I feel very unsure of something so core to a person’s being that it is rattling. I fear I have done some irreversible psychological damage to myself. I have tried so hard to not be gay and to act straight and think straight that I am not sure how to be myself. I mean I am afraid of what I really like, how I think, and speak. I have subconsciously sent myself to an ex-gay reparative therapy camp. For years I made myself look at pictures of women and tried to be attracted to them, tried to get aroused by them, tried to get off to them. I tried to copy the mannerisms and styles of straight friends to such an extent that I may have given myself a multiple personality disorder. It’s at it’s worst in public places, where I do not feel as though I can relax and just like what I like and do what I like. I worry myself so much that others will notice and realize I am gay that I feel I must act like someone else just to fit in. I really wanted to make myself straight, I tried my damnedest to get rid of the “gay” anyway I could. It was a futile, I can see that now, but there is so much madness I must unwind before I can feel right. I feel that as I come out to some close friends I will be able to begin healing the wounds I have created. I have learned so much about myself, and I know there is much to come. I am tired of lying, faking it, and constantly acting for fear of what others may be thinking. I will no longer force myself to check out women, I will not feel ashamed for noticing men and thinking about them, and I will do my best to be true to myself. Soon I hope to be completely honest with the people in my life.
See a therapist or a psychiatrist that would probably be the most benefical thing you can do if you think you may have developed a multiple personality disorder. In some ways I was exactly like you putting on the straight facade and copying mannerisms to disguise who I was, and in some ways I feel like I've done a lot to alter my psyche permanently as well. However, I don't think I may have taken it as far as you did...but even after being out I have a really bad anxiety / paranoia problem (which probably correlate) and I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist or therapist too if it doesn't resolve itself.
Welcome to the club, man. One of the biggest hurdle that I had to overcome to actually admit that I was anything but straight was my own internal fear of being (*GASP!*) gay. Once I overcame that, it's taking a while but more and more I'm becoming reacquainted with what I really am and what I've been hiding for so many years. I don't know how old you are, but I've got 27 years of programming to undo, and it's coming down bit by bit. Just be open to who you truly are and you'll probably be much happier with what you find than what you used to hide.
(*hug*) I can't imagine what you went through. I know I had a hard time accepting myself (harder than coming out to anyone by far), but that's just horrible. I'm glad I was accepting of myself when I came out to mom, who suggested a "cure" like this.
I know what you are going through. I came from a family where being a murderer would actually be looked at more favorably than being gay. When a friend of our family when I was in high school was convicted of robbing his mother's house, my late father actually said, "Well, it could be worse - at least he isn't gay". Over the course of time, you have to spend almost every hour of every day deprogramming yourself by asking yourself in the smallest situations what you think about this situation, that look, that person - with every moment of every day, you have to come to a point of allowing the real and genuine person that you are to come through. Like I said, that's not easy, but as we are all in the process of discovering, it is one of the most worthwhile things that you can do. Keep on the road that you're on, and PM me if you ever want a supportive ear from a person who has very much had to walk through what you're going through as well.
Yeah.. I always try to act straight, everytime a girl walks past.. I kind of force my self to look at them, like what straight guys does, but they're too pervy I can't do it lol. I try and imagine being with a girl. But by doing this I kind of have a slight some what tiny bit interest in them.. Or maybe I'm slightly confused. Being around straight people.. makes it hard to accept myself being gay though, it feels like theres always something in the way stopping you to fit in with people.
It is not possible to give yourself multiple personality disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder) from trying to be straight when you're gay. DID is a completely different illness generally believed to be brought on by very severe sexual or physical abuse in childhood. What you're speaking of is what's called "impression management", and everyone, gay and straight, engages in it; it's the process of selectively presenting parts of ourselves to better fit into specific social situations. Gay people who are closeted will, of course, work harder than others to present a persona that doesn't appear gay, but that's a normal part of being closeted, and not anything to be worried about. Quite frankly, everything you are describing is what EVERY gay person goes through in the period before they come out. It is not something that is going to cause you permanent, irreparable psychological harm; it is a survival mechanism that most everyone who is gay or lesbian goes through before coming out. Therapy would benefit you, certainly. But the main thing is, relax, focus on coming out to people as you feel safe doing so, and realize that as you come out to more people, and feel more comfortable being yourself, you'll find that the behaviors you've engaged in will slowly extinguish themselves.
Trying to be what everyone else wants you to be? No wonder you feel like your head is going to explode. Like the other have said a therapist may be your best bet, but know that this freaky lost feeling you have is something you feel for no being what you want to be, and it will start to fade once stop trying to please everyone. People may not like who you are, but I'd rather be hated for who I am then loved for something I'm not.
