Met Someone New, Things Go So Wrong

A few days ago I went to a local bar and ultimately ended up bringing one of the newly met people back to my apartment. It didn't take long for me to realize he was very drunk, especially after he hurled. Thankfully, it was an easy cleanup due to the logistics.

With him at my place for about 3 hours, we only had a sexual encounter moments before I took him home. I was really not insistent, but once the idea arose, he was actually fairly interested. The next morning, he asked for me to tell him what happened. I guess he didn't remember anything. I explained everything from how I met them to getting to my place, him hurling, and told him some of the sexual encounter. I can't remember if I told him every detail. He actually pushed me to things I didn't want to do. Keep in mind he was drunk, although at this point he was not dizzy and was fairly coherent.

A few days later he not only de-friended me on Facebook, but actually blocked me completely. I was able to see that his account was still active through another Facebook account. I have to say that this, being the second guy I grew attached to, hurt like no other. I got a good hour or two of crying in as I was so angry and upset that the whole time, I thought if he really isn't interested in me at all (because he was drunk) well at least he'll obviously be a friend. So my worst fear came true. It seems like my worst fears always come true when I actually have a worst fear.

I sent him a lengthy message, which I was starting out as an angry confrontation, but I changed to a soft and strong apology before sending. He responded positive, saying sorry, etc. He thanked me because overall I outright told him he is lucky to have been with me given that I was sober and could tend to his dangerous condition. I only had his best interest in mind.

This leaves me with all the questions in the world. He did explain that he was drinking because he had a huge fight with his boyfriend, which I learned of him having on FB the next day. I have a response ready to send but am thinking it over. Two messages I'd like to send today, perhaps with a gap between them.

"Is your boyfriend insisting on you not only de-friending, but also actively blocking me on Facebook? I guess I can understand why."

"Regardless, I want to actually meet you sometime. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but before I die, I want to be friends with [firstName middleName lastName] from [city]."

The only relief I have experienced is that his boyfriend might be violent or angry with me should I run into him. I don't want to get hurt, obviously. I texted this individual the day after his drunkenness telling him to be careful, I don't want him to get hurt. In no time, I was developing strong feelings for him, explicitly concerned for his well being.

Since coming out in December, about everything I have done has been a first. This technically represents the first rejection by someone I care about. I had my first date previously, but I ultimately rejected him. The thing that destroys me is that I really need to build a network of friends like this person. Also: he didn't remember anything. I wonder how this all would have gone had I actually not done anything sexual OR if I would have lied and said we didn't... I don't want to lead a pool of lies but there is some relief in thinking his boyfriend is probably leading the blocking and would probably still "dislike" me for taking his boyfriend for the evening.

If anyone has any suggestions for adding more emotional razor blades to my messages above, let me know. I have to be careful because he might close the texting line of communication at any point (somehow I guess). Wow this still really hurts. He offered to have breakfast the morning after but I didn't have time. I wish I would have made the time. Maybe we could have connected enough for him to maintain the relationship. He is aware I'm a good guy (I really am) but either that isn't enough OR I think more likely his boyfriend insisted on these actions to continue their own relationship. My thinking on the second message is basically really the truth. I connected with him enough that someday, honestly before I die, I want to get to know him. Ouch...

At this point, I would kill for friendship. I hate that I really never met this guy truly, given his condition. He is 21 years old. I guess another thought is that there is no way he will be with his boyfriend for the rest of his life--RIGHT?! I mean honestly, isn't that an obvious duh? Anyone want to predict a typical 21 year old relationship length average (gay)? So when he breaks up, then maybe he would be available to be friends. From what I have seen, he is a really great person. I hate to have lost the opportunity to befriend him. Hate hate hate.

 

My mom gave me the best advice of anyone so far. It was quite a bit, but some of what I gathered from it is that I should just move completely on (many agree) but also that he has seen what a great guy I am. I've told him and he has outright responded to that. I helped him through some difficult situations without even thinking about a lot of horrible things I could have done. Kicked him out on the street...simple enough. At some point in the future he could very well contact me. I told him I would really like to be friends. Sooner or later he will break up with his boyfriend (right, people?) since he is only 21 years old. I will look more appealing as this great guy who is not desperate.

Yes he has done a lot of bad things. But I still have a desire to be a friend with him. Maybe one day. Worst case, I can contact him in 2 years and see how he has been. Maybe then his same BF will have gotten over it and not care if we talk.

I'm feeling a lot better overall. I was a wreck last night.

