII

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    Therapy is about as useful as the internet only without the massive price tag (and science can confirm this).

    Masturbation is something that does not bring any of this up, which is an interesting thing I find.

    And for your information the thing I dislike about being gay is sex with guys, and yet I cannot control the arousal towards them.
     
  20. Chip

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    Good therapy, by a skilled therapist, is far, far better than self-help for specific issues such as the one you're describing. But since you've thrown down the gauntlet, please cite your sources, specifically as they relate to this sort of issue.

    Actually I'm not surprised. If I were to guess, I'd suspect that the issue is most likely linked into anxiety about being gay, difficulty with self-acceptance, and some sort of judgment of self and others who are gay. All of which are really effectively addressed in therapy, as is learning to manage the feelings we can't control.