So, I have this girlfriend, who`s recently gotten very obsessed with sexual hygiene, and with that I mean she keeps sending me links and stuff to things like "Article on vaginal infections". It`s starting to drive me a little insane. I wash my hands and my genitals before sex and make sure that she is aware of it. I use soap on my hands, but not my downer regions, as it`s not supposed to be very healthy. I do use hot water, and even when we are not about to have sex, I wash up every day. I clean hands and downstairs before AND after sex. She has not hinted to bad smell, in fact she seems to enjoy it just fine. So, I do not understand the problem! We have discussed sex toys, and such. I have told her I clean my sex toys after each time, that no sex toy of mine has ever been in contact with another female without a condom. I use anti-bacterial stuff on said sex toys. I am all for her using lube, and I have expressed so. However, I have also expressed that I prefer her not using lube when using them on me, as I really don`t like it. I feel like my stuff works perfectly well without it, so it`s not needed. I don`t mind using it when using sex toys on her. What I am wondering, is there anything more I can do, that will calm her down a little, am I doing something wrong, and how can I express to her that I do take her concerns seriously, because apparently I am not doing a good enough job of it as it is. I really want her to be comfortable and feel safe.
Yes there is. You can tell all this stuff to her. Relationships are about communication, which sounds like there isn't much going on. Just tell her that it's becoming irritating and reassure her that you are hygienic when it comes to sex. It sounds to me like she may be a bit mysophobic. All the best.
Thanks, and I do agree, it`s just I did have a conversation with her about it, actually the night before I posted here. The converation went a bit like this (on Facebook chat, she doesn`t want to discuss it face to face for some reason): Her: *linking me to a page about vaginal infections* Me: Seriously, another one of those? Come on, you fed me one the other day! Her: *random post, ignoring what I wrote* Me: Random post Her: blah, blah, random stuff, ending it with "No, wonder, with your casual view on hygiene! (Or something close to that, I don`t remember the exact wording) Me: What are you talking about? You`re linking me pages about what dirt under fingernails can do, but you know I always wash my hands before and after sex, you`ve seen me do it all the time. Her: Blah, blah about how I refuse to use lube. Me: But I am more than willing to use it when you`re the one who is getting ***. I just don`t want it on the thing when I`m supposed to be ***. Her: Oh well. *Linking me to another page, this time on sexually transferreable diseases. Which led to a big me rant about how I always clean my toys, have always cleaned my toys, and that I have told her this before. (Though now that I am ranting about it, I haven`t actually told her I`ve gotten tested after every sex partner I`ve ever had even the ONS) Then she ignored everything I had written, and changed the subject onto bacterias during menstration. I go: "Well, when I had it last time, I used a tampon, I cleaned everything carefully, and it wasn`t like you had to do ora* s**. Besides, I told you it was fine if you didn`t want to do me at all, I did you and had a nice time with that. It wasn`t like I gave you any attitude about it, or even asked you to do it. You implied you didn`t want to do me, and I just went with that without a word. Her: *Big pause* Then another link!! Sigh. I get that we have to communicate, and I try. It`s hard when she`s being so subtle. I`ve told her a million times that I don`t do subtle communication well. Call me a dumb-a**, but I don`t take hint and I am a terrible mind-reader. And her links, and odd statements really aren`t giving me a clue as to what she actually wants from me. And most of the time we can talk just fine, about a lot of things, sex included, but for some reason, we can`t seem to talk straight about this, and I am left still feeling like I am doing something wrong, though I have no idea what the heck there`s left for me to do! Am I a hygenic person? Well, if regularly cleaning your downstairs department, and washing your hands and said department before sex, then yeah. Do I brush twice a day and shower every second day? Yeah, I do, if I shower every day, instead of every second, my skin turns into reptile scales. Which is unsexy and uncomfortable, even if I use lotion. I clean my toys, I have short nails. I just don`t get what else I can do to calm her mind about this. And it`s funny, because she did NOT wash her hands before sex. And she said she worried that her downstairs area was icky because she hadn`t washed. Yet I had no problem with it. I didn`t freak out, and the sex was fine for me! It wasn`t icky like she feared, I didn`t push her, it was almost more the opposite. Which is where I feel the mixed signals come in. Does she want us to be more clean? And why doesn`t that go both ways? How many more ways can I ensure that I`m a bacteria free zone, without going to the extreme and covering myself completely up with plastic? And don`t suggest that I tell her to clean up before complaining about me, because that would piss her off and it`s not worth us having a real argument over. No, seriously, sorry for the rant. Sometimes females can be difficult creatures. And I know that`s rich coming from a chick. I don`t mean to imply that I`m the perfect one and she`s just whiny, it`s just that she communicates on a different level than me on this one. If anyone has any advice on how they have handled similar situations, or agree with her that there is more I could do to "ensure her sexual safety", then please do tell me, because I just want to sort this out so that we can focus on the less complicated things. In some areas, I am very simple minded. Live and let live, shower her with roses until she forgets that I forgot to call her the night before. It`s usually my approach, lol. This requires heavy thinking
To me it sounds like she's OCD about hygiene or she's a germaphobe. Some people will say that it's a good thing to be OCD about hygiene and it is....but only to an extent. Her obsession with hygiene is putting unneeded stress on your relationship. I'm really not sure what advice I could give except, that if she is indeed OCD about hygiene/germaphobe, it's her problem that she needs to deal with. And if she doesn't see that she is the one with the problem, the relationship is going to suffer. She also needs to understand that her obsession is causing you emotional harm. I have known parents of young children who were OCD about their child's hygiene. What's funny is, those parents are usually the ones whose kids are ALWAYS sick while the parent who lets their kid play out in the yard eating dirt (kids do it LOL) are always healthy. In children especially, need to be exposed to various germs, it's how the human body builds up its immune system against various bacteria and viruses. When she starts sending you links about hygiene, respond with links about germaphobes. Not really sure what else I can suggest....wish I could help more. :/
Arguments are the basis of good relationships. Conflict is absolutely OK. Just talk to her and tell her how you feel.
