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Help for bad depression...?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Delta, Aug 3, 2012.

  1. Delta

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    To give you my psychiatric history, I've been diagnosed with Major Depression, Dysthymia, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm on an antidepressant and an antipsychotic to keep me generally okay and not doing incredibly stupid things. With my medications, things normally go alright. My dysthymia doesn't taint everything I do, I just have a pessimistic streak that sets my Borderline paranoia into crisis prediction, which then causes a crisis because of my emotional regulation problems, until I calm down and realize everything's okay, and then I'm fine for a week or so until the next time this happens. The crises are of varying degrees of disruptive and difficult, but I can live well enough. I can still be happy and joke and not hurt or kill myself. But every once in a while (less frequently with the antidepressants) I get into a bad bout of Major Depression.

    I just can't be happy... I do things, but there's no joy in them. I do them because it's less bad than just sitting there. I play more video games, but I don't find myself involved or interested, just pressing buttons to make time pass. I can't sleep at night, even before I notice my emotional state. I don't enjoy even roller derby anymore, I go and I work hard, but I don't feel happy. I don't even get an endorphin kick, just blah and blue before, during, and after. I don't even want to post on here, and that takes very little effort. I constantly beat myself up, I don't feel I'm worth anything, I don't want to live. It's like... I'd kill myself if I just had the energy to go to the store and get what I need to do it. I wake up, but I don't generally get out of bed until noon. I don't generally get dressed until late... I try to shop, I try to talk and laugh, I try to think of other things, but I'm just so washed out and tired and unhappy that it's worthless. This has been going on about a week and a half already and is getting worse rather than better...

    I want to force myself to go out and do fun things and change my life so I'm not unhappy anymore (even though nothing at all brought this on or caused it), but I'm just too tired... It's all just too much effort... I know it's been this way before, quite a few times, actually, but I can't remember how to fix it at all.... What do I do...? How do you help yourself when it's really hard work to type up a message asking for help...?
     
  2. Bobbgooduk

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    Hi Kitsune!

    My condition is different, but I too have Blue Days, sometimes I can identify what made me sad, other times I just feel down and can't explain why.

    I think you know already that there are a lot of people on EC who suffer from varying degrees of depression and I think ALL of them will recognize the Blue Days.

    I try to rationalize it by telling myself that, even if I were "normal" with no depression, there would be days in my sickeningly cheerful life when I was a bit down. Maybe I didn't get the promotion I was after, or the apartment I really thought was ideal had been taken already. Even happy people have set-back days.

    I think that WE have set-back days too, on top of our depression, which sucks of course, but it's something we have to allow for.

    When I have a set-back day, my inclination is to withdraw, go to bed, shut out the world with closed curtains and ear-plugs but I try hard to fight against that urge.

    I have a list of things I ADORE doing:

    Walking by water - a river, a lake or, best of all, the sea.

    Walking in a forest - no matter what the weather, I love trees.

    Playing music - I play instruments and I find it massively comforting to concentrate.

    Listening to music - I go out in the car and play music so loud the goose-bumps come up

    Crying - it sounds weird, but I find a good cry a huge release. I have a certain piece of
    music which sets me off every time and I have a good weep.

    Sometimes, I realize I'm a bit down because I'm tired so an early night often clears my blues, but if I know it's not that, then I go to my list and do the one that I really want to do - a bit like being allowed to choose your favourite chocolate out of the box, even if it means going to the second layer. You're worth it!

    (*hug*)
     
    #2 Bobbgooduk, Aug 3, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2012
  3. Delta

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    Thank you for your advice, but this is a lot more than just a blue day or being cranky and withdrawn. This isn't caused by a hardship. This isn't going away. And I do get up and do all the things I love... But they just don't work anymore. Everything is so hard to do. I don't find joy in anything anymore, and that's an incredibly dangerous place for me to be in with my BPD difficulty with emotional regulation and self control. Part of the crisis management for that is to do things I love, to self-soothe, but I don't enjoy anything anymore... It's just too much effort...
     
  4. Mogget

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    What are you doing to manage your problems? Are you seeing a therapist, regularly consulting with your medication provider, attending a support group? I would strongly urge you to talk to your provider about what's going on, and see if a medication adjustment is in order. In the meantime, keep a crisis hotline number on hand and call them before you go into full-blown crisis (assuming you can tell when they're going to come).
     
  5. Bobbgooduk

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    I agree completely with Mogget - you need to go and speak with your doctor again. You may need a change in dosage or a change of medication - we are all so individual and one medication doesn't work for all. AND there are medications whihc work in different ways.My partner had to change medication because his was no longer effective - his body had just grown "used to" it.

    Please go to the doctor and explain - you don't have to suffer in silence - but, as Mogget said, you must not let it slip too far - you need to do it now.(*hug*)
     
  6. Delta

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    I wonder if it's worth going to the doctor, though... Most medicines don't take psychological effect until 2 or three months, and spells of major depression only last a month or so...
     
  7. Mogget

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    The medication, if it works, should be able to prevent the spells of major depression. It will take a while to kick in, yes, but it may be able to help once it has.