1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

always worried im "crazy"

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by tapsilog2012, Dec 24, 2012.

  1. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    I grew up with a psychiatrist father who labeled me with different mental illnesses whenever he was angry at me. For example when I was playing make-believe games as a child he said I would grow up to be "schizophrenic". If he was hitting me and I started screaming he said I was "hysterical".

    Somehow some of these labels have stuck and now whenever I am happy or sad my family immediately suspects it is because of my "bipolar". (I dont have bipolar, Ive spoken to enough mental health professionals to confirm it).

    I dont speak to my family anymore but whenever someone mentions that they are "bipolar" I get extremely worried I am bipolar and start reading tons of articles on it.

    How do I stop worrying that Im "crazy"?
     
  2. That feeling sucks. It was unethical and irresponsible for your father, as a mental health professional, I presume, to retaliate with these sensitive words. Unfortunately, it seems like these experiences are ingrained into your mind and those of your family, so it's going to be hard to shake off. If you're doing fine, then just try occupying your mind, and try finding something to change the subject when these topics come up. It's one of those scars that are going to last, but you can take the opportunity to come out stronger.
     
  3. Colours

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2012
    Messages:
    791
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Have you got any reason to think you're bipolar, aside from your family saying that you are?

    In my Psychology classes when mental illnesses came up, the teacher said that it's normal to, when you read about a certain illness and its symptoms, feel like that's totally you they're describing. She also said that you shouldn't worry about it.

    I advise you not to think of it too much. We all have mood swings sometimes, we all have happier days and sadder days, doesn't mean you're bipolar.
     
  4. Argentwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    "Hysteria" is, to the best of my knowledge, not an accepted medical condition anymore. It was used in earlier times before psychology was well-understood, but has been discredited now. He's exceptionally mean if he does this type of stuff to you, or in his words, sociopathic.
     
  5. Joey4

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 18, 2012
    Messages:
    279
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Maryland/DC
    I think being able to worry whether or not you're crazy is a good indication that you're NOT crazy.
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think the first step is to realize -- no offense -- that your dad is probably a very messed up individual. A healthy parent, but *particularly* a parent who is a psychiatrist, would (a) never hit his child in the first place; (b) never chastise his child for expressing discomfort while being in pain; (c) