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Basic sex questions

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Zaio, May 25, 2012.

  1. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Hi EC.

    I have been delaying this topic for a while but I suppose it's time I educate myself as I am getting to that age now, after reading a post by Zontar earlier about 1 in 5 gay americans having HIV I got a little shocked, I'm not sure what the percentage is in the UK but it is still very worrying.

    Exactly what is safe sex? I've heard it's safe to swallow semen so long as there are no cuts in your mouth, but that you can get herpes this way. However, if your esophagus is cut somewhere you can't see, there is still a risk.

    My question is generally - What is safe sex and what is the common way to pleasure yourself and your partner during a sexual encounter? Do people actually give blowjobs with condoms on? Surely this drastically reduces the pleasure?

    I've tried looking around but most sex ed posts are for straight people, I haven't found one thread specifically targetting gays :/

    Any help appriciated.

    All the best.
     
  2. Zontar

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    Those are gay men, mind you, not gay Americans (which would include WSW as well as MSM). That's also a CDC statistic, so you'd have to see if the NHS or whoever has collected stats on UK residents. Offhand, I don't know the UK rate, and I don't know if it would be any different.

    But yes, the government isn't "bending" numbers to "make gay men look bad" contrary to what a lot of gay youths I've spoken with seem to believe. This threat is real and you have to take it seriously by knowing how to avoid it. HIV is entirely preventable.

    Sounds about right. There's a bevy of other diseases, varying in fatality from needing antibiotics to causing oral cancer, that you can get this way, but they're all not as likely as unprotected anal sex is.

    My rule of thumb is that oral sex is safe enough to practice with someone you are in a committed relationship with, but if you just picked the guy off the street, you'd probably want to wrap it up. Also personally, because people cheat and of how dangerous the practice is, anal sex does not meet this same standard for me and I would want to use a condom every time.

    Although, depending on how much of a hypochondriac you are, you may want to formulate your own standards. As a rule of thumb, take into account the risk for each practice combined with how much you trust your partner, and never bareback. There's no reason to, and you'll see why below.

    I can't know for sure since I suck (hurr hurr) at getting laid, but safe sex is generally any practice which reduces your chance of contracting an STD. That includes not only wearing a condom but also regulating your behavior as well. You can wear a condom every time, but they do break on occasion, and who would you rather be with when it breaks...someone you trust or someone picked off that god-awful app that shall not be named. Know who you're with, and always make sure they're of a good integrity and character...that makes all the difference in the world when it comes to preventing HIV.

    I don't know about oral sex with condoms, but anal sex with condoms should be no different when you use the right kind, and thus, there's no reason to ever go without them. Even if HIV and HPV were completely eradicated, do you really want fecal bacteria going up your urethra? Wrap it every time, you won't miss anything by not doing so.

    You don't have to be afraid of sex, but gay men are held to a higher standard of safety. There's no way to entirely prevent getting HIV, but practicing safe sex with a partner of good character necessitates an increasingly unlikely chain of events for you to get the disease. Basically, once you're in a committed relationship and following my advice, you'd be more likely to hit the lottery than end up with the disease, even if he did cheat on you and bring it home.
     
    #2 Zontar, May 25, 2012
    Last edited: May 25, 2012
  3. Chip

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    Well, the accurate term is "safer" sex since the only truly *safe* sex is masturbation :slight_smile:

    You can certainly get some STIs, such as gonorrhea and herpes, via oral transmission. And HIV virus can be transmitted orally; however, the risk is thought to be very low. In addition to cuts in your mouth, if you have any gum disease or bleeding gums, that also increases the risk of transmission. Rimming carries some risk as well.

    Anal sex is the highest risk, and it is wise to always, always use condoms for anal sex, simply because no matter how loving and caring your partner is... people cheat, and several of the people I know who are HIV+ became infected by a long-term partner who claimed he was monogamous.

    Also, it's worth noting that someone who has had an HIV test that day, and has a negative result, is not necessarily negative; there's a latency period (14 to 90 days, depending on the test and the individual) where a person can be infected with HIV and still show negative on a test. So even a "clean" test should not be a license to have unsafe sex.

    Finally, one of the best ways to keep yourself safe is to be cautious; if you are hooking up, your risk is going to be higher, because likely those who you are hooking up with also regularly have sex... and the more exposures you have, the more risk you have of becoming infected with something. If you are hooking up, I would personally suggest using condoms even for oral sex, and dental dams for rimming. Best not to hook up at all.

