Mood Disorders (Mental Illness) & Every day life

I am currently diagnosed with ADD, OCD, anxiety, and depression. I am going to see a psychiatrist in a few weeks to discuss the possibility of me having bipolar disorder, and getting an accurate picture of whats going on.
It is a struggle for me day to day to just keep pushing through, as my moods can be unpredictable. I try to take it one day at a time. I see a psychologist, and am trying to find a support net of friends and family to fall back on.
I strongly dislike the stigma of mental illness in the US. I feel like even more of an outcast than I already am.

 

peanutbutter, it sounds like you're doing really well considering! Symptom free for a year and doing so well in school--that is awesome.

And I get how hard it is too... I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was fifteen years old. I'm also a college student and a lesbian.

It IS hard. It's been harder for me in the past than it is now, and I'm never symptom free. It's always a careful balance with me. Gotta sleep enough, eat enough, take some time to myself and just breathe every day, go out once in a while and deal with all the myriad moods I've learned to recognize in myself. It's a battle to keep myself healthy and functioning, but I've figured it out to a pretty narrow margin. Really though, even with meds and everything, it's hard.

But when thinking about needing my meds gets me down, I just tell myself this (and it's really the most logical way of thinking about it)....

If I had a different illness, like diabetes, I would not get down on myself or think I'm not good enough because I needed insulin--why should I have to feel bad about taking meds for my brain? It's the most important part of me and I need it to be functioning at its best.

I've been in therapy for six years, but am getting to the point where I might not need it anymore.

But as far as stigma goes...yeah...that's really awful sometimes, but again, fuck everyone who thinks I can't do or be anything that they can because I've got a mental illness.

I don't really know what to do about it, but I hope that just getting to know me helps change people's views--sort of like in the way that exposure sometimes changes people's views on being gay.

 

You're definitely not alone. I have a "generalized" mood disorder, meaning I do have bi-polar tendencies but I don't fit into the category of bi-polar because my symptoms aren't severe enough or something like that. I also have depression, anxiety and ptsd and my girlfriend has borderline personality disorder. I used to be on medication but I didn't find it helpful and I've been doing a lot better without it. To be honest most of my friends have some kind of mental illness or mood disorder. So like I said you're not alone

 

I have aspergers and I find it extremely hard to talk to people in person and maintain conversations at all. It isn't a mood disorder but it can be annoying at times.

 

So that's what its called! I've always thought I had a "Light" Bi-polar disorder, but was always confused about it.

But yea, depression, OCD, ADD, I've "experienced" them, I say experienced, because they aren't as bad anymore, I'd like to think I DID have them but, I've improved soo much through the years.. But then again people doesn't seem to be able to get rid of "Mental disorders" so, it's hard to say If I ever one. Also its self-diagnosed, but I was 100% though.

 

OCD, anxiety, depression, and HSP here. Had my first really horrible depressive episode a few years ago and it's been a series of ups and downs since then. They frequently keep me from holding a job, socializing, or getting out of the house much.

For a long time I had a lot of shame about it, until it occurred to me just how demanding our society is. It's not just sexual or gender identity that's dictated at us, we're aggressively prescribed ideals about social ability, mood, athletic prowess, intelligence, hygiene, body, creativity, pop-culture awareness, academic excellence....everyone is expected to be able to do everything. But most people don't fit into this mold, we're wired for different things. It's society's fault for not being versatile enough to find a place for us, and trying to cram every shape into the same round hole. I still struggle a lot, but I'm getting a little better at accepting what I'm not built for.

 

I used to be misdiagnosed with bipolar. I relapsed and the doctor I went to recently has diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which is a mix of bipolar and schizophrenia. I also have depression and I had anorexia as a teen. I'm glad to hear you're doing so well in school. I know how you feel when it comes to the stigma. The stereotyping is really awful and offensive and sometimes I'm afraid to say anything when people are being callous. I think that going to support groups or something and meeting others with mental illness that can identify with your problems would help. You're not alone.

 

I don't have any mood issues, but I have an extreme case of schizoid personality disorder. I think as a child I developed a huge disassociative schism in my personality between intellect and emotions due to being transgendered - it was the only coping mechanism my young mind could come up with, since I was not versed in suicide and didn't have the language to expression the conflicted dichotomy of my existence. As a result, I never developed "properly". Schizoid personality is commonly accepted by psychiatrists to be the result of early childhood trauma, usually neglect or emotional abuse. I think mine was forced gender conformity, which qualifies as both (even though it was completely unintentional torture). Schizophrenia-spectrum disorders run in my family - my late grandmother was a schizoid as well and lived as an almost total recluse after her children moved away.

