Tough Orgasms

I assume that you are not married anymore?

If so, then yes, over time if you take steps to accept yourself the guilt will begin to fade.

It takes time, I felt guilty from when I was about 10 to about now, And I still deal with some guilt issues a bit.

Rome was not built in a day ya know?

So, yes, over time, if you allow it, you will not feel guilty.

 

The biggest sex organ in the human body is the brain. It's also the most temperamental.

After 30 years of marriage, you will have some issues that you will need to work through before you're able to go into any sexual relationship with a man- least of which is resolving open issues with your wife.

 

Welcome to EC, Stevie!

I can't tell if you're still married or not, I'm guessing you are since you said "have been married" and not "was married." Clarifying that would help my answer, but I'll give it a shot anyway.

Until last February, I was married for 35 years. For many of those years I regretfully had anonymous sexual encounters with men in public restrooms and adult bookstores. Until they became the norm, I felt extremely guilty once the encounter ended, but was very horny during them. As the years wore on, the guilt was still there but I had numbed myself to it. I could no longer get erections for my ex without medication and often couldn't get them with men either. It all just felt so empty.

During all those years, I only went to bed with two men. Being in bed with them was an incredibly different experience than anything I'd ever had with my ex or at the bookstore. Guilt, however, still affected my ability to sustain an erection.

I was faithful to my ex for the final 3 1/2 years of our marriage as I denied my orientation and struggled to hold on to the life I had built. Since by that time she knew I'd been with men, and although we worked hard in counseling, our sex was never good because neither one of us could get the thought of me being with men out of our heads. I finally admitted to her, and myself, that I was gay and our marriage ended.

Now, after 9 months on my own, I am proud to say I have not returned to frequent, anonymous bookstore sex! I have had sexual encounters with a few men, but knew all of them for a period of time before spending the night together. I have to say, experiencing guilt-free sex has been amazing! I don't have negative thoughts conflicting with the postive ones and that feels great! Now, since I'm 56, I can't say I don't sometimes lose my erection when the action isn't intense, but I don't worry about it (as much) because I know that having it is no longer the most important thing in having a sensual experiece. That takes the pressure off and I can just relax and enjoy everything else. As long as I communicate to my partner that I'm thoroughly enjoying myself, then he doesn't have to feel the pressure to keep my hard and can just enjoy himself too.

I don't know if this answer helps or not, Stevie, I hope so. If you are still married, the guilt may remain until you resolve that situation. It depends on how openly you communicate with your wife and how accepting she is of you being with men. If you are no longer married, then as soon as you can let go of your past guilt, you will enjoy all the benefits of the gay sexual experience, whether you have an erection or not!

Best of luck!

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I don't think this is weird at all, Stevie! I hope to get to that place with my ex as well. She has attended a couple family events on my side, but I don't think I'll ever be welcome at her family's events - which is fine with me. My ex mother-in-law, the devoutest of Catholics, has not accepted my orientation or our divorce.

I will caution you, though, that there may be a time when it doesn't seem possible. My ex needs her space to establish a new life and new relationships. She was in the process of preparing to let go of me during the three years we tried to make it work. At some point in our relationship, she became more like a sister to me than a wife and lover. As a result, after our divorce, my love for her remained unchanged and hers had to make a transition. During her withdrawal, I felt abandoned because I thought her love for me would remain constant. She does love me, but more as a brother now, but it was incredibly hard for me when she became intimate with another man - a lot of residual insecurities reared their ugly heads on my part.

Maybe it will be better for you since you've been apart for a few years. As before, I wish you the best. I know how difficult it is to come out to your children. Expect them to be on a roller coaster too.

I'm hopeful that we can spend holidays and birthdays as a family, but a new relationship for either of us could change that prospect. Open communication (and possibly counseling) is the key to building whatever kind of life you both want - individually or as a family. Our counselor told us, "there are no rules." Make it what you all want!

If you want to write on my wall sometime, or friend me, that would be great. We have a lot in common and I'll do whatever I can to smooth your road!

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