Drinking...

I think you're absolutely right in worrying about both your health and mental health. When you use drinking as a way to drown out your sorrows, that is never a good thing. And from what you've said, it sounds like you may be becoming an alcoholic. I know that sounds scary and I don't want to freak you out about what I've said, but when you feel that you're becoming dependent to alcohol and you start drinking alone, especially in the morning, those are definitely tell tale signs of alcoholism. Since you're in school right now, they have a lot of resources for students who are dealing with this kind of problem. I think you should definitely find a counselor at your school as it is a way for you to be able to get out all your emotions and be able to deal with them more effectively. If you take action now, you will be able to slow down this dependency before it gets any worst. I know it's scary having to talk to a stranger that you don't know but you will feel much better afterwards, trust me! And you're definitely not alone in this. A lot of people our age drink a lot since college can be a very stressful time and when you're also worrying about your sexuality, life becomes a lot more stressful.

As for the guy you're interested in, I think you might want to get some distance from him. If you're thinking of being with him to hold on to being straight, then you probably shouldn't try anything with him as you will both end up hurt. Even if there isn't a chance that you might be with him, being around him will only force you to suppress a part of who you are. Right now, focus on accepting yourself and your health. Then once you're feeling better about things, you can focus on any crushes that you have on guys or girls.

Ok so that was long. Hope it helped! You can always write on my wall if you feel like venting some more

 

I can relate. I used to have a pretty bad relationship with alcohol. I never went out, but I drank a lot of hard alcohol alone, in my room. I liked the taste of it, and I liked the burn. In some ways it was the way people cut. When I felt that fire in throat, I felt a live. it helped me sleep, and relax, and not worry. And I knew that I was in a bad place, and that this was not a good thing to do, but I couldn't help myself. Among other reasons I started to come out to myself when I realized how bad it had gotten in terms of my self esteem, my drinking, my loneliness, anger and self hatred, and how close to suicide I was. It was not that I wanted to be gay, but coming out became a matter of survival. It has been about a year since I started that process and I only drink socially. Through my coming out process, I have developed deeper friendships with all of my close friends, and now I have a place to turn other than alcohol when things are not going well.

This is just a guess, but I would say worrying about your liver is probably not going to convince you to stop. I honestly think that like me only by getting to the root cause of your drinking will you be able to overcome it. I spent a lot of time with a counselor last year, and it worked wonders for me. Like dreamcatcher said, it can be a daunting experience opening up to a total stranger, but it is also empowering to show that you can do it. Part of the thing that was really helpful was just articulating out loud how I felt about my sexual orientation. When I began telling people it was a lot easier since I had already talked about it. If you are in college, most schools have free and confidential counseling services, if not counseling is generally covered by insurance.

If you have any questions about my experience, shoot me a message or a wall post. The fact that you have come here seeking help is a really important first step. Know that we are always here to support you.

 

What you're describing is called "self-medication," the definition of which should be fairly self-explanatory; according to a friend who works in the mental health field, somewhere between 50 and 90% of people with a drug or alcohol problem have an underlying mental illness. Here's the thing, self-medication is an ineffective coping mechanism. It does nothing to address the underlying problems and carries with it a whole host of secondary problems.

So, my first piece of advice to you is to find a therapist or counselor, someone you can talk about your problems to and work on developing more effective coping mechanisms. This will take a significant amount of work and time, but it will definitely be worth it. If you're attending college your school may offer free or reduced therapy, if not many therapists charge on a sliding scale to account for their patients' financial means (I, for example, pay my therapist half her standard rate). There may also be local resources to help you fund mental healthcare. Feel free to ask her or in a PM about how to find a therapist and work up the courage for the first appointment, or anything else connected to therapy.

My second piece of advice is to find a group in your area that works on alcohol addiction. Some people find Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) very successful, others don't, but there are other organizations that use different methods and programs to work on addiction. Again, if you're attending college, your school may run one of these groups.

 

Hi. I'm so glad that you've posted this here. It tells me that you've recognized that there is a problem, and you'd like to do something about it.

The advice you've received already is spot on. How do I know? Because I'm a recovering addict. And it doesn't matter whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, shopping, eating, cutting, or any other number of things that people become addicted to. All of them were a coping mechanism to help mask or escape negative emotions or situations. And this coping mechanism worked really well for the addict, which is why they kept doing it.

Unfortunately, every addict develops a tollerance for their 'drug'. So to get the same kind or relief, you need more. This can be gradual, which makes it almost impossible for you to recognize that it's a problem until it is. And then you're really stuck, because your coping mechanism has become your problem - and you don't have anywhere else to turn because it's the only coping mechanism you have. So a what might have been a slow and gradual escalation can become a sudden spiral.

I've been there. And I didn't see the point in going on either. 5 years ago I found myself an addict, gay, and watching my family 'fall apart'. I contemplated ending it - but didn't. I had started counselling, which was a God-send. And my counsellor had me start attending a 12 step program like AA. And it worked. With support from friends and family who knew about my addiction, with counselling, and with 12 step meetings I got better.

