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Past experience made me settle for the nice guy.

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Justshort, Mar 21, 2017.

  1. Justshort

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    Basically many years ago, I had a terrible sexual experience. I was young and going out with a bully. He did something that has affected my entire life. Left me physically and mentally scarred.
    So after I finally got away, I met a great guy he's everything I could wish for. But sex has always been something I've never enjoyed. To make it worse I've always had strong sexual desire towards women!
    Never acted on it, but now I find myself wanting to explore sex with a woman. Someone posted in reply to someone else about a stud. What is this and is this the kind of encounter I should seek?
    I'm terrified that anyone else will reject me sexually because of what happened in my past.
    Would a woman want damaged goods would anyone ? I'd never go after another man as mine is great, I'm just sexually distressed and very confused.
    My man has been fabulous about it all, never pushed me, but maybe that's what I need.
    Why does life have to be so bloody complicated.:confused:
     
  2. Worker Bee

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    It's heart breaking that you think someone would reject you because of your past.

    Your past may have moulded who you are today but it doesn't define you. And although you perceive yourself as damaged goods that doesn't mean that other women will or that you won't find someone who is understanding.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed and confused. As for a future encounter with a woman. I would suggest you need to find a woman you are comfortable with and trust before you go any further.
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    The short answer is yes. Everyone has some bruises. If a partner actually cares about you, they want to make you feel good.

    The best procedure is the hardest: be honest up-front. It sounds like you do need to at least have a girlfriend with a lower-case g, if that's OK with your man. Best case scenario: you love girl sex and it paves the way for rediscovering fun with your man too. Worst case... well OK worst case is a falling piano hits you but that's not going to happen.

    Other people who have been less lucky than me (i.e. have been traumatized) will probably have more focused advice. Regarding the term 'stud', it probably has a specialized meaning that I in my innocence don't know. But it does sound clearly like you need at least to kiss a girl.
     
  4. WMM

    WMM
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    I'm pretty experienced, and I can't figure out what they might mean by "stud". But I am old, and probably out of it.

    In my day a stud was a guy who was overbearing. You sure don't need that.

    Be well
     
  5. Justshort

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    Hi guys thank you!
    I'm feeling particularly rubbish today.
    Would love to find a girlfriend, to even just talk to. I hate feeling so confused, how am I going to meet a girl?
    Feeling flat
     
  6. WMM

    WMM
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    Surely there is a lesbian/gay bar in Cambridge, England?

    My wife says I am a great lesbian.

    My wife used to be pretty flat, but she is a B cup these days.

    We do wish you luck!

    William, and Mary
     
  7. Justshort

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    WMM Hi thank you for the reply, I have nobody to go with and would not know how to find one! and what if i saw someone I know? wish I was brave.
    I did Titter at the B cup pun! :slight_smile:
     
  8. WMM

    WMM
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    Yes, it is difficult for anyone to go to a bar, any bar, alone. That is true.

    I am glad I could help add a little fun to your life!

    People sometimes speak of apps for the phone for meet ups, but I don't know anything at all about those. I wonder if someone who does might post.
     
  9. Zen fix

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    If you run into someone you know you walk up and give them a high five.
    Everyone has some baggage that they bring into a relationship. At the beginning just leave those suitcases in the corner and unpack them later. You are not damaged goods. If anyone did see you that way then they aren't worth your time.
    It does sound like you still have some stuff that needs sorting out. Like maybe doubts about your marriage and sexuality. It's really good that you are able to talk to your husband. Keep doing that. Good luck.
     
  10. beenthrdonetht

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    You have a good sense of humor (or is it humour?). Any gender should appreciate that.
     
  11. OED27x

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    You are not damaged goods. Everyone has a past. And weak spots and things they are sensitive about. It's those vulnerabilities that allow us to feel the human connection. It will take time to heal from your past but it does not mean you are damaged. It means you lived and you had shit happen to you.
     
  12. Justshort

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    Wow I hadn't thought about it like that!
    I do feel terribly damaged, and so confused.
    Everyone is so kind I wish I could just go test the waters as it were eek!
    Thanks everyone xx(*hug*)(*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 25th Mar 2017 at 10:02 AM ----------

    I can't imagine high giving anyone lol however, the thought did make me chuckle.
    Thank you for taking time to reply X :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 25th Mar 2017 at 10:03 AM ----------

    :icon_bigg thank you
     
  13. CharacterStudy

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    You're not damaged goods, please never ever believe that. When you're having thoughts like that about yourself, ask yourself 'would I say this to my best friend if she was confiding in me?'. I bet you'd never tell your husband or friend that they were damaged goods! So be kinder to yourself.

    When I read a story like yours I think 'there's a survivor'. Someone who has had bad things happen to them (and we all pick up baggage en route), and they're still here, and talking, and living their life.

    Have you thought about getting some counselling. Somewhere like Cambridge will have counsellors. If you work or your husband works for government or a medium to large company you will almost certainly have something called an 'employee assistance programme' for you and your family. If you call the helpline (you may find one in your work's induction pack or HR files) you will be able to arrange a number of free confidential counselling sessions. Honestly you can get counselling help for all sorts of issues, and you sound like you are distressed and could use a safe ear.

    I've used work counselling services for two separate issues in the last 10 years. It's paid for by work but run by an external agency so confidential. I've had one amazing counsellor and one not so good. My friend/colleague used the same service for his orientation issues and was support to explore and come out. I hope you have something like this you can access.

    Alternatively speak to your GP, though with NHS funding issues that could take longer.
     
  14. naoky78

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    And I've also been bathed at different times at the expense of girls, I was worried and all that ... You can look at my themes.
    And now some time has passed, not to say that the situation has improved, while the girl is not there (I hit my career, I'm sorting myself out, trying to lead a healthy lifestyle .. sublimation in one word))) but my attitude has changed to cognate things and coming from my Experience will advise you to do ALL what you think is necessary, but provided - first of all, to love yourself and not be humiliated. Think about "What's next?" That is, about the consequences, not to offend others and not to harm others. And yet - the lack of the desired result - also the result. Do in time conclusions and sum in time to let go of the situation. And yet - the girls are different, not all such but some of these fans here "love" and raise themselves at their expense self-esteem, keep in reserve and many options - find out if you want, figure it out, do something, but, I repeat, do not humble yourself If you are not sure that you will be reciprocated, you can solve everything and find out without falling in your eyes. And most importantly - this is certainly an important but far from the last episode in life and there will be many more things that are different and interesting.