I've lost about 15 pounds in the last several months, which takes me down from 135 to 120. I'm not quite 5'6", so 115 is about the bottom of my BMI. I hadn't weighed less than 125 since I was still growing. I'm taking supplements to lose more weight. I wander around the grocery store, and them come out with just a few fruits. I've stopped buying any grain-based products, or things high in sugar. I feel incredibly guilty if I eat any of those. If anything says more than a hundred calories on the label I feel guilty eating it. I don't tell anybody any of this, and will lie about how much I've eaten or what exactly is in the pills I'm taking. I evaluate people by weight and the items in their shopping carts, and I hate myself when I realize I'm doing it. I was raised in a household of fairly fit people who NEVER TALKED ABOUT WEIGHT. It was like a taboo subject. We never had a scale, mom thought that was bad for our self-images. My little sister and I both used to sneak into grandma's bathroom to weigh ourselves (we didn't know we both did it until years later). Saying that you wanted to lose weight at all was a no-go. You had to say you wanted to "get in better shape" I was probably always the heaviest proportionally of my sisters, although my twin weighed more she's about half a foot taller. My little sister used to go on about how skinny I was. She didn't realize that I'd learned to hold my stomach in at all times. Both of my sisters have been too skinny, and have not eaten enough to achieve that. My little one has gained some weight now. My twin and I, however, both feel a bit competitive about it. Not in a "I'm going to be thinner than you" kind of way, more in a "I'm jealous of how you look, I want to be skinny too" kind of way. She's probably about 128-130 right now, and she's six feet tall. Yes, I'm jealous. I have a naturally round face that shows more defined cheek bones the more weight I lose. It's not just my belly and any cellulite--the more weight I lose the prettier my face gets. And I am vain. I also want to look more androgynous, and a skinny person is much more so than one carrying extra weight. Blah blah blah. My question was, is there something wrong with me? Is dieting wrong? My mom (who's pretty slim herself) thinks it is, unless one is actually obese. I'm still healthy weight, that's not a problem. It's my thought patterns that scare me.
Hello Bree, It sounds very probable to me that you are suffering from an eating disorder. The behaviors and thought patterns you've described---fear of eating "unhealthy" foods, feeling guilty when you do eat them, seeking out low-calorie foods, feeling more beautiful as you lose weight, taking weight loss supplements---are quite commonly associated with EDs. The fact that your sisters engage in similar behaviors is yet another indicator since there is a specific set of genes which predisposes people to eating disorders. Your vision of an anorexic might be of someone who subsists on 100 calories of celery per day, but whether you starve yourself at 100 calories a day or 1500, the outcome will be the same---you're only starving yourself more slowly in the latter case. Even if you're technically still at a "healthy" weight, it is not a weight that is healthy for your body if it's not the weight you maintain at when you eat normally without thinking about it. Your mother is quite correct that dieting, especially if you're under the age of 25, is unhealthy without a pressing medical reason. Contrary to most perceptions these days, your body is not a house that you can renovate to the weight you see fit: there's a very particular range that it's happy with and functions best at. If you restrict food intake, your body will suffer from the lack of energy. When you don't give it enough food, it doesn't just draw from adipose tissue (fat) for energy: it breaks down your bones, muscles, and heart as well. The good news is that all this damage is reversible. I'm glad that you've caught yourself early before you dove too deep into the ED hole. Clinical guidelines for females under 25 recovering from eating disorders stipulate that they eat 3000 calories per day at a minimum with no exercise. That seems like a lot, but remember, you're eating for (1) your daily energy needs, (2) weight gain to return your body to its set point, and (3) repairing damage done to organs. But the food is only part of the battle. You should also consult a therapist who specializes in eating disorders so that you can begin to challenge the ED anxieties and regularize your eating patterns. I would highly recommend that you talk to your mother about this as well, because it seems like she would be an excellent source of support. (*hug*) I've also suffered from an eating disorder, so I know how tough it is working through this. Let me know if I can help you in any way.
