Bi-Trans-Intersex/GenderQueer-Genderless/Cross Dresser/Mentally Ill?

I’ve been thinking about some stuff lately. This is something that I’ve thought about briefly over the years, never bothered to linger on it because I thought it was just me being strange. However, now that I’m more educated, I want to delve more into these thoughts.

Alright, so confession time. I created another me. His name is Sven. My friend, who is a girl, also created another her (that’s just something we do, she’s an RPG writer, I’m an author) but her person was female. When talking about our alter people, I did not tell her that Sven was a boy. She assumed Sven was a girl and I let her believe it. I told her Sven is an androgynous girl, who dresses like a punky skater boy. Really, Sven is a punky skater boy. I want to be Sven. That’s what I’m drawing to. The more I think about him, the more I want to be him. All my life, a part of me has always wanted to be him. There have been times in the past where I have wanted to be a boy, but not to the extent of wanting a sex change. I just wanted to dress in boys clothes sometimes. Even now, I sometimes have these strong urges to completely mask my female parts, act like a guy, and go out wanting to be mistaken for a boy. Times when I dress boyish or if I can’t, I at least act boyish as I can, I always deepen my voice. Not obviously so, but I do speak a little lower than usual and my mannerisms are more stereotypically male. Also, for a little over a week, when I was 14, I trained myself how to pee standing up and I loved it. My clitoris (if this part is uncomfortable talk, then I’m sorry. You can skip ahead if you want), is shaped like a little penis. I mean it actually sticks out of the folds and looks like a little model of a willy with its weird pointy end and it has the curve of a sac behind it, all sticking out slightly. I wish I could draw it for you. Anyway, that’s how I knew that if I just positioned it right, I could successfully piss standing up. I did and I was proud. (!)

NOW, with thoughts like these that occurred every once in a while, one would think “okay, transgender.” But, there are also other times when I like or rather, I want to be a more female me. (I’m 5’ 0” and chubby, not very girly looking in the pretty sense. I even have man side burns—which I love. However, my bust is a 36I and I still have hips and a round face, so I’m not very male looking either.) Anyway, there are times where just as strongly as I want to be Sven, I want to be this curvaceous longhaired wily temptress of a woman—named Vixie, by the by. At those times, I would like to show my legs in a pretty skirt, accentuate my hips and boobs, have people look at me like “Damn, she’s gorgeous!” I dream about it, just as much as I dream about being Sven.

With the anatomy aspect of it—I don’t hate my female parts…all the time. When I want to Sven, hell yes I hate them, the top especially. My breasts are too large to hide, my hips and thighs are big and round. When I wear boys clothes, I look like a slightly wide, yet tiny (because I’m short as hell) girl awkwardly swimming in boys wear, not the cool, lean-muscular, at least 5’ 8” Sven. I even recall a time where my Mom told me she may be able to get me a breast reduction and I was sooo fucking excited! Then a day later, she said her insurance wouldn’t cover it or something, so I couldn’t have it and I cried hard, right there on the phone with her. I didn’t even mean to do that. I didn’t realize it meant that much to me, but it was really devastating. When I thought I was getting my boobs reduced, my train of thought was that they were going to get all the way down to an A or B, so that I can look better in boys clothes. I wanted that so bad! Yeah, I would look better in girls clothes, too, but I wanted this so that I could finally pull off the andro look I wanted. On the other anatomy: I don’t hate my vagina at all, not even when I want to be Sven which is even more confusing. I, in no way, want a penis. I mean, I don’t like my menzies, but what woman does? :lol: I plan on using my inner woman machinery to bare and birth children. I look forward to it.

Sometimes I envision myself as the lady of my future relationship being rocker pin up girl, homemaker-esque dress wearing, Motherly type, then other times I picture myself being more Fatherly, broad shouldered, punkish, jeans and T-shit wearing, and of course man-child like. Oh and that’s another thing, even though I picture myself either way, I don’t mind calling myself a man-child. I never change it to “woman child” even if I picture myself being very wife and lady like.

I haven’t told anyone about these thoughts to this extent. I only tell my friend that I want to be androgynous. I don’t even like it when people spell my nickname (Ronny) with an “i.e.” instead of a “y.” They give me strange looks when I tell them to spell it with a “y.” I know it’s the boys way of spelling it and that’s how I like it. So, sometimes I wonder if it’s more than me just wanting to be androgynous. Maybe part of me really wants to be a boy. Mind you, I tend to over think, so it could just be that and I’m racking my brain for no reason. Still, it doesn’t hurt to examine a little closely.

