Hey guys – just as a warning this thing is long. Just after some general advice on how to deal with the stuff I’m feeling at that moment. Any guidance is much appreciated. Sorry if the writing style is hard to read – I’ve always wrote in a strange manner. I don’t know how I’m meant to feel or what’s happening to me. Most of the time I feel empty, blank or irritable – yet still on the verge of tears. But then I have random spurts of motivation. Motivation to eat right, to exercise and go to gym... to be happy. Lately with the exception of these urges I’ve lost all my motivation. I haven’t even been eating. It’s not an anorexic thing, if anything I would like to put on weight. I just can’t be bothered eating or I forget to. I barely ate anything today, and only got myself a yogurt because I realised I felt incredibly dizzy and sick due to lack of nutrition. I just don’t know why I’m like this. I don’t have a right to be depressed – there hasn’t been anything major going on in my life. There are times when I have almost completely broken down though such as two nights ago. Everything just crashed in on me and I felt...worthless. Now, before I say this next part let me get two things clear: a) I do not condone suicide. b) I do not condone self harm. That being said, both have been considered by me lately, and the latter has been partaken in. It wasn’t major; I made shallow scratches, which drew blood, on my leg with a small bit of plastic. The thing is.. It kind of helped. I felt more real than I have in a while. That scares me. I don’t want my coping mechanic to be self harm. Yet every time things have felt bad in the past couple days it’s all I can think of doing. Just so I can feel normal again because at the moment I feel inhuman. Mechanical. Then there are occasional days where I feel alright. That makes me feel even more abnormal – If I was depressed surely I would always feel empty/irritable.. but if it’s not, why do I feel this way? As I said before, I don’t have any major reason why I should be feeling this. My parents both accept and love me, I know my friends care for me, I haven’t ever been abused – physically or emotionally. I almost feel bad for feeling anything but perfect. I have felt these things before – last year it happened for 5 months, maybe a little longer. I had [or felt I did] have a reason for it then however. I could not accept the fact I was gay, and I hated myself for it. I don’t feel this way anymore – although I do find it hard at times being gay in a very heterosexual sporting culture. Don’t let my previous comments mislead you either – I am not going to commit suicide. I have too many people that care about me to consider such a thing. I am not morally or ethically against it [not looking to debate this point with anyone, just making myself clear], but I couldn’t hurt the people that care about me that much. But sometimes I catch myself thinking about it, which scares me as much as wanting to make cuts on my leg. Sorry about the rant, But I needed to get that out. Any advice would be appreciated; about what you think is going on, how to deal with it, if I’m just being stupid and to get over it – anything. If you read this far; Thankyou.
It's very tempting to think that one needs a "reason" to be depressed. And frankly, that simply isn't the case. I've had two bouts of depression - one in 1994, and one in 2008. In 1994, I was having trouble breaking into my chosen field, and I assumed that was the "cause" of it all. But in 2008, everything was going fairly well. I loved my jobs, my relationship was on solid footing, I wasn't having any issue with anybody. But the depression was getting pretty deep. I kept getting negative thoughts and being unable to move away from them. Once, I saw a fire truck go by (didn't even have its lights on), and I was unable to think of anything for the next 15 minutes but my house burning down, and my cats burning alive. And, like you, I was having some appetite issues. I finally had enough and went to see the doctor. She gave me a standardized test to check for depression, and it was decided I had a "mild" case. I told her, "If this is mild, I sure as fuck don't ever want to see a severe one." She said one of the indications that it was a mild case was that it wasn't exactly constant. I could still function OK, and I wasn't consumed with negativity 24/7. We talked about my life, and she came to the same conclusion I did - I was undergoing "clinical" depression. Not something caused by (or even made worse by) external forces, but something due specifically due to some sort of chemical imbalance. She asked if I would be willing to try an anti-depressant, and suggest a mild one to start with. I had worked through my previous depression on my own, and while I did eventually emerge from it, it was long, painful, and exceptionally unpleasant. So I decided to try the anti-depressant. Like most anti-depressants, it took a while to take effect. When you're dealing with the brain, you don't want to shove it back into line - you have to sort of gently nudge it along. So it took ten or twelve days to really have any effect. But then I had this weird "breakthrough" moment (in Home Depot, of all places). I suddenly felt "normal". It was like a bit of light breaking through a cloud cover. It didn't last long, but I suddenly felt 1000 times better. Because I knew I was on the right track. Within a couple of weeks, the "clear" feelings far outweighed the "cloudy" ones. In fact, most of my negative times were more "fear of becoming cloudy" than truly "cloudy" ones. I was in that spot for a month or so, and then I was pretty much back to normal. It took me a couple weeks to wean myself off the pills, and then I was right as rain. I'm not saying this is precisely what's going on with you, or that you'll be prescribed the same thing, or that it'll go precisely as I set it out here. But let's just say the symptoms look awfully familiar. Given that, I'd say talking to your doctor is the best first step. Lex
What you're describing is very typical of clinical depression. We tend to focus on the mood aspects of depression but it's really more like a brownout- the electricity is still on but things just don't work the way they should. Thoughts are abnormal, reasoning is impaired, motivation is off and life's little challenges seem to be overwhelming. Your first step is to get a physical to make sure everything physical is okay. While you're there, let your physician know that you suspect you might be going through a mild depression and talk about your options.
Thanks for the advice guys. Doubly so to lex for sharing your story with me. I'll head down to the doctors once I get a chance to have a chat.