 

This individual contacted me 2 days later and asked if I was clean. He claims to be clean, having just been tested 3 weeks earlier. He was also supposedly in a relationship, that he broke with me. Yes, this is terrible and horrible. I went out that night strictly to find friends. One thing led to another and he was walking with me to my car. The sexual encounter didn't take place for 3 hours. We just rested until then. I could have easily done nothing. He wasn't pushing me to, until I mentioned the idea.

 

Hey, it's the first time I did. I had around 5 pick-up opportunities the week prior, all initiated by others. This time, I selected the guy, granted he did make the offer to leave together. Talk about will power when I'm laying next to this cute guy for 3 hours, totally content not doing anything sexual. I only made the request so I could have done a hook-up. Almost like checking it off my list. Supposedly we were both clean and our activity was not high risk.

 

I do realize the chief problem with my progression is determining what I want. I am about as responsible and rule-following as people get and am an very good at following instructions. The issue is when I don't devise a plan for myself, I am missing the instructional element. I have no rules I follow. I am creating them as I proceed. Keep in mind that the other hook-up opportunities I had I turned down simply because I never planned on a hook-up situation. I still feel this way, especially after the loss I feel from this one. Part of this was a curiosity, a feeling that "every other gay/straight person" has done a hook up in their life. That is what college often results in for a lot of people. Now that I had one, with some interesting stories to tell, I don't have to feel left out.

Going forward I hope to continue meeting people, at bars/clubs in addition to church and other groups, all taking my best friend's advice to heart. In most cases, he waited roughly a month from first meeting his girlfriends to having sex. He usually got tested and had unprotected sex, though. It was interesting when he told me outright that he simply does not care if he catches a STD. He only cares to not spread them to others. As far as I know he is clean, and gets tested, but he just does not care (even if he gets HIV). I responded saying that he has good primary behaviors, though. Activity is so much safer when good values and actions are the foundation.

 

Absolutely, great advice. I buy organic food. What good is organic if I let myself catch a terrible STD or HIV. Seriously woah. I do a lot of healthy things to, and am always looking to improve my health.

I had a couple experiences, neither of which seem to have put me at any real risk, and supposedly everyone was clean anyway.

Some of the advice givers I have met have told me I am nowhere near ready for a boyfriend. One came out a year older than me (I'm 23) and had his first boyfriend at 28. My question is: when people say this, are they saying just look around for those years? Or try guys out? My best friend (who mentioned HIV) practices quite reasonable habits, too. He has only had around 3 sexual partners in probably the 5 years he has been sexually active.

If I'm not ready for a boyfriend, how do I get what I want? What I really want is the closeness and affection of a great guy. The sexual element has always been apart of my lonesome life. The affection is what I truly long for, right now. I hate every hour that goes by where I don't have a guy to simply be with. I'm obviously not that crazy but right now, that's what I really badly want.

I agree about not focusing on bars/clubs. I started going to an affirming church and already met a decent guy, who is around my age. I want to be more careful and my best friend's advice really helped me realize a path of safety. Granted, I still contend (and know it's true) that any sexual activity carries a level of risk, no matter what.

 

You really figured me out. I do have a boyfriend shaped hole. The non-sexual element of being with a guy is so incredibly new to me--I've done it twice--and I truly long for that. One of the reasons I felt this should happen now is because I missed out on a few years of relationships, so I was hoping to make up for some lost time. Honestly, I think I may have already satisfied that desire.

Your advice is sound and totally reasonable. However, I realized yesterday, in response to *several* people telling me I can't have a boyfriend so soon, that I really don't like people telling me what I can or cannot have. It sounds strange, but I have always led my life of the mindset that I can be whoever I want to be if I put my mind to it. Focus my efforts and good things will happen. I live life with to do lists and starting 2011, my priority is finding a guy. I have actually written that on my list, and even broken it down to methods and such. It is something I want and long for. It will happen and I've learned some lessons. I have a lot of great advice-givers around me, from my parents to my best friend.

I have actually shared all my stories of meeting people with a large handful of people. Responses include my cousin wishing she got so much attention, being shocked at some interactions I have had. I am worried that a bar/club is not a great place to meet someone. Granted: I have basically never been to those places prior to this event of looking for a guy. I don't drink, dance very little, just generally am not comfortable there, etc. I hate the idea of approaching a guy who can't hear a word I say. I've often thought my best qualities are my personality and personal life. These aspects do not transfer all that well above loud music.

 

I'll strategically place myself in situations and locations where the chances of meeting someone are higher, all the while avoiding actually looking. haha