Shame? and being a sub

Some people are submissive, whether they are straight or gay. There is no reason for being ashamed. What you like in bed is nobody's business but yours and your partner's.
As long as both of you agree on what you are doing and that you're safe doing it, there is nothing wrong with it.

 

I take charge and am fairly controlling in my life. That being said when it comes to sex, I like to let go and let my partner taker over, and tend to be very submissive. There's nothing shameful about it at all in my opinion. It's just how I prefer things to be.

 

Wow that describes the vast majority of my relationships.

 

Just a minor note- there's a difference between submissive and passive.

Submissive is more of a willful decision. If you're happy and turned on by being dominated in bed, then that's a choice you make and it's not a problem.

But what you're hinting at is more passivity. It's an inability to be assertive and as Chip commented, your passivity can be an issue for you.

There are people who are very dominant in their day-to-day lives- at home, at work and in public who enjoy being submissive in bed. But if you're in this passive mode in all facets of your life- in and out of bed- then yes, this might be a problem for you.

 

Well there surely are but likely they don't feel any shame about it because men are "supposed to be" controlling. I would guess most of your feelings of shame are probably about that, because men are supposed to be take-charge, independent, forceful, dominating kinds of people (and straight, to boot). And I can totally see how it would suck not being able to discuss it with your friends; I think it's cool you feel comfortable discussing it here and that people have been helpful/supportive and not, "What the heck is wrong with you?!" Because I'm guessing that could be a common reaction from, well, idiots.

But yeah, there is a HUGE amount of investment in men as sexual aggressors--it's pretty much the default pattern of how "real" sexual interaction (between men and women, dontcha know) is supposed to go. That's a lot of baggage to try to overcome so don't beat yourself up over it too much.

 

First thing, you're not obliged to discuss your sexuality with anyone, even close friends, if you're not comfortable with it. And instead of lying, I suppose it would be better just to say "I'm not really comfortable telling you what's happening in bed with my partner. This belong only to us".
But if it's important for you to be able to talk about it with your friend, you're not obliged to tell them you're submissive straight away. Maybe when this kind of dicussion start between you and your friend you can start saying something among the lines "I personnaly prefer that my boyfriend takes things in charge." or "I like that my boyfriend is kind of directive with me when it comes about sex", and see how your friends react to it.
Take care

 

Except... treating anyone's sexuality like it's this totally private thing is (a) not reflective of reality because very few people, especially straight people, are hush-hush about their sexuality and (b) it makes it seem like sexuality is something that should be private, which is something I vehemently disagree with because I believe it only encourages the notion that sex and sexuality is something shameful.

Now obviously, one can talk about one's sexual desires without being totally specific (i.e. I don't think I would recommend leading with "Hey I'm NoLeafClover and I'm sexually submissive!") but to claim your sexuality is "just a private affair" translates to me as saying, "I'm not comfortable talking about my sexuality because I think there's something wrong with it." Because I don't think most people realize just how much people do address their sexuality... if it's their HETEROsexuality we're talking about. That is, you rarely hear people advising heterosexuals to treat their sexuality as a special "private" thing... well, unless it's some socially regressive dingdong advising women to preserve their "chastity" to stay "pure." But you hear the whole "sexuality is a special private *beautiful* thing" line WAY MORE if you're gay or if people are talking about any kind of non-heterosexuality. The double standard REALLY bothers me. And interestingly, it's quite nicely exemplified by a famous quotation by a very famous Canadian politician (Pierre Trudeau) regarding the partial decriminalization of adult homosexuality in Canada: "the state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation." Which is all well and good, but the state was only sticking its nose into the bedrooms of the homosexuals of the nation.

Translation: heterosexuality--acceptable and publicly appropriate. Homosexuality--not acceptable and only appropriate in private.

 

It all comes down to how open you are with your friends. If you're someone who likes to keep things private, you shouldn't feel the need to come out and say "Oh yeah! I was totally dominated last night by my partner, let me tell you more about it!" just to fit in with the group or heteronormative realities.

But if people want to talk about the intimate details of their sex lives with their friends - more power to them.

 

It's none of my friends business if I want my partner to tie me up and have his way with me lol.

All they need to know is that I'll be smiling the next day.

 

The OP doesn't have an issue with being gay. He's comfortable with his sexuality.

The OP has an issue with the 'type' or sexual activity he engages in as a homosexual.

I'd say the two are quite different.

And having spent a big chunk of my adult life in a heterosexual relationship and having mostly heterosexual friends, I will say that I have NEVER engaged in discussions around the 'type' of sexual activity that my wife and I or other couples we knew engaged in. And if someone had brought it up, I'd have likely laughed it off as a joke or told them that it indeed was personal and private if they persisted. It really isn't anyone's business in my opinion - and I think the opinion of most people that I know.

Now that I'm in a homosexual relationship, I don't feel a need to share with people whether I'm a 'top' or a 'bottom' any more than I felt the need before to share whether my wife and I did it 'missionary' or 'doggie style', or who was initiator, or how often we had sex, or where we had sex, etc...

I really don't think you can categorize this as heterosexism.

 

Thats a great post.

 

Yes, they are, and I acknowledged that in my reply (in that I was talking about the notion of treating sexuality in general as private as being a bad thing). My response was based on Eleanor's advice, which was generic in the way it was stated:

Now maybe she meant to say: "you're not obliged to discuss your specific sexual activities with anyone" but that's not what she said in the first part. Of course no one is obliged to talk about anything with anyone. What I was getting at is that this take (that sexuality is justifiably private and that this privacy shield can be legitmately employed if you're gay) is so often advised/recommended/accepted as an approach for gay people and not, to the same extent, for straight people. And that is heterosexism at work, and very insidiously, too, because as gay people we often don't realise that "the rules" we're expected to follow about how to talk about our sexualities are quite different from the way in which straight people are expected to and get to talk about theirs.

And I'm not at all singling out Eleanor because she's straight; PLENTY of gay people make this same argument and to me it's just as problematic (if not more so) coming from them as from someone straight. It's a generic approach to non-heterosexualities that is problematic from any direction.