So Basically it is as the post says. Whenever my new boyfriend and I have sex I cannot get an erection. Most of the time I'll get semi-hard at the beginning before he penetrates me and then just lose it after that. I know this may not seem like and issue since I'm the bottom 99% of the time, but I like to bust a nut too even if i don't top LOL. Not to mention today I wanted to top and he was going to let me and I just couldn't get hard. Thankfully he's a sweet guy cause he totally consoled me when he saw i was disappointed in myself and upset. There are a number of conclusions I've drawn as to why I cant get an erection. 1. First and foremost we haven't really been together all that long (a little over a month now) and he actually asked me out very quickly. We hadn't even hung out very much when he asked me out, and even though I REALLY wanted to just take it slow, I couldn't help but say yes (really need to learn how to say no). I'm thinking maybe emotionally I'm just not there yet? Although I've had one night stands a few times in the past(don't judge me lol) and I'd be hard as a rock whether i was the top or the bottom. 2. Second I definitely find him attractive, but he doesn't really prefer to do a lot of making out/body contact/groping/ all that good foreplay stuff I absolutely love. Which is another reason I think I might not be getting an erection. Not to mention when I'm the bottom he doesn't make an effort to reciprocate in any possible way. Although he is always very affectionate and sweet after sex I have my needs too lol 3. Third I'm actually worried that my sexual escapades and occasional hookups in the past may have ruined me? Like made me less aroused for sex because I've done it with too many people(which i honestly haven't done much when compared to a lot of others) but honestly I'm a very sexual being. I love sex and making love so much that sometimes I feel like i desire it too much but i don't enjoy hooking up just because when its over i feel so empty like as soon as i cum and the lustful adrenaline is gone I'm just like "why did i do this?" 4. Another reason, that I feel guilty for is that I actually cheated on my boyfriend with an ex, and with this ex i had absolutely no trouble getting an erection (in fact I feel like with him I've never been harder in my entire life). The ex I speak of I broke up with over a year ago and it was a mutual break up not a bad/messy one. We also were friends with benefits for quite some time afterwards and he honestly gave me the best sex of my life (so far). I honestly don't think i have feeling for this ex anymore because we hardly get along he irritates the hell outta me sometimes. But i feel like maybe I've almost been spoiled by good sex for so long or I'm so used to fooling around with my ex that I'm too used to my ex, and not used to someone new? Not to say that my boyfriend is bad in bed just different from the ex. 5. Also starting in October I began taking Celexa for my anxiety which totally destroyed my libido (sex drive) and made it impossible to even get an erection whether i was having sex with someone or trying to jack off. I mean my sex drive went from literally horny everyday to the very thought of even masturbating as depressing and a chore. But i talked to my doctor about this and began taking Pristiq which I started a month ago. I'm horny again like I used to be but I just can't get a full on boner with my boyfriend. I'm sorry if this is TMI or literally just too much to read. I don't even know if I'm posting this in the correct place, but any advice or comments of any kind, if helpful and not judgmental, would be SO welcome.
One question....now that you started taking Pristiq....do you get hard enough to masturbate by yourself?
Sounds like #3 may be the core issue. Lots of people underestimate how powerful foreplay can be. I know my body responds much better if foreplay was involved than if it wasn't.
I would write a long paragraph about what it could be, but it seems you've done that for us! ;P I think it is a mixture of everything you've listed. Alone each one may not be too big of a deal, but they all build upon each other. I'd say you can maybe lay off the sex for a little while, get to know each other a lot more on a deeper level, then try sex again after that. Doing this would probably help with 1-4 (he may want to start having more foreplay if you guys become more into each other). But if he still doesn't do much foreplay after that I'd say you guys should talk, just tell him that is your favorite part and ask if you can do it more. Hopefully you'll be having erections in no time!
So, to recap: You prefer a lot of foreplay and foreplay helps you get revved up for sex. You and this guy didn't know each other very well before you started having sex. When you bottom with this relatively new guy, you lose your erection. You don't have problems when you're by yourself (I'm not sure on this point?) but it's a problem when you're with you boyfriend. You're on anti-depressants. Here's the thing: if you're old enough to be having sex, you're old enough to talk to your sex partners about what you need from them. Don't do it during sex. Don't present it as criticism. Instead, when you're making out, tell him how much it turns you on and how much you like it. If things are moving too fast, slow things down and speak up about what you want. If being subtle doesn't get the message across, say it plainly: "I really like it when you ___". Another thing that people don't tell you: bottoms don't have to stay hard during sex. If you're enjoying it and it feels good, it doesn't matter whether you're hard or not. About 50% of guys who take antidepressants have problems with libido, erections and ejaculation. It sounds like the meds may be playing a role in the problems that you're having. Have a talk with your doctor- it may be a matter of changing dosage or changing meds.
@inthedark4eva yes after starting pristiq i do get hard when i masturbate by myself so i guess medication isn't the issue. @confuzzled82 that's actually the one i was leaning more towards myself. There was just so much bothering me I wasn't sure so i listed everything haha @Jon56 Yeah you'd think but honestly with his job he works crazy hours I barely get to see him. And when I do he doesn't really make a notable effort to understand me? i think that's the right way to put it. Hes very sweet and affectionate. hes a good dude hes just odd lol. Almost like he shys away from a deep connection but other than that nothing hes done has lead me to this conclusion other than my thoughts and intuition. ---------- Post added 2nd Dec 2012 at 11:03 PM ---------- Yes that's all correct. No when im by myself there's no issue at all so I honestly don't think the medication is an issue on getting or maintaining an erection. My worry I guess is just the fact that I don't get hard at all or at least not completely hard. I understand when I'm the bottom, but its bothersome if I want to top.
It probly would be better and mist ppl wiyld us to pist this in amomous but just how much u brought up ur ex r u shour ur over him ??
Do you get hard on other occasions'?? It just sounds like you're a bottom to me... Like you enjoy sex with this guy, right??? If yes, then it just sounds like you're a bottom.
I don't know about others, but I've tried using toys when the boy won't stand, and it just hurts. I'd imagine others feel the same.
Well I guess that just means you're not in the mood at that time. It sounds like OP is in the mood, it's just the problem is getting an erection. That's probably a little different.
Yeah I have no issue with getting hard when I masturbate and I am more of a bottom but I do enjoy to top on occassion. I mean I have feelings for him and I find him very attractive and when we do initiate sex im always in the moo its just that when it comes to it I just cant get hard. I don't know whats wrong.