Now I don't necessarily know a whole lot about vaginas but... form what I understand, they are pretty much self-cleaning ovens. Cleaning them out (douching and the like) usually leads to more infections as you are upsetting an already established and sensitive biological system. It will upset the pH balance and lead to yeast infections..and such...I don't like vaginas...
Lol, thank you anyways for replying Jon, even if you hate vaginas (which is totally allowed!) It`s very appreciated. And yeah, being the one with the vagina, I had heard somewhat the same thing, which is why I don`t wash my down stairs area with soap. So, I think I`m doing that one right. And I have now asked her more straight out about it, and said I can wash up even more if she feels there`s a problem, I did it in a nice way, putting it out like if washing up more (as if I could, but I didn`t say so, lol) was really not a problem to me, so she wouldn`t feel that she`d have to respong with the normal "No, it`s not a problem". But apparently it`s nothing wrong with the smell or the .. Well, trying to keep it PG rated here,but the other thing, so, it wasn`t uncomfortable for her. Apperently, it was more the thought of these vaginal "disturbances in the force" that has shaken her up a bit. I did follow the advice and half way forced her into a face to face conversation about it, and it went okay. According to her, there`s nothing more that I can do, and she told me to chill, that it was just her worries. So, I am taking that to heart, chilling down and just letting her deal. I told her the only reason I was preassuring her to talk about it, was because if we were going to be comfortable sexually, then we had to be able to talk about these things, so that we`d both feel less insecure about it and not have unspoken issues. She agreed, and said that since I was her first sexual partner, that was most likely why she seemed a bit overly nervous about these things. It was a good talk, one I think we needed. Thanks for the advice guys!
Hmmm... I hope you keep talking about it, face to face, because doing so will help you both to get more comfortable doing so. If you're gonna do adult things together, you should be able to talk about it like adults - it makes it so much easier when bigger problems arise! I would wonder if some of this has to do with a problem she has had - like if someone said to her she was dirty, or if she has had infections. There is a reason for all this worry, either a tangible reason, or OCD if nothing else. But truthfully, it is a bit beyond the norm to repeatedly send your girl links to articles about hygiene. It's one thing for her to be hooked up on it, it's quite another to be insensitive to the feelings of others, as this can really mess with someone's head! It's kind of rude and weird. I only say that, because I was with someone like that, overly concerned with worries about sex, and not overly concerned with others feelings. But I never thought about that, I just kept thinking, "What can I do to help?" Meanwhile I was the one being traumatized, for no good reason. Every sexual activity was preceded by brushing teeth, washing, etc., and then immediately after - literally seconds - more washing. It made me feel like a disease. I don't know how long you've been together, but I would honestly recommend you just put this up there in the little corner of your head as a check for "cons" of being with this person. Not to say you must break up with her, but from my own experience, I have learned to listen to my intuition now, and that is a sign that is worth considering, it's definitely not normal, and not very fun. This person's concern is actually making you unhealthy, and encouraging you to be more obsessive than you need to be. If you have showered, even without soap, your smell or taste is fine and is what it is. If she's not getting infections either, then there is no reason for concern. I think it's worth finding out if she has any other problems with you and this is acting it out - does she feel that you have a messy room? Does she look down on you for some reason as unclean, or irresponsible? I learned, after a long time with my ex, that all of his weirdness 1. Had to do with him being weird, nothing wrong with me 2. Were indications of much deeper issues he had with me that he never found words for, because he was terrible at communication She also appears to suck at communication, even when you try your hardest to drag it out of her. Another check in the "Con" column. There may be tons of "Pros," I'm just saying don't ignore these. You make very thoughtful posts and seem like a nice (and normal) person, I'm just saying that she might be an incredible person but she has some flaws that in a long relationship might become massive problems. A relationship is healthier when you don't turn a blind eye to anything, but accept it for what it is and actively choose it, or leave it. This is long, but I wanted to write because there is just so much about what you are mentioning that sounds exactly like my experience, and I put up with that way too many years too long letting him criticize and insult me rather than saying - wait, I am the normal one, YOU are the weird one. Get it together, or shut up, because there's nothing wrong with me! ... Women take way too much crap and are too ready to point the finger at themselves. So I hope this message helps you remember, it really doesn't sound like it's you. ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2012 at 07:28 PM ---------- Good job Jon, like them or not, at least what you wrote was correct!
Just curious... if the relationship is otherwise fine, and the sex is good, would it hurt you just to respond "thanks for the link" and let it go at that? You are doing what normal people should be doing regarding hygiene, you have nothing to apologize about and if she's a bit OCD about it, just roll with it, thank her and move on.