And not relatively better. I got 'better'! Better than I've ever been. That hopelessness that I felt 5 years ago is gone - replaced with a real optimism for the future. I'm now married to a wonderful guy and I still have a very good relationship with my ex wife and my 2 beautiful daughters.

So go talk to someone about this. As scary as it seems, you need to talk about this and start to confront it. With some help and support, then try to stop drinking. See if you're able to. If you're not (as you've suggested) then you'll likely need to get some professional help with this.

As well, going to an AA meeting might be enlightening. Going to a 12 step meeting was scary. I was convined that I wasn't as sick as those people must be. But I found that I was - but that it was OK. I was, for the first time, with a group of people who could totally understand how I was feeling and how hopeless and powerless I was over my addiction. And you know, they didn't care that I was gay and was struggling with my addiction. Everyone had their own reasons or issues. They just manifested themselves in a common problem - for which there was an answer. A solution. And what I found at the meeting were people who suffered with the same addiction as I did, yet were sober from it - and had been for several years some of them.

It's a lot to take in, but write to me one on one if you want to discuss this in private. Otherwise, keep the converation going here.

(Sorry I was late to respond to this - my internet was out of commission over the weekend!)

 

I can totally relate to what you are going through. I had almost the exact same relationship with the bottle around 3 years ago. My now Exwife ran off with one of my best friends and was cheating with him under my own roof. And because I couldnt bring myself to kick him out they LIVED in my house for months while this went on. To make a long story short I also discovered I was bisexual at this time due to another situation that arose. So I started drinking and heavily. I drank almost a fifth of hard liqueur or more a night and was blacking out more and more often. I looked and felt like crap but the drink was all that let me forget the hurt. I was like that for some time until a friend saw me one day after one of my benders she called my mother who lived across the country at the time as I was in the service and far from home. Well after a few hard words on my mothers side and my work center supervisor noticing how I was spinning out of control I got told that I would get help or they would get me help. So I just stopped. Well not totally I cut back by a massive amount and stopped getting drunk nightly, then stopped even getting tipsy regularly. Now I am at the point where I drink on occasion and dont have much of an issue. It took me the better part of two years to get here though. I also still have a hard time NOT reaching for a bottle when things get really bad. I dont know if counseling or a group would have helped make it easier but I do want you to know if you REALLY want it, you can do it on your own. Its not easy nor is it pretty but its possible. I however did have support from some key people that kept me accountable. So unless you have that its not likely to work. Keep strong and know it is possible to get better. But get help in whatever form you are comfortable with fast because you can see you have an issue and its one that can only get worse and with ugly results. I wish you the best and invite you to write on my wall if you have questions or need support. Its a long road and its a hard one but you will get there. (*hug*)

 

I'm glad you appreciate the support, and that you could relate to the stories we shared.

I'm sensing your addiction (which is cunning, baffling, and powerful) is now doing the talking. "Ya, I might get some help. I'll maybe talk to a friend and see how that goes. Things are OK now, but if they get worse, I'll certainly get some help." Things were bad enough on Friday to cause you to write this here. I'd say they're bad enough for you to get help.

The thought of not drinking makes you sad... yes. Addicts go through a period of grieving the loss of their crutch. But at the same time you have this 'itch' in the middle of your chest that goes away when you drink. It sounds to me that there is a dependency here.

Every addiction, if left untreated, will kill you.

You can deal with it now, while it hasn't yet had any major impacts on your life. OR you can wait until you've hit your 'rock bottom' - some kind of crisis that prompts you to get help. (Maybe flunking out of school, being arrested for driving drunk.) But one way or another you'll likely need help with this. And if you're not able to bring youself to get that help then the alcohol will kill you. Either through natural causes (your failing health) or unatural (suicide, drunk driving accident).

Make a call. Write a note. Get help from someone and start talking about this problem.

 

Lot's of great advice here, I can't say more than, you've taken a big step, time to gather your thoughts and act accordingly, you know in your heart what to do, many here and around you to offer a hand in love, and help you through what makes your heart ache.

Good luck to you and don't forget to keep sharing what helped you through this...it might just help someone else reading this, hence the circle completes itself...even in a small way :eusa_clap

 

I drank heavily for the past 7-8 years. I'm 23. I quit because I was either going to kill someone or myself If I kept up. I'm on a bunch of pills that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol. Anyways I'm 63 days sober and I don't have the intention of going back to drinking. I'm enjoying life right now. In a happy place for the first time in years.

 

Congrats! Quite often quitting completely is the only real solution. Good for you! Are you going it alone? Or with the help of a group or counsellor?

 

I can totally relate to everything you said. I am the same way. I'm getting sober again myself. If you ever need a listening ear, just post. Know that you are not alone in dealing with this, even at such a young age.