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Physical & Sexual Health A forum for peer support and informal advice on matters related to physical and sexual health. This forum is not to be used as a place to obtain a diagnosis on an issue or as a replacement for professional consultations with approved medical practitioners.

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Old 17th May 2017, 04:04 PM   #1
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Can't come with other men

Hi,

I'm a 24 gay man. I've just started to explore my sexuality and do some sexual activities with other men. I haven't had anal sex yet.

I've been with two guys so far but i find i just cannot climax and come, even after a good half an hour of handjobs and blowjobs. I do enjoy it and have little problem coming afterwards, but i find i sort of loose arousal after a while. I should also add that I've masterbated the night before on both occasions.

Is this normal? Any ideas on how i can make myself come?

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Old 18th May 2017, 07:16 AM   #2
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Re: Can't come with other men

Ehm, not masturbating the night before might help, but I have no expertise in this field. Just my 2 cents.
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Old 18th May 2017, 10:37 AM   #3
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Re: Can't come with other men

I cannot climax just from handjobs or blowjobs alone. They feel amazing but it requires a different stimulation to get me further. Also, are you attracted to these guys? What is more like a hookup?

Masturbating the night before shouldn't really affect whether you can climax the next day. You've got plenty of time in between.
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Old 18th May 2017, 11:53 AM   #4
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Re: Can't come with other men

Are you nervous around these guys. If i'm not comfortable, I can't always get all the way there either. If these are the only 2 you've been with, That might be the problem.
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Old 18th May 2017, 12:07 PM   #5
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Re: Can't come with other men

I say test different theories. Try not masturbating the night/day before you have sex. See if it makes a difference. If it does, there you go. If it doesn't, rule that out and feel free to masturbate away.

When I was younger, I often wouldn't come when having sex with guys who were first time hookups out of nerves. It was just something I got used to. Eventually that changed. I went awhile where I was coming way too quickly and that was driving me crazy. Now it takes forever again, but I know that's probably a mix of getting a little older (I'm 33) and masturbating too much (I'm single...hahaha).
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Old 18th May 2017, 03:29 PM   #6
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Re: Can't come with other men

I'm definitely attracted to men.

Maybe it is nerves. They were both guys that i was dating for a while. And maybe i do masturbate too much. I guess I'll have to try going without it for a few days haha.

Thanks for your help.
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Old 18th May 2017, 05:07 PM   #7
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Re: Can't come with other men

Hey hello1992,

Nerves could definitely play a part in your issue. I also agree with CameOutSwinging that you should try cutting back on your masturbation before hooking up and seeing if that makes a difference.

Beyond that, having sex with someone else isn't just about the mechanics. Most of us have to have the right level of comfort (be comfortable with our partner, be comfortable in the environment, be comfortable with ourselves). It sounds like you are engaged primarily in hooking up. That means that you are basically having sex with strangers (i.e. it's about as mechanical as you can get). Perhaps consider finding yourself a boyfriend and getting to know him for a while before even engaging in sexual activity (which is not to say you can't be intimate without having sex). Having sex with someone you know and really like -and who knows and really likes you - is MUCH more satisfying.

My 2cents.
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Old 19th May 2017, 11:52 AM   #8
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Re: Can't come with other men

Thanks quantum reality. I wouldn't say it was a hookup, we had been on like five dates and i quite liked him. But perhaps there wasn't the same emotional attraction. What you say makes sense though. I definitely felt more emotional attraction to the first guy and that seemed more enjoyable. Thanks!
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Old 19th May 2017, 01:04 PM   #9
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Re: Can't come with other men

There's a good chance of this being down to performance anxiety as others have said. Is it something you discussed with the guys you had sex with?
Is it something that you worry about when you're with a man, due to putting pressure on yourself?

My first ever time I had this issue that I think was down to a combination of nerves and extreme (teenage) excitement but it never happened again after I became more relaxed about it. Maybe a case of 'once you pop, you just can't stop'!

If not, then maybe it's just a case of preference. I know guys that have to 'finish off' themselves to be able to climax - and others that can only perform for others.

Either way, perhaps it would take the pressure off and give you space to find what works for you by setting the expectation before getting intimate. Explain to the guy that you might not come and that your ok with that. Some men will feel offended by this but then some men aren't very understanding sexual partners.

Whatever the outcome, don't beat yourself up about it, there are no rules about how you should enjoy sexual relationships - well, none besides safety.

On that, my last point is drugs. Whatever anyone tells you about sex enhancing drugs, it's complete BS. Unless your doctor prescribes it, don't take it. To a certain extent this extends to alcohol, which can have an impact on your little soldiers ability to stand to attention or climax, if you drink too much. In most cases, if a guy suggests taking something before sex, it's for his pleasure, not yours.
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Old 19th May 2017, 03:38 PM   #10
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Re: Can't come with other men

Thanks calf!
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