So let’s review:
In a nutshell, I feel genderless at the moment. Just a bag of oddly figured flesh and bone. Sometimes it’s a good feeling, sometimes bad. When it’s good, I think of myself as a canvas that I can paint any picture I want on. Sadly though, I’m not able to paint myself as a hot girl or a handsome guy. I’m stuck in this painful, confusing middle, when really all I want is the ability to be…both.

I don’t like my chest. I want to be rid of it more than any other body part. I want to be taller. I love having guy side burns. I love shaving like a guy. I never shave in disgust of my manly placed hairs. I just shave because I want to be a hairless, lean muscled pretty boy, if you will. (Think Eric from True Blood’s muscles instead of Alcede’s big buff self, :lol I love boy clothes and wish I had a manlier body to show them off with. My clitoris is shaped like a miniature model of a penis and I don’t mind it. One dream is to drag out in head to toe skater boy garb and be mistaken (perhaps by a lovely lady) as a cute boy and I would most likely tell her my name is Sven. To be Sven for at least a day would just be awesome. And I’m always picking out actors who I would love to look like if I were a guy.

On the other hand, I like my vagina. I do not want a penis. I want to be pregnant, give birth, that whole bit. If my boobs were smaller (maybe not necessarily an A or a B, but less than a fucking I), I was a little taller-not as tall as Sven, and generally wasn’t overweight, I would love to wear clothes that accented my female body. My hair is short and choppy now, but I wish it was long, all the way down my back and was luxurious and silky like the women in shampoo commercials’ hair. Just like I love baggy boy pants and semi tight shirts (to show off my lean man muscles a little), I also love skirts (mini and long), blouses, girl T-shirts, heels, boots (heeled boots, gah!), corsets, and hats. They all make me eek! Not much of a makeup person, but I like eye liner, nail polish, lip gloss…well chap stick that puts a shine to my lips (lip gloss is too sticky.) Basically, I want to be Vixie the bombshell! (Or Veronica, Victoria, it varies from time to time.)

I can pee standing up, but I don’t mind peeing sitting down. I deepen my voice sometimes, I make it higher other times. Sven may be a boy…but he has a vagina because I don’t want a penis, but he has no uterus, ovaries, menzies in the like. Weird right?

A great potential project I want to do is take some pictures as Vixie and take some as Sven, feature them separately, then photoshop them together in couple like poses. I bet they make the most good looking couple.

The thing I find oddest about this whole thing is that a general conclusion is: I’m not happy being Ronny. Ronny is blank. The ugly, awkwardly genderless oddly shaped person stuck in between two gorgeous different gendered people.

So…what’s wrong with me? Am I cross dresser? Am I genderqueer? Not sure what it is, but I’ve seen it around here a lot. Am I some kind of Bi-Trans or genderbi person for wanting to be both? Am I maybe a little intersex or biologically androgynous on account of my willy shaped clit and manly side burns and no one knew? Or does this have little to nothing to do with gender at all, since it’s not only different genders I’m talking about, but different people. Do I appear to have some kind of personality disorder all around for wanting to be Sven or Vixie, but never Ronny as a girl or boy?

I know I need therapy, but as usual I must write everything out first and examine it myself. I don’t sleep much or go out, so may as well since I have the time. Anything you can tell me would be great. I love a good theory. If this is just too confusing, I’ll wait for a therapist. You’ve all been great. Thanks.

 

no one can answer what you are, you have to figure it out yourself.

you could just be questioning. or something else. whatever it is you are though right now it doesnt matter. you dont have to label yourself right away, you dont even have to label yourself anyway.

that being said though, it doesnt seem like you are trans because trans folk hate the body they are born with e.t.c.

none of this prob helped but yah lol.

 

Thanks you all! (*hug*)

This really does give me some kind of perspective. As far as I knew the only gender related thing out there was trans, but I never felt like I quite fit that description to a T. So it's nice to know that there's a broad spectrum when it comes to gender dysphoria, not just "one or the other."

I will defintely take your advice, thecat06 and try living as both whenever the mood strikes me. I'm going to worry less about the more serious labels and meanings behind it all and just play pretend. Tomorrow in fact, I'm going out with a friend dressed as Sven and I'm just going to be him for a day. Fuck it.

Hey J Snow! Question about trans support group, how did you find one? Was it put together by your therapist or did you have to search it out on your own?