Since I am still pretty anonym in here, I want to tell that struggle I try to live with on my own.. I can't stand dirty places and germs and I can't stand not remembering where things are. Everything in my apartment is in order, I knew how many of these and that I have and I know where I put them ever since I bought them. When I can't solve a problem or can't find something important (like eyedrops or rubber gloves) I end up in a complete mess. That's why I hated to live with flatmates or parents. I couldn't stand them seeing me in such a breakdown or cleaning. This week I called a friend (I really like this sort of friendship, where you barely meet but write and call from time to time) when I realized I had some sort of eye infection and couldn't find my eyedrops. She didn't hang up and tried to help me with it, but couldn't. In the end I just hung up and walked to a nearby hospital to get it checked (it was almost midnight).. But that's not everything. When I don't have something to do I get nervous. Like I can't just watch a movie at home, I always have to write or clean while watching otherwise I can't concentrateon the plot. In the morning I just get up, have a tea and hang out at 4 different places/ forums about murder cases I try to solve in my own theories. I can't stand grammar issues in my mother language and when a classmate spells it the wrong way I can't resist but correct it. When I go out to public places like trains or busses or stations or malls I always have to wear headphones cause I can't stand all the chatting and busy people around. Sometimes I feel like they talk or stare at me, so I constantly wearheadphones ans a giant scarf (even in Summer) to hide with. Winter is pretty hard for me, since I can't go grocery shopping or take a ride in a train without caughing or sneezing people, so desinfect my hands like a hundred times per day. I barely go out, I have a doctor in my hometown who suspends me from school from time to time, so I can catch up some sleep and stuff. I made it through high school with about 45 days attending school. The rest I studied on my own and it turned out easier than studying in class. But I don't know what the future will bring and it upsets me to think about sharing a flat again....
Sounds like you're dealing with a lot. I'm sorry to hear about your ongoing struggle with OCD. I'm assuming since you posted this topic on here, you're probably wanting some advice. Just reading your post made me tired because I was trying to imagine your frustration. I suffer from OCD as well. I used to be a germaphobe, or a more formal term, Mysophobia. When I was younger I used to constantly distance myself from dirt and things I thought were contaminated. I still wash my hands about 10 times a day, but it's better than what it used to be. My problem was that I always thought I was going to be contaminated and die. My OCD got worse as I got older and I eventually saw a doctor. He diagnosed me and prescribed me with medication. Eventually I started to worry less and I began to realize that I was never in any real danger. Now I can go outside and go to the park, jump in the lake, hike and get dirty with no problem. The thoughts you could be having are irrational and your OCD is making you think that you need to clean in order to remain safe. I'm the same way when it comes to grammar. I've actually corrected my boss's grammar before and I think she got a bit offended, lol. Now your problem with being in public/busy places sounds like you might have a bit of social anxiety. My sister has this and she can't stand being somewhere with a lot of people by herself. She constantly thinks someone is staring at her or talking about her. Do you have trouble talking to people you don't know?
