I'm moving out to my sister's house tomorrow morning. I'm really nervous about packing and I want to be able to confide in my sister my actual identity, but I'm scared about that. The Internet is just making all of the anxiety I've been harboring so much worse. There have been people telling me that I'm not "trans" enough or that I'm extremely stupid for not having the slightest clue about men's clothes (I was not born with this fucking information, so excuse me for not knowing exactly what clothes look good on me and how to fucking find my leg length as I'm only 5'4"). I've been wanting to express my gender more accurately lately, more than just my shirts and my hair. I've wanted to try pants but everyone stares at me and I've got social anxiety disorder. It's so crippling that just walking into Wal Mart and having people ask me what gender I am makes it very hard for me to try on clothes without having a panic attack. My depression has been swallowing me up lately, but I've been trying so hard to fight it. It's just so hard. It's so heavy. I'm currently not on any medication, but about a year ago I was taking Celexa. I currently cannot afford any medications as my dog needs glucasomine shots and I now have to pay rent. My weight is making my depression worse and my weight keeps me in this rut. I can't get up and exercise if I'm drowning in this shit. I'll be starting therapy again soon, but I need to know about how to deal with all of this. I have stress balls. I have journals. I have painting. How do I make my head work enough that I can get through a trip to the store or to the gym? How do I get out of this hole? I'm afraid that I've just been digging it deeper all this summer. I haven't been hearing my own name, which is really disconcerting for me. I've been feeling like I am going to puke for three days now. This can't go on.
Don't focus on big goals, but on small ones. At the height of my depression, simply getting out of bed and showering was a major victory. Eating a proper meal was a victory. Slowly, I began doing things like walking around the block. Small things, small steps. They build up as you go.
I've got a few small goals in mind, but unfortunately it is so hard to focus on those instead of the more pressing giant ones. Any tips to redirect my thoughts to the more pertinent (and infinitely more possible) small goals?
First of all, I wish I was there. 8| Maybe then I could take you out shopping and guard you, heh. It makes me sad that other trans people feel scared to go out and really get into finding themselves, especially clothes-wise. Clothing is a such a basic need. Secondly... Axe going to the gym, and buy yourself an at-home program instead, like an exercise DVD. The Insanity program has great CDs and doesn't require ANY gym equipment: Insanity Workout - Extreme Home Workout DVD - Insanity Workout Reviews - beachbody.com I say, get it and do what you can do... then stop, and either continue later, or work up to it. You don't NEED a gym; it's expensive, most people don't use them even after they buy a membership, and it can be awkward. Maybe a small exercise goal could be to get up in the morning, and do a few stretches? Maybe toss a few crunches in there, or a little bit of light yoga? Maybe a good nutrition goal would be to eat a piece of fruit one a day, every day? Or to drink at least eight (8oz) cups of water a day (two liters)? If you need or want someone to talk to, you can message me. Trans myself, and I've been where you are... It sucks, but you can make it.
First of all, as far as anxiety and depression go, you aren't alone. I have dealt with panic disorder and agoraphobia forever. It was a steep learning curve, but I have learned to deal with both. I literally used to go into a panic attack when a solicitor would knock on my door. I'd hide in the bathroom until he left, just fearing opening the front door. Now I have the courage to tell each one to f**k off (as politely as possible of course). The fact that you know who you are is frankly remarkable. A lot of people haven't reached that point yet. You are right on that you should focus on the small goals first. Just go outside and walk around as who you are, even of it's for 5 minutes in the middle of the night. That's a huge five minutes! That's five minutes of being you! That 5 will turn into 10, then 20, then soon, well, let your imagination wander... As far as exercise, I'm really uptight about my body. I zero in on things that most people probably don't even notice (like a fat gut, flabby chest or just general insecurity). But dammit I'm going to the gym anyway, I'm going to continue working to become who I want to be, regardless of what others think. Just do something active, to get those endorphins going (from jogging in place at home to whatever). Like any American, I want the end results NOW, but I'm slowly learning that that's not the way the world works. It sounds cliche, but just keep moving, keep doing things that are important to you. Action, no matter how small, makes a huge impact on your self esteem. I guarantee you'll get there and feel free to PM any time. Although I am not going through what you are, I can always offer advice (whether you really want it or not )
Heya. First of all - I admire you for being so strong to go through that phase of questioning your gender and finding out who you really are. That is truly amazing. Just so you know about my background- last november I got a huge mental breakdown an I have been dealing with EXTREME depression since. I had the case of not being able to get out of bed, crying like 50% of the day, couldnt get out of the house without just breaking down and I had suicide thoughts quite frequently. Really nice hehe... But! Im okay now. So what you need to keep in mind AT ALL times is that this, how you are feeling, is temporary. No matter how unlikely that fact sounds. You will get through this and you will be a stronger person afterwards. As for small steps- thats right. I myself made goals for every day. I would say "Today Im going to do one useful thing." then after that got easier I moved on to two things per day and so on. Exercise. Its a pain in the ass when you have depression. I am a professional athlete so this is my field of knowledge... I couldnt train from november to april. It was just too hard. I was too tired. I could not run a mile. So dont worry if you feel like you want to lie down and cry when you try to excersise In that field you also need baby steps and to do something you enjoy doing. Playing games, running, walking, whatever you can find any joy in. As for diet its really important and but not as hard to change little things as you might think. If you want advise on how to start making small changes feel free to contact me. I have a lot of experience with working with nutritionists I really hope you get better soon. Remember - it takes a fighter like you to get through this. You are doing a really good job! Take care
