Bone Marrow Transplant - Kara please help if possible

I think its ok to ask for money, this man hasn't been apart of your life for so long and now he expects he can just ask you to save his life. You have no other reason to want to save his life by the sounds of it, except that good feeling of being a nice person. It must have been hard growing up without your dad ad he gets away with not having to help pay his child his whole life, i read a while ago it costs like 500k to raise a child, well if thats true then hes saved a lot of money by not having to support you.

 

If you ignore the fact that he's your biological father and doesn't deserve the time of day from you: imagine he were a complete stranger, dying and asking you for help; would you help him?

I'm not in your situation, but I posted previously about my son who was able to forgive the abuse his natural father had dealt out to him as a young child and I KNOW that this has given him great peace.

I worry that you would regret not helping, maybe not now but later in your life, and that will cost YOU even more than your relationship with your father already has.

It could be that you're not a suitable donor - so the swab costs you nothing - but it's only IF you're a match that you have to start asking yourself if you want to follow your father's example and not give a shit, or if you want to break the mould and show him that you are twice the man he ever will be.

These are just my thoughts - what ever you decide, I wish you every success.

 

I think you should forget about the money while considering if you're gonna do it or not. Money is the wrong reason to do this. If you decide to go through with it, you gotta do it because you really want to help this guy, or because you feel like you have to do the 'right' thing. Not for the money.
However, if you do make the decision to do it -- for the right reasons --, I'd take the money. That's not selling your organs.. that's doing something for someone regardless of money, and then receiving something from him as a sign of his gratitude. Nothing wrong with accepting that, if you ask me.

 

You should get tested to find out if you're a match and save you a lot of trouble (if you're not). In case you are, this is what I would do. I would try to find out how he has lived his life, whether he is a nice person or not, how he treats others around him, especially what his stand is on gay rights. Then you can decide if he, let's say, "worth" saving. I know he has been completely out of your life, but let's get to know him more before concluding anything.

And I don't really know your story but isn't it his duty to support you, especially when he's a millionaire?

 

Just because he's your biological father doesn't mean you have to. If he had been a stranger my whole life to me, then I'd treat him as one. Why would I randomly give some stranger I don't know bone marrow?

 

Isn't helping someone to live who might otherwise die - isn't that a good thing?

I always give money to the homeless people outside the supermarket. SOme people say it encourages them, but I like to think that if I needed help or my son or partner, that someone would help me.

As I said, I understand perfectly the anger towards someone who has done nothing to deserve my consideration, despite the fact that they owed ME consideration, but it's too late to change your mind once the guy is dead. He might die with or without the marrow, but at least you won't possibly be haunted by guilt.

 

Bone marrow donation can be done in two ways- if the marrow is needed urgently, it is taken from a large bone- usually the pelvis. We prefer to do it under general anesthesia so that the person doing the donation is not moving during the extraction. The procedure isn't considered major surgery- there's no incision and it usually involves extraction of a moderate amount of marrow with a needle and syringe- much like we do with drawing blood from a vein. There's a bit of soreness for a couple of days but usually you're back to normal in a day or two.

The other procedure- if there is time- involves giving the donor medication to stimulate the bone marrow. Then- in a process similar to blood donation- the stem cells are removed from the blood of the donor. This donation requires no surgery or anesthesia and usually the donor is back to normal activities immediately.


The moral dilemma is another question.

If your father does in fact go through a bone marrow transplant- a procedure that is very risky and a last resort when all else fails- it is no guarantee that he will survive. To put it bluntly, they're going to cut, burn and poison him into near-death and then give him bone marrow that may cure him or kill him. He's in for a pretty rough (and expensive) year ahead.

In cases like this, it comes down to the adage of whether two wrongs make a right. And in a situation where you have to make a difficult decision- which decision is going to give you peace for years to come?

What you have to weigh- assuming you're a good match- is what is the best thing for you? Chances are that giving him a donation is not going to heal the past. But would not giving him marrow give you a future that is any happier?

 

Let me add my opinion here, which you should only take as a personal opinion:

I think that denying him the chance of being cured is selfish and completely wrong. Passive murder? Let's say you are a perfect match and decide not to donate, you are pretty much condemning him to die, when otherwise he could have been saved at least for a while if you choose to go through the procedure.