I was unable to process childhood gender dysphoria or explain it to others, so as I grew out of infancy I fell into some behavioral patterns that almost mimicked autism - body rocking, ritual acts, selective mutism, self injury, dislike for being touched or spoken to, restrictive behavior/thought, and obsessive fantasy. But I also displayed what folks call "islets of ability" - I had almost no social skills to speak of, but in exchange I have a near-photographic memory (not for names or numbers, but for faces and facts), a natural gift for art/language, and I can carry a perfect pitch singing or playing an instrument.

Back in the '90s, when I entered elementary school, they tried to put me in special education because they thought I was retarded - autism-spectrum behaviors were almost unknown then. I also hadn't started to display any major "savant" behaviors yet. But when they tested my IQ in the first grade, I was almost off the charts for intelligence, much to the surprise of the same people who thought I was a few crayons short of a full box. So a few of my teachers insisted that I be placed in the gifted program, and when I was I did well.

As an adult, this is me in a nutshell, plus the above behaviors:

Up until recently, I've mostly adopted a "fake it 'til you make it" approach which has worked pretty well. The only problem with this is that my relationships have tended to be very superficial - more of a camouflage than anything else - and I have a bad habit of dropping them at random. I have abandoned all of my friends and lovers over the years not due to any failing of theirs, but because I reached a point in our relationship where the demand for emotional intimacy was greater than I could tolerate. So I pushed them away. It's not just people in real life, either. I'll occasionally drop an online forum for the same reasons - I even left Empty Closets for over a year. There is no thought process or reasoning behind this kind of rejection either, it's like it's an instinctual act. The only people I have ever been able to maintain an emotional attachment to are my first-degree relatives - father, mother, brother. The ones I "imprinted" on, basically.

It can be hard to live as a schizoid just because our society is SO social and schizoid behavior is so stigmatized/abnormal/rare in comparison to acting normal, but I'm pretty used to it at this point.

It's kind of like growing up transgendered or blind from birth - if you have never been normal, you don't really miss it because you don't know anything else. I have a really good relationship with my coworkers because they place few demands on my emotions or time, but I don't have any friends outside of work. Zero. Superficially I appear polite and friendly with everyone, but on the inside the only thing I want to be away from people. I'm happiest when I'm alone in nature or with animals.

I try to keep my work relationships strictly work-related, because the alternative is having people try to draw too close to me and then I reject them (much to their surprise and dismay, since we got on so well before). I have already done it with a few people and feel a weird mixture of guilt and relief about it - guilt because I don't like to hurt others, and relief because I no longer have to maintain a false relationship that I didn't get anything out of. I know this behavior could hurt me professionally, so I try to just avoid all but the most casual of friendships entirely now. My life is very compartmentalized and solitary. I live in a shell of my own design. My next door neighbors have only met me once in ten years, though they know the rest of my family by name and are on good terms with them. I'm basically a modern day Boo Radley.

As for treatment, I'm not in it and have no desire to pursue it at this point in my life. Schizoid personality is pretty much considered by psychological circles as an incurable condition. The only thing I can do is manage it by making my life as comfortable as possible by gently disallowing people to get close to me, by setting up my life in a "loner" pattern that gives me room to mentally withdraw from the world and keeps me from being overloaded by external stimulus. I'm also working hard to capitalize on my talents so I can maintain an independent lifestyle into late adulthood.

 

*express

:rolle:

 

maverick: Holy crap, it's like reading an account of my own life. I'm not sure if it was gender expectations specifically that caused the rift for me, though there was certainly a component to that; I think at a young age, I recognized that I wasn't "normal", and internalized the idea that I had to smooth off all my rough edges and hide anything that ever got me social attention as being "abnormal". Above all I was afraid of showing anything that would give me away as not like other people, and just did my best to cope. My therapist says I show a lot of the signs of being a trauma victim, but I have no history of what most people would consider traumatic moments...except that I've spent most of my life trying to be what I think people want to see, and no certainty at all about what I actually want. And a lot of incidents of withdrawing from people after a long enough time.

