I have therapy appointments every Tuesday. I meet with this man who helps me come to terms with who and what I am. Every Tuesday, like clockwork, I travel two hours into the city to meet him but I totally forgot today was Tuesday (as I had thought it was Monday) and I missed it. I FELT HORRIBLE. I’ve been beating myself up about it because I wasted his time and let him down and I keep beating myself up about it over and over and over again. Now, he hates it when I apologize for EVERYTHING (which I do), so I know he’d be mad at me for feeling so bad now- he said it was okay that I missed the appointment (I don’t believe him) but I feel like I failed him and I can’t stop beating myself up about it. So, I ask you, do you ever beat up on yourself like I do EVERYDAY? He’s helping me to not be so hard on myself but it’s hard. What do you do to not beat up on yourself so much? I feel like I am sick. As one friend told me, I suffer from "the disease to ‘please’”, which is true. How can I “cure” myself? Help, please :help:
I've had lots of experience beating myself up as you've been doing; let me tell you how I broke those thought patterns. The first thing is to realize that whatever mistakes you've made are in the past and can't be changed. When you agonize over what you've done, you neglect the present moment, which is really the only thing that you can do anything with. Channel that frantic energy to please towards constructively learning from your mistakes: when you beat yourself up, you only take time away from more productive pursuits. The other thing is to realize that this need to put yourself through a mental meat ####### comes from a perverted sense of justice. You tell yourself that you have made an awful mistake and so you must :icon_twispay!!!.:icon_twis Instead of mentally flogging yourself as a form of redemption, forgive yourself. Now, forgiveness certainly involves acknowledging that you have done something which requires forgiveness, but take any lesson that you can from what's happened, love yourself anyway, and move on. In this case, I think the only actions that were merited were apologizing (once!!!) to the man you've been meeting with and being more mindful in the future about the fact that it's Tuesday :icon_wink Trust other people when they tell you that you don't need to apologize all over yourself. Trust them that you don't need to maintain this vision of yourself where you need to be constantly justifying, defending, and pleasing. (*hug*)
The second you said “perverted sense of justice” the bells and whistles were going on LOUD and CLEAR! You’re so right! OMGsh, Thank you so much You make so much sense. It just hurts that I’m it’s like I’m an old dog who can’t learn new tricks so it’s hard to start learning to not be so hard on myself but I KNOW I gotta start. Thank you Any more advice ECers?
You forget a meeting because you're out of your zone today... it's not like he has to drive few hours to come to you... give yourself a break and 1) make sure to go to meeting next week, and 2) if you can't make it, call/text/whatever ahead of time
I know you’re right but it’s so hard to start changing. I want it to happen immediately but I know it’s a long journey. Thanks. Keep it coming guys! The more advice I can pack in my life arsenal the better!
One thing I've found that helps me is to try to think about what I did right and not just what I did wrong (say, not getting as much homework done over the weekend as I intended). Yes, I should have done more. Yes, I will pay for it during the week. However, will beating myself up over it make the work go away? No. All it does is drain me of the will to do anything. Instead, I focus on what I did accomplish, like going to the store or doing laundry. In your situation, you could, for example, acknowledge that while you did miss the meeting, you did contact him and apologize rather than ignoring it until you see him next.
While I don't have a simple answer or cure for you I'll tell you the truth. We're people...we screw up....it's what we do. Don't judge yourself based on circumstances beyond your control. Just make the best decision you can based on the information and experience you have, it's really all you CAN do.
That’s what I’ve been thinking. I’ve been chastising myself for a mistake but it’s shouldn’t feel like the end of the world for me. What scares me is that this tiny thing is making me feel so terrible, what happens when something huge happens. I have anxiety attacks because of this. But I gotta take this one day at a time. Thanks
Im do this SOOO MUCH. Its pretty much a default when Im under any stress or conflict. If I get stressed out, the name calling and yelling at myself turns into hitting myself upside the head, so "literally beating myself up". I honestly think for me its a coping mechanism from when I was a kid. I was continuously verbally abused by my father. I cant count the number of times he told me I was stupid and would never amount to anything. He would do this for the dumbest reasons too. For example when I was 6 YEARS OLD he tried to teach me ALGEBRA. And when I couldnt learn it, he yelled at me continuously for hours on end. So when I get stressed its a default for me to insult myself because I think somehow it will keep the peace. Only now it has the opposite effect. And you know what the worst thing is? Beating yourself up for beating yourself up:eek:
Gosh! This reminds me so much of myself when I was younger. My experience is that the opposite of shame and guilt is connection. This is perhaps counterintuitive, but talking to someone about things that makes us feel like that actually helps. And it helps a lot.... So I would suggest that you talk to your therapist the next time you see him, and explore your feelings about missing your appointment.