    And if you are going to have sex, it's also wise to have an open and honest conversation. Not just "Are you clean" but "When was the last time you were tested? Where? When before that?" I've found that *many* guys lie about how recently they've been tested, particularly if the wrong answer will keep them from getting sex. And people lie all the time about whether they are HIV+ or not, so that isn't a reliable indicator either. You'll be able to tell -- if you watch -- if the person is being honest with you. It may sound like a dumb thing to do, but it's your life and your health that you're talking about, and *every single person* I know who is HIV+ wishes he'd been a little more cautious and careful when he had the chance.
     
  4. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    Good advice has been given on all counts, so let me just add this tidbit: they make flavored condoms specifically for use during oral sex (because no matter how hot giving head can be, latex tastes terrible to most people). So yes, people do actually give blowjobs with condoms on; there's wouldn't be much of a market for flavored condoms otherwise. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Thanks guys but I'm more focused on oral sex, I am not ready to be on the recieving end of anal sex yet and I have knowledge for the giving side safety-wise.

    Is there any other information I can get about oral sex? As an overall rule of thumb is it safe to swallow semen supposing you have no ulcers/cuts in your mouth? Would you have any idea if there was a cut in your esophagus?

    What precautions should be made in a hook-up at say, a party with a lot of people you don't know?
     
  6. Mogget

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    Penetrative sex (anal, vaginal intercourse, and fellatio) is treated as some exceptionally great form of sex, but the truth is that there are plenty of ways you can be sexual with someone besides penetrative sex. Without getting pornographic, hands can do amazing things, holding someone's naked body against yours feels wonderful, and the mouth can go on all sorts of places besides the penis, vulva, and anus.
     
  7. starfish

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    Not to mention that when you are about to have sex your judgement is not the best either.

    I did something stupid last week. I didn't ask until after we had sex. The reason I didn't ask is that I really wanted to have sex. I knew better, but I wasn't thinking with my right head.

    Now I had been talking with the guy for a few weeks and we had been out for a movie and dinner first. He was very forward and honest. We had previously discussed our sexual histories before we had sex. Which is good, and neither said anything which gave us cause for concern. Still I should have explicitly asked before we had sex. The upside to having some basis of a relationship (in this case just friends) is that I have a reason to trust what he told me.

    So I guess I get half credit for this one.
     
    #7 starfish, May 26, 2012
    Last edited: May 26, 2012
  8. KaraBulut

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    Safer sex is about two things: contact with body fluids and risk reduction.

    When it comes to body fluids (which includes semen), the rule for safer sex is "On me, not in me". A facial is safe. Swallowing isn't. Having a guy shoot on your chest or your back is hot and will reduce the risk for the most common STD these days- chlamydia, as well as others like gonorrhea. If you're blowing someone and you don't know their history, a condom is a reasonable compromise to reduce your risk. If you're in a relationship with someone and you know each other's history enough to be sure, you can consider forgoing the condom and even consider swallowing (although new evidence on HPV is making even these options sketchier).

    Risk reduction is about choosing sex partners. The fewer, the better. The more you know about a potential partner's sexual history, the better off you are. If a guy tells you that he's "clean", say "I'm sure you are" and hand him a condom. Guys will lie to get laid. And a lot them haven't been tested, so they're just speculating about whether they don't have an STD.

    Plan ahead. Buy condoms. Bring them. Use them. Don't think, "Well, we're not going to fuck, so I don't need to bring condoms"- bring them anyway. Check the expiration date, throw them out if they've expired and go buy fresh ones. When you do start bottoming, bring your own condoms unless you know the top very well. Never trust a stranger to top you with condoms of unknown quality.

    Don't chose sex partners when you're fucked up. If you think a guy is hot, he'll be hot when you sober up. If you're drunk, give him your number and make the decision about whether you want to have sex with him when you're sober. Never get so fucked up that you're not sure whether the guy has put on a condom. If it's a stranger, reach down and make sure the condom is on before he puts it in.

    Get tested. If you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to go to the clinic and get an STD test.

    Be realistic. Don't worry about things like toilet seats, cuts on your hands, sores in your mouth, etc. Most people get STDs because they didn't follow the rules above and use safer sex practices. Take charge of your sexual health. Be proactive. Be assertive. Learn to say "No" when sex isn't on your terms.
     
