Antidepressants

To put it bluntly, I think I need them. For some background, my depression started about 4 years ago, when I was first faced with my sexuality, among a few other things. It was very rough for a few years, and I went so far as to visit a psychologist. It was an all-consuming suicidal depression that basically ruined my life for the time it affected me. Then, I found a cure, oddly enough, in online gaming. I became addicted (fully) to World of Warcraft, and it consumed every hour of my day for almost 2 years. During this time I would still get depressed regularly, but not as much. Although I hate the time I wasted on that game, I think the addiction and the constant obsession over it helped alleviate some of my depression. I know it sounds stupid. In retrospect, I think of it on a level with drugs -- addictive, and for me, all encompassing. I quit that, and for a while, I was happy. I was losing weight, and not being bothered by anything. My depression was still lingering, somewhat. I would have episodes every now and then. But for the most part, things were good. Then some things started happening, and things started coming to mind. Slowly, I became more and more unmotivated and depressed. Now, I feel like I'm trapped again, in the same way that I felt last time. I realize now that it has never truly gone away. It's been there this whole time, just waiting, so to speak.

I get depressed over nothing, most of the time. It happens at seemingly regular intervals, in huge mood swings. I am very happy for a while, confident that nothing can bring me down today... then, it happens. I just get very very sad and depressed either for something small and insignificant, or for no reason at all. It happens almost daily, usually later in the day, at around 8 PM now that I'm on an 8 - 12 schedule. In this mood, I'm very self-hating, and very very emotional. I see nothing good about myself, and don't let others get through to me. I've hurt people I consider very dear to myself in these moods, and pushed people away. I would never do that in a non-depressive mood, but when these swings come over me it's almost like I'm a totally different person. My usual rationality plays no part in it at all. I can think to myself, "this is all so stupid, there are people out there that care," but I can't help but feel differently. Then, when the moods pass, there isn't very much lingering. It's like I'm two different people, almost. But I realize that the things I say and do when depressed are very real, and very stupid. Yet, when in those moods, I just can't help it... or something. It's rather hard for me to describe.

So, that brings me to my point. Talking with a psychologist did help me somewhat, but not very much really. It's also a rather expensive solution to such a longterm problem. At the urging of some people close to me, I've come to realize I may need medication. I've talked to some people on here about this concern of mine, and they generally agree. But, the problem is, I'm very scared of antidepressants. Very scared. I do not want to artificially alter who I am and be an emotionless shell. I don't want to lose my sex drive like I've heard can happen. I don't want to be reliant on a medication which I know will happen. But at the same time I can't continue being like this. So, I've decided that the best option open to me now is to speak with my doctor. Yet, I also don't want to tell my parents about this quite yet. When my mom returns, I'm going to ask her to schedule me a doctor's appointment for a variety of (also real, but unrelated) problems, and then ask him privately about it. But in the mean time, I was wondering what you guys thought about this.

 

Thank you all for your responses. I'm going into my doctor next Friday to talk to him about this (and a few other things). I'll also ask him about the therapy that JayHew mentioned. Jim, you said a lot of what I've been hearing. I think that, even with my worries, it's the right decision. Thanks to all of you.