Okay, this is real difficult to talk about but it's weird. I doesn't seem serious which is why I don't really want to consult a GP but yeah I just wanted some thoughts on a couple of issues in case anyone could help explain the situation because I don't really understand anything... So I'm a trans guy (biologically female) but I recently had intercourse for the first time with my biologically male partner (they're non-binary) and it was definitely awkward teenager sex to say the least ^^' but it was with someone I care about so that didn't really matter but it being my first time there was some things that confused me that I expected from my first time. What I found very strange was I didn't bleed when it definitely went in all the way. I know for a fact that I've never had intercourse before, I know the hymen can sometimes break due to strenuous exercise which could be possible in my case since I used to do martial arts and still try to retain my core strength trough sit ups and stretches but I can't actually remember a time where I randomly bled outside my period...I know it's probably not important but I found it weird. The other thing is a little more serious and I wanted to know what people thought because I honestly didn't know what was going on when this occurred. But basically, from a very brief diagnosis from last year, I think it's possible I suffer from intrusive thoughts. I'm aware of voices that have manifested over a very long period of my life it was only until I was 15/16 that I discovered that sort of thing isn't actually normal. They're not like clear voices one would hear from other people, they're more like strange thoughts you wouldn't expect from yourself or almost trying to converse with you, saying stuffs that are usually quite maleficent or critical. I told my partner about this before he visited this weekend because I thought that it would be important for them to know since I've had bad episodes before because of what's going on in my head. But I didn't expect it to interfere when we started getting intimate. Neither of us were really expecting to have intercourse (I happened to have protection as a precaution because my parents sort of force me and my siblings to have it now that we're all young adults) but I wasn't sure what I would be comfortable with since I've never done it before and lots of people I know probably wouldn't expect it from me because I'm constantly being referred to as 'pure' and 'innocent' and innuendos go right over my head. I only went through with it this time because my partner lives far away (around about 400 miles and there's a sea dividing us too ^^') and I knew it was probably likely I was going to have intercourse at some point since I'm going on 20 this year and I was comfortable with them so I thought why not? But during intimacy I started finding it hard to breathe and there were points where my body started shaking quite badly, then I found at points where most people would find themselves uncomfortable and would just say no to their partners I would suddenly be unable to speak, I sort of put my arm out to try and stop them from doing whatever they were doing but they didn't know I was trying to tell them to stop, next thing I knew I started to convulse and thrash about...that's never happened in front of another person before, usually it occurs when I'm just alone...they stayed for a little over two days and in that time I had over 8 separate episodes. I'm fully aware when I have and episode but I'm also kind of half out of it, like it doesn't feel totally real... The first episode I had was quite bad because I didn't actually remember what caused it... in the other episodes I started scratching at my own skin, and even went for a blade at one point...I felt like I was dissociating, but I don't know, I don't understand my condition at all because I've never had it properly diagnosed...I kept wondering if I was putting on a mass display of melodrama, but I don't see why I'd do that...the best way I can describe the episodes was I felt these impulses and I know I shouldn't of given into them, but I did...and at times I'd even start saying nasty things, often about myself, saying I should die, or that I was faking stuff, it's all so confusing, and was very scary for my partner who had to deal with that. At points they tried to hold me down to stop me trashing about, I think in the hope I might've calmed down but almost every time they did I pushed them off. There was even a point where I might've started yelling but usually I'm pretty good at trying to hold back making a lot of noise when this happens. But even when they went to gently touch my back or my shoulder I would suddenly jerk violently and push them away, or even go as far as moving away from them myself... It wasn't actually scary for me, I've never had that many episodes happen with such frequency, if anything I was just thoroughly confused and felt so guilty putting my partner through that. They were really sweet and understanding about it and told me not to apologise but I just can't tell why it happened...