 

✔

 

And let me add my opinion that I completely disagree. It is your body and no one can decide what to do with it but you! Whatever you choose to do, it's all perfectly fine. If you decide you don't want to donate, then don't. And whatever happens, it is not your fault that he's dying, period. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

 

The dilemma of whether to help or not in the medical context has been a feature point of literature for the past 60 years. There are many stories that parody the situation and each with their own endings.

Yet there is a common theme to them all: That the control and decision making power on anything related to your body is solely up to you. All decisions need to be free of external influence or bias, including things like money, family ties/loyalty, guilt and risk.

The answer starts as a simple yes or no, then you start considering the pros, the cons and the conditions.

 

I know this is personal to you, but this is my view (feel free to ignore it). I am on the bone marrow register and would save the lives of people that I have never met before. I think life is way too precious to disregard.

Remember, he is the reason you're alive in the first place, so I'd probably graciously return the favour if it were me. Ensure to make your own decision though, but just try imagine how you would feel if he were to die, I personally wouldn't be able to live with my actions.

I agree with Jay completely on this matter.

 

By not donating money and medical supplies (and instead buying junk we don't need) to dying men and women and children in 3rd world countries, are we not passively murdering them as well? I don't think anyone should give you a 'holier than thou' attitude if they are likely passively allowing many more individuals to die every second... unless they are living like Jesus.

Anyways, personally, if it is really as mild as KB put it (one to two days of recovery max), then I'd say "why not?" It isn't that much of a hassle to you in that case, so that should definitely make you lean more towards doing it. If it was a major surgery (maybe giving a kidney?), it would need much more consideration...

However, him being your biological father, since he wasn't there for you, I'm not sure what I would consider him. Would I consider him a stranger or part of my family? I'm not sure... if I considered him a stranger, there's probably thousands of people who need bone marrow, and I'm not going out getting tested to see if I can help someone. The only reason you were asked is because of your ties to him. But if you feel like you have none, then idk. But at this point your kind of in a position where you may feel guilty if you just let him die. So, consider that.

Also I don't see anything morally reprehensible about asking for money (but if its illegal don't do it lol). Just my opinion.

 

I think you should use this opportunity to achieve some closure from your father. He's dying; even if you're a perfect match and go through with the transplant, there is no guarantee that he's going to make it. Once he's gone, he's gone. There is no chance for proper closure after he's dead.

Ask him any questions that you need answered. Once you have the answers, give the bone marrow if you're a match, and then decide what to do with what you've learned. Maybe it's a chapter closed in your life and you never see him again until he dies. Or maybe you learn something that you didn't know before about him, and the reason he wasn't there for you.

I moved in with my paternal grandmother some years ago when she had cancer to take care of her. No one else would do it. To put it mildly she wasn't the nicest person on the planet. I stepped up to the plate, but toward the end things went south between us and it was entirely her fault. It all ended with her calling the police and having me escorted from her home.

Suffice it to say, she was an utterly ungrateful bitch. There was a reason no one else wanted to step up to the plate to help her. She had basically alienated everyone she ever knew, multiple times in her life.

As the cancer progressed things got worse and worse; she eventually became completely bed ridden. My father begged me to go back, but I refused. He had to find someone else. When it became clear that she was approaching the end, I kept being asked if I wanted to swing by and say goodbye. I refused; I was resentful and angry. People warned me that I would regret it.

At the time, I didn't think that I would, though looking back I wish I had done things differently. My regret isn't so much based on denying her my presence in her last moments, I had already bent over backward for her for months. My regret was that I stooped to her level, and that I didn't get a proper chance to get some closure. Instead, I allowed my anger to get the better of me; I allowed resentment to control my emotions. That is what I regret.

It's not exactly the same as your situation, but it's something I think you should consider. You don't want to look backward and feel any guilt. Whether he lives or dies, you want to walk away feeling free from him. So, my suggestion is that you get some closure whether or not you're a match.

 

Would you go through with this procedure for a stranger? If so, then do it. He's effectively been a stranger for your whole life.

If you wouldn't go through with it for a stranger, then don't do it.

If you'd go through with it for a stranger but not this man, then you need to consider what it is you're really saying, because it sounds like an act of revenge to me.

 

I completely agree with Chip here. Asking for money in exchange is immoral. Though, I will say this: if you are a match and decide to donate, chances are this will open your father's eyes to just how important you are to him; and may even decide to help you out financially with your education.

Now that KB has weighed in on the procedural and medical aspects of it; I wish you the very best of luck in whatever you decide. It's quite the moral dilemma, and I'm sorry you've been put in this position.