    #8 KaraBulut, May 26, 2012
    Last edited: May 26, 2012
  9. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Thanks but it's not so much the saying no part, more the safer side of oral sex. I can easily and forcefully tell a guy no. I guess your first part of "on me, not in me" is, for the most part, what I need to know, so thanks.

    I think I have all I need now EC but if anyone else wants to contribute please do, as I will still read it, might contain something I'm unsure of.

    All the best.
     
  10. rx79g

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    Okay, so I knew about safer sex and HIV and all of that, but after reading this I would be absolutely terrified to do anything sexual with a guy. How on earth do you get past everything that can go wrong to enjoy yourself?
     
  11. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    I think the only times you would feel terrified to have sex is if you aren't ready for sex yet, but that's just speculation so may not be accurate.

    Another question I have -

    - Is there a way to know when a guy is about to reach climax? You know, other than telling him to tell you or tap you on the shoulder or something. Because while that "on me, not in me" is good advice, what if the guy just simply forgets to tell you and it ends up in you anyway?
     
  12. KaraBulut

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    Most people will tell you that the fear is short-lived once you get in those situations. Thousands of years of evolution have ensured that humans get over any fears once their clothes come off.

    The real problem is something called post-orgasmic remorse. That's why you're better off being realistic and planning ahead.


    How do you know when you're about to come? Probably your muscles tense, your scrotum tightens and you say something like, "Oh my god".

    Or you can tell the guy, "Tell me when you're about to come. I want to see your face when you come." :slight_smile:

    Or you can avoid blowing guys that don't have the courtesy to warn you when they're about to come in your mouth. Although accidents do happen- so if you're not sure, better to use a condom.
     
  13. Atticus

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    I would like to add that even if you do use a condom for oral sex, the latex can irritate the skin on the lips. To avoid this, there are flavored lubricants that can be used and they should eliminate any irritation. I've not tried them because I don't like giving head (actually I am reluctant to participate in anything like "foreplay"), but I believe that they should help you out. If anything, after the fact, you may wish to use a bunch of chapstick to help soothe any irritated skin.

    Or you could use a dental dam which means less irritation from latex rubbing at the corners of your mouth but all the benefits of protection from any STIs or anything of that nature.
     
  14. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Well would you be able to feel the guys muscles tensing to an extent while giving head? I personally have only felt the need to make a noise when reaching climax a couple times due to a few powerful orgasms, but otherwise I don't think they're THAT good that you have to yell something out, so I'm not too sure others would either, however I can understand people doing that when another person is involved as it would give the other guy a confidence and self-esteem boost I guess.

    What if you don't know the guy though? Besides I don't exactly know if all of my male friends tell you before orgasm :lol:
     
  15. KaraBulut

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    There are guys who are stealth comers but most guys do get revved up before they come when they're having sex with other people. So yes, breathing gets faster, the legs tense up, the stomach tenses up, the scrotum retracts and they tend to get more verbal.


    Well, that brings us back to that rule about blowing strangers. Not a good idea if you're worried about STDs.

    The reality is that if a guy is willing to let a stranger blow him, chances are that he's letting a lot of other strangers blow him.
     
  16. Zaio

    Zaio Guest

    Well, about the case of dating someone you don't know for a bit before getting sexual? I'm sure most people do that at least once, what with blind dates n'all.
     
  17. KaraBulut

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    Well, that's what I mentioned about how paranoia about STDs gets forgotten once clothes are removed.

    And that "post-orgasmic remorse" thing.

    But make no mistake- everyone has a choice. They don't just fall into bed by accident.
     
  18. biffy89

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    There is no sure fire safe way to give oral without condoms/dental dams. As mentioned before, they can lessen pleasure, and dental dams, in my opinion, are extremely unattractive. STD's can also be spread through pre-cum as well as semen, there is also less sensation attached to pre-cum, so it's pretty difficult to anticipate.

    I would say if your not willing to take the risk, don't do it "unsheathed", you could just stick to hands or "wet hand jobs". Throw in a few licks and sucks but less then full blown head, and just keep an eye on his Meatus (japs-eye) for fluid.
     
  19. SMiLeitsme

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    I agree with all of these people. I make sure that my partners have been checked recently, as should anyone who is sexually active. If you both come back clean and you and you partner(s) are all clean; go at it however you want. Best wishes. :slight_smile: