Feelings of looming dread, failure and incompetence

So I'm conscious of the fact that I've gained a substantial amount of weight since college, and that it's hurting my self-esteem, my confidence, my energy levels and my health.


My parents today made the situation seem ever more dire.. They were both yelling loudly in my ear, loosely tugging at my shirt collar and giving a spiel at the top of their lungs about how I might die in a few years if I don't take things under control, and that I'll become like my morbidly obese aunt and won't be able to reverse the situation after a critical point. And that they would like to think I still have a sense of willpower, but that they don't have reason to think so since I've abandoned caring for my health and weight.


It's hard to draw encouragement from this kind of neurotic, russian-jewish approach. But I hate myself and where I'm at, and really want to look the same as I was at age 17-22, but OMG it's SO hard.. :tears::tears::tears::bang: My head starts spinning if I restrict my calories to 1,500/per day, and my joints feel stiff and hurt if I'm running on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes... And I no longer feel as bold to do weights, because I start obsessing what other people in the gym (especially the toned guys) might think of me, although these fears are dumb and unwarranted. :eusa_doh:



When I was younger, it was so much easier to stay on a fixed diet without feeling hunger pangs and nauseating spasms in my stomach and head.

I cry at night thinking that when I was fit and thin during those years that I was deeply closeted, I couldn't get any action or relationships because of my cowardice at that time. But now the main factor precluding my ability to forge new friendships and a relationship is my wretched ugliness, even though I've become mostly open and comfortable with my sexuality. It's as if the scenario has flipped itself, leaving my just as miserable as that earlier stage in life.

I guess what I'm asking for is for your polite, and gentle encouragement, just so that I don't feel I'm being prodded solely by my own bruised ego and my parents' galling neurosis. I'd like EmptyClosets to be there with me on my journey back to body-normalcy.


Thanks.

---------- Post added 16th Nov 2012 at 09:56 PM ----------

It's just become SO fucking difficult to maintain a normal weight. 4-5 or 6 years ago this was nearly effortles,s and I'd see results within a few months. Even at age 21 it felt much easier. Now I have to put in a monstrously unreasonable amount of effort, pain and self-restriction for exponentially smaller and lower yields in improvement. What will it be like when I'm 30 or 40? Will I just become a ghastly ball of lard worthy only of incineration/ conversion into bars of soap?

 

My sleep schedule is certainly off-kilter, and that's due to me doing a sit-at-home job (or more aptly, an internship) for someone else who checks my work weekly. It provides invaluable experience and training to the career I'd like to eventually pursue (paralegal or lawyer), but part of me wishes I could just dump this right now and go for a paid job at Costco pulling carts.. At least that's not sedentary and involves movement, and I'd finally have the means of earning my own cash for the first time in a year.

---------- Post added 16th Nov 2012 at 10:09 PM ----------

Diet is mixed. What I've noticed is that for many years that I kept my weight low, a low-carb diet worked and felt me feeling satisfied. Now I feel crazy and out of my skin if I'm denied bread or even whole-grains in large amounts. What happened? Could this be a precursor to diabetes or some malignant hormonal imbalance?

 

I'm thinking of getting on Nutri-System (so that I dont have to count calories on my own behalf) and also getting a prescription for Qsymia or Belviq.. Because I feel that the hunger pangs and nausea I feel is beyond simple "willpower." I need an aid to my fitness regimen, otherwise I'm just going to be eating like a hog continuously.

 

I do drink alot of water actually, but I always wake up feeling super thirsty. And this further hampers my ability do exercise on an empty stomach, because it takes a while for me to feel hydrated before I can do physical exertion.

 

Well what I mean is the morning.. Yes, I could eat something light first. But the point is that the morning is the most optimal time for exercise, and it takes time to be hydrated.