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Social anxiety linked to being gay?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Lewis, May 23, 2012.

  1. Lewis

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    I know there's a lot of threads regarding social anxiety, but this one is kind of personal to myself. I suffer from really bad social anxiety, particularly public speaking. I was just wondering if it could be linked to me being gay and in the closet?

    I have really bad panic attacks when it comes to speaking in front of a class, but can be completely confident in other things. It's just really severe and kind of hold some hope that it may be linked to my sexuality and that it could possibly be lifted (a little), one I come out.

    I may sound stupid, but thought I'd ask. :icon_bigg
     
  2. rx79g

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    I have thought this too actually. Unfortunately I'm still in the closet for the most part so I dont know if it's true. I do know I am the most relaxed around my friend I am out to, so there might be some validity in it.
     
  3. Chip

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    There's a strong link between social anxiety, panic attacks, and shame. And there's a very strong link between shame and being closeted.

    So while social anxiety isn't directly linked to being gay, per se, the underlying issue, which is shame and the related self esteem issues, has its origin at least in part due to issues of being gay and closeted, if that makes sense. And that's amplified by things like public speaking, because the fear there is of being ridiculed or not accepted.

    The interesting thing about shame is... the way we eliminate it is to talk about it and bring it out in the open. Shame can only exist when it is hidden (much like the discomfort about being gay and not out.)
     
  4. Dalmatian

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    As far as I've seen, many people, no matter what their sexuality might be, appear to have much more confidence once they start dating. I've witnessed it many times with my friends and colleagues. Actually, it seems that having never been in a relationship makes people feel inferior, which is to say that they see other people as superior, and they then find it difficult to speak to them.
    But that might just be completely wrong :slight_smile: I don't know.

    I'd say that most people have trouble speaking in public. Those who don't are almost always those who have done it many times (or kids who just haven't come to "self concious" in dictionary yet).

    I already mentioned my own experience in the other thread. I used to be quite unable to speak in public. At one point I was even considering taking a year to go teach maths in high school just because I thought that would teach me to be relaxed. I mean, a bunch of teenagers are as hostile an audience as you can get :slight_smile: I did like the idea of teaching too, just to be clear that this wasn't the only reason.

    I didn't go back to school, but at my job I've had to speak in public many times and I think I would now be able to speak in front of any audience, in a meeting with few people or in a classroom or at a conference or in a stadium or on television. I am still not crazy about it, but the difference is that before I went into it thinking how I will start losing it more and more during the presentation and now I know that within a few sentences I will completely calm down and be able to improvise my way out of anything.

    What I am saying is that the only cure is experience.

    By the way, I am still gay and still closeted :grin:
     
  5. I think Chip covered most of it. This topic made me think of something, though. I have pretty severe social anxiety, which makes it hard to perform everyday functions, like going to the store or answering the phone. However, when it comes to my sexual orientation and gender identity, I experience surprisingly little anxiety. I have no problem coming out unless I have reason to believe it will endanger me, and it's just a topic that I feel comfortable discussing. I don't know, it's probably a bit odd. Is anyone else like that? :confused2:
     
  6. Lewis

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    Thanks for all of the answers, really nice to know that I'm not the only one suffering!

    I don't really feel shame about my sexuality, I'm really comfortable with it, but I think it's the hiding that makes things worse for me. I just want to be completely myself, like I used to be. I had so much confidence before my sexuality really started to come to light, I think I'm at a point in which I'm really desperate for people to know.
     
  7. Just Passing

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    Not being out as a person is essentially preventing a part of yourself from being portrayed in a more accurate sense, thus creating any aforementioned social anxiety. I must admit that in certain places, I'm more confident in terms of how I act and feel more alive so to speak, where as in other places I feel restricted.

    I think Chip has stated it best though, so I can't add anything else besides that.
     
  8. Jordz

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    I'm the same, thought it might be linked but has never been sure.
    Reading the replies on here makes me feel better knowing there is a reason behind it, if you get what I mean :confused:
     
  9. HunterN95

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    I am KIND OF like this. I don't exactly have social ANXIETY, but I am horribly shy. I also think I have low self-esteem, because I sometimes think of myself as fat or think that other people will think that, but I come out to almost everyone I talk to lol :eusa_danc
     
  10. TheTwoOfUs

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    Yep, I like Chip's answer to this one too. I used to have crippling social anxiety. My upper lip shakes when I talk, and I feel like that is all people are looking at. Lol. It's gotten better though, as I've come out to more people. Coming out to family and close friends has helped me feel better about myself as a person, and as a result my anxiety is not as intense.
     
  11. malachite

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    it's not stupid, 90% of people fear public speaking. In fact it's high fear for most then death.

    But since I don't suffer from it, just go with what CHIP said, it makes sense
     
  12. Chip

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    Here's the thing. And this isn't in any way intended to make you uncomfortable.

    Look at the contradictory phrases "I'm really comfortable with my sexuality" and "I think it's the hiding that makes things worse for me."

    If you really were completely comfortable with your sexuality, you'd have no reason to hide it. That's the insidious thing about shame; we often have worked so hard to bury our shame that we can't even see it when we're acting on it.

    Ultimately, shame is about the fear of not belonging. If we are gay, we often feel like we don't "belong" to society in the same way our straight counterparts do. We fear that by coming out, we'll be rejected, that people will "kick us out" of whatever group we belong to, whether it's family, the family's love, friends, etc.

    We ALL have shame, but LGBT people tend to have more of it than the rest. And the first way we address it is by talking about it. The next step is to learn to love ourselves as we are. Coming out is certainly part of that, but just really fully embracing who we are is really important as well.
     
  13. Mike92

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    It makes sense.

    If you don't want anyone to figure out your sexuality and are worried about giving off the ''gay'' vibe, you probably are going to be up tight/nervous in social situations.
     
  14. dano22

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    I totally can relate to problems with social anxiety and it had a lot to do with the homophobic environment I was in and the fear of rejection. I was told I was a loner and unfriendly towards others by several people even teachers when they had no ideal what I was dealing with.
     
  15. Lewis

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    I'm comfortable with it, what worries me is that others won't be. I'd shout it from the rooftops if others would accept me for it. I think a major part of my anxieties stem from school, I got a lot of stick in regards to people thinking that I was gay - mostly due to hanging around with girls at the time, which is pathetic.

    I get nervous about other things like talking to a receptionist at the doctor/dentist, having to sign forms (hate that because I shake like crazy) and exams. I just think it's because I'm scared how people will initially perceive me.
     
  16. Chip

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    But that's just the thing... if you aren't comfortable with others' responses, then you aren't fully comfortable with it. When you are fully comfortable with who you are, then it doesn't matter what others think because you know that's who you are and you don't care what other people think about it.

    Most closeted people use some sort of rationalization as to why they remain closeted, but at the end of the day, the hiding of an important part of who you are goes back to self esteem, worries about being judged, and a fear of "not belonging"... which are the basis for feelings of shame.

    Once you learn to love who you are, then you don't care if others don't agree... much like taking a position on politics or something... you don't care if others disagree with you, because that's your position and you're willing to stand up for it. Same with being gay.