Hi all, I am a young gay guy (23) and my sexual preference is Bottom & kind of always has been since I started having sex. Now because of my discreetness during my teenage years I suppose my sex life was always private more or less but now that i have opened up to more people and friends about being gay, sex is discussed more openly now amongst my circles and even amongst gay guys I have had anything with, who know each other etc.. Before I never really gave it much thought but recently I have developed a serious depression and shame over my sexual position preference. It has been maybe a year, eating away at me causing me to actually withdraw out of sex altogether. Physically, I get anxious to preform and maintain an erection while Topping. I have thought about trying to just get more experience Topping and hope it'll get better, but I know about anxiety. it's a bitch. I need to take supplements and/or drugs almost every time to help me maintain an erection and I really don't want to feel completely dependant on them all my life to get me up, it's a bad long term solution, also my prides wounded a bit having to explain myself to the other guy. I have not gone to my doctor about it because I don't need viagra in my life right now. Mentally, I really enjoy taking the submissive role, but this is kind of conflicting with my ego or type of person i see myself as, manly, boyish, rebellious. I feel guilty for enjoying all kinds of submissive fantasies, and I know that I am 'physically' versatile and perhaps are being unfair (especially in a relationship context) by exclusively bottoming unless he is happy just being a top. I get very depressed because I want to meet guys show them who I am but then I think when it gets to sex, and I'm not very confident taking on the dominant role, trying to please him, I personally feel it makes me look weak, feminine, door mat, and actually causes a bit of dysphoria I suppose in contrast to the original submissive fantasies. I am quite interested in BDSM and stuff so I feel if anyone were to ever find out my fantasies they would be sickened and it worries me, even watching porn etc. I can be very feminine at times but I put on a hard manly front. I am getting very anxious and paranoid over people in general finding out that I enjoy being a guys bitch for the night. How do I go about getting some respite from this? Peace of mind? Thanks
Hey Playboy, You don't have to buy into the stereotype that the bottom is weak, feminine and submissive. It can be, and for some it's the role they want to experience with sex, but it isn't the exclusive role of a bottom, nor is there anything inherently shameful in enjoying bottoming during anal sex. Unfortunately, you wrapped your sense of masculinity around a sexual position, and that was a mistake. You should research the role of the power bottom. There's plenty of information on the internet to learn about the dynamics of power (and what you see as masculinity and dominant roles) that can be used by the bottom. If you can explore these ideas, you might find a different perspective on the "bottom". Take care. ride:
Here is a post I previously written on the similar topic: Not all of these points may be relevant to you, but generally they tend to attribute to internalized bottom shaming (yes, I just went there ). Get back to doing what you really enjoy and are truly passionate about by eliminating your perceived shame. Those whom express issues with bottoming, themselves have their own shame, self esteem and internalized homophobic issues they need to deal with. And it seems you have the desire and ability to rise above it!
Agree with both of the previous posters. Many gay men have preferences when it comes to sex and sexual positioning and that's totally okay. It's not unusual to find total tops/bottoms and a pairing of the two can work out amazingly well. Even versatile guys have preferences and may lean more towards topping or bottoming. We should never question our masculinity on the basis of preference for bottoming. Trust me, some bottoms know exactly what they want and they are not afraid to demand it... and you wouldn't argue back either. The idea that all bottoms are submissive twinky types is bullshit. It's a perspective that is borne out of watching too much hard porn with an assertive or verbal top shouting the odds. Life's not really like that for most gay guys.
I'm actually going to look at this from a different approach. When people think that bottoming makes them feminine they go one of two approaches. 1) Find a way to bottom that is masculine and in control (power bottoms) 2) understand that there is nothing bad about being feminine From what you are saying, you do want to be submissive. You want to be taken care of, give control to someone else during sex, and sometimes "being used". That is ALL okay. Its hard because we have been taught that being submissive, feminine and anything close to being a woman is bad. So its going to be hard to unlearn all the crap that people have been telling us for years. Think about it similarly to unlearning homophobia. Its a process of learning that you can be as gay as you want and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you.
Thank you for all the replies guys, really appreciate it. I think I am going to have to try and discover life as a power bottom. I really wish I could Top more confidently, and as for my own internalised homophobia / shame and idea that being feminine is bad in any way, that is something that is fairly become deep rooted and I'm not so sure it will be easy to shake off. I really see myself as fairly masculine and know that there is nothing wrong with femininity , i genuinely don't see a problem with it at all and would encourage it, but I obviously do have issues with it if Im reacting this way. Thanks so much for the replies though I hope I can sort this!
Hey man, sorry i dont really have any advice, just wanted to say that i'm going through the exact same thing. I know how much it tears you apart, so i wish you the best with dealing with it. Theres been some great replies here that im going to take on board, hope you do too! Best of luck
Nice to know I'm not alone, it's really shit isn't it? I hope you can get some positive results towards how you're currently feeling. Some of these answers are great, I've started taking a few of them and researching more trying to see what options are out there. Pray 4 us, there's hope yet lol
I'm about 95% top. And I can't say as I've ever felt more "submissive" or "effeminate" or anything else when bottoming than when topping. I don't consider my partner to be "submitting" or anything like that. It's just "we're both horny, and this is how we both most want to have sex right now". If anything, I view us as both submitting to the sexual act itself. Lex
