Getting Tested Together

Getting tested together shows a commitment to each other's safety, and that's great. Keep in mind, though, that it isn't foolproof; depending on the test used, you can get a false negative as much as 3 months after infection.

Also, people tend to talk only in terms of HIV. Hep-C is transmitted in a very similar way to HIV (though slightly less transmissible), is equally uncurable, and can actually, according to most professionals, be even more difficult to treat than HIV. So I recommend testing for both.

The other thing you haven't said here but may be implying, is that you will not use condoms in your sex life once you are tested. That's a decision that each couple makes for itself, but it is one that you want to be really, really careful of. Even with the best of intentions, people can stray, either because of temptation, because they get drunk orf high, because they get bored with the relationship, etc. And when you are barebacking with someone, you are literally putting your life, future health, and safety into their hands, and trusting that they are as cautious and responsible as you are. Cheating in gay relationships, unfortunately, happens at epidemic proportions and no one ever wants to believe going into a relationship that it can happen to them. Many couples I know are very cautious -- getting tested, and using condoms for the first few months of a relationship -- just as an insurance policy toward their own safety. Perhaps that is overkill, but when one considers the alternatives that can result, it might be a policy worth adopting.

I'm not at all trying to be a wet blanket or killjoy, but I do think that putting those thoughts out there so that you can at least think about them if you haven't already is worthwhile. I know you're a bit older and hopefully wiser, but I know at least 5 young men, friends of mine, who all became HIV positive before age 22, even though they were *usually* safe in their sexual practices. In one case, a partner cheated, in another, they on the spur of the moment invited a third person in. It sucks that we have to consider these things, but I think it is at least worthwhile to consider them and make the choices for the levels of risk tolerance that we are each individually willing to accept.

 

Hi! I think it's a great idea that you guys want to get tested together. It does show a level of commitment and perhaps even trust. I would still use protection though. Being safe is always best. Being safe is always best!

It looks like that things are going well for you, which is awesome!

 

As Becky mentioned, talking about these things with him is setting a great example. Being open and honest with each other is really the best think in a relationship. If there is a time where you are unsure Ed, maybe just ask him or try talking with him a bit more about it. It looks like that he is open and perhaps also wants to talk himself about things which is always good.

 

Highly controversial and debated topic. No one definitively knows for sure, because in order to find out, we'd have to do a study where we intentionally try to infect people though oral contact, and obviously that isn't ethical. There are studies out there that have looked at transmission methods and risks orally, and the general consensus is that there is some risk, but it is relatively low compared to unprotected anal sex. There are some steps you can take (see below.)

What I tell people is, if you honestly believe that your partner is so incredibly trustworthy that you are willing to literally put your life and your health and safety in his hands, then having unprotected sex is OK after you've both passed the infection window (which is 3-6 months, sometimes sooner, depending on which test you're using.) The main issue is somebody goes out and gets drunk or high and does something they wouldn't ordinarily do, then is too embarrassed to tell their partner... and that's how a partner ends up getting infected. If you trust your partner enough that this doesn't concern you, then unprotected sex is fine

I'm a little conservative in what I suggest to people because I have several friends who are under 22 who have become infected through just such scenarios. People never seem to really think about it until it's too late.

On the subject of improving the safety of oral sex, there are a couple of precautions that most infectious disease specialists offer:

1. *Don't* brush and floss for at least 1-2 hours before having sex. You can open up small abrasions or tears in the gums, making it very easy to transmit virii or bacteria directly to your bloodstream. Swishing with mouthwash is OK and won't cause the abrasions.

2. Ingesting cum is more risky than not ingesting cum. If you choose to do so, it's better if the guy can cum in your mouth, directly toward the back of your throat, so the cum will go down into the stomach as quickly as possible. Stomach acid appears to destroy virii and bacteria pretty easily, but if cum stays in the mouth, or near the teeth, it's easily absorbed in the mucous membranes of the mouth.

3. Commonly overlooked, but it is very risky to get cum in your eye, because the same mucous membranes are at the edges of your eyes near the tear ducts. It is very easy for bacteria and virii to be absorbed this way. If you're into facials, wear glasses, or have the guy shoot downwards toward your chest rather than upwards toward your eyes.

Hope that helps!

 

Not to be graphic, but if a woman isn't completely clean, it's generally not that big a deal.

If a guy is bottoming and isn't clean.... well, with the exception of people into scat, NOBODY I know wants to even think about that, let alone experience it. It's indescribably gross.

Of course, condom or no condom, I would want my partner who was bottoming to be totally clean, which means he has to take an enema before sex (sorry, I don't buy the "douching" term, that's a female thing.) If he's done that and properly rinsed out, there shouldn't be any possibility of, um, problems.