I could never tell if I wanted more or less from everyone, and even today I'm always looking for exactly the right balance of intimacy. Even a pretty good balance on a long enough timeline starts to become unbearable, because things get too comfortable, there's a familiarity with people that could too easily lead to an intimate moment, which sets off alarms. There's specific things I'm scared about them finding out, but more than that it's just a painful sense of intrusion. I get the image of them cutting me open and digging around inside me. I've drifted from so many social circles over the years. It's really, really hard to explain to people why I'm not around, because I don't understand myself why I can't be around them. I just know I can't.

But for most of my life, I assumed I was doing something wrong, or that I was broken, and I had to figure out how to integrate. You can't really tell someone "I need you to be there for me when I need you, and leave me alone otherwise", or at least I can't. But it's the only thing that works. Thanks for posting that, I'm gonna talk to my therapist about SPD and do some more reading.

 

I have Aspergers (social disorder, but still needs to be dealt with). Personally, it seems to change the way I experience emotions, and makes it hard for me to interact with people in general. I deal with it by avoiding people, mainly.

 

Has being a schizoid helped my character? I say yes. Absolutely yes. Being so apart from society for such a long time has helped me to see it in a very objective light; it's also one of the reasons I'm a talented artist, singer, writer and scholar (not bragging, just being straight up). Those were some of the only activities I could do in solitude, so I practiced with autistic intensity for years, alone. While other people were out making friends and hanging out, I was by myself filling dozens of sketchbooks/notebooks, reading every book I could get my hands on, and listening to the same songs on repeat over and over again until I could sing them note for note.

I was/am an audodidact, so I soak up information like a sponge. I've studied so many subjects I could give a lecture on practically anything. And I go through "periods" of study where I obsess over a single topic...in the two years after college, I spent about two years solid just analyzing current events, international conflict, terrorism and war theory. I probably went through a hundred pages of international newspapers and research materials a day, from all over the world, translating them from foreign languages if I had to.

I studied the world like it was entirely foreign to me, because for all intents and purposes, it is. My "real world" most days consists of a ten by thirteen foot room with a bed, a computer, a TV, a bookshelf, a window, and four blank walls. I only leave the house to go to work and sit in an even smaller room in front of a computer for eight hours (or the gym, to off-set sitting around all day long).

Would I genetically change it? No - at this point in my life schizoid personality is an integral part of who I am. And I'm not unhappy. Most people would consider "my world" a prison if they had to live in it, but for a prisoner of my own personality I'm remarkably well-adjusted. All of my coworkers like me, and I perform well in the world when I have to...I just prefer to be apart from it. Disassociation from reality causes me to live mostly in elaborate fantasy worlds that are internalized, and while a lot of people would say that isn't mentally healthy, they haven't had the opportunity to be to the awesome places in my head that I have. For a professional writer, being schizoid isn't really a huge problem. I think most writers have a touch of it to one degree or another.

I wouldn't, however, have kids and risk passing the gene on. I think my situation is sort of a "perfect storm" scenario. Lots of schizoids that I know of are miserable because of their disorder - they can't hold down jobs, maintain good relationships with even first-degree relatives, or force themselves into public even when they desperately need to leave their havens. They have no self-worth - they become bitter agoraphobes. Nothing interests them or gives them pleasure. I'm determined not to be that way.

You might want to check out Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperament by Kay Redfield Jamison. It's an interesting read.

http://www.amazon.com/Touched-Fire-Manic-Depressive-Artistic-Temperament/dp/068483183X

 

I have depression and social anxiety. I've experienced a lot of negative responces to depression and suicide online. I posted a comment on a music video about how the song helped stop myself from committing suicide, and I got a TON of negative responces. People said stuff like it I made it up, I'm pathetic, I'm a faggot, and one person mocked my story by making it about anal sex.

I think me being in denial about being gay contributed to me becoming severely depressed. I think it may have even contributed to me to start cutting (I've stopped though).

Depression and SA make everyday life harder, but not too hard. Since I've started an antidepressant, my depression is definitly more managable, but it's still there. My anxiety has made me sort of live in a routine so I can avoid any anxiety. But I'm working on all of it. It's a process.

 

I'm not really into this whole outlining a list of mental disabilities I think I have to everyone, but the closest I could probably come to with a valid diagnosis is mild OCD. It's never bothered me enough to treat it, although I've looked into non-pharmacological behavioral exposure as a way to get rid of it once and for all.

I've also had some people suggest I was depressed, but frankly, that's just because my life sucks. If I had a good face, a big dick, a fuck buddy, and lots of money, I guarantee you I'd be much, much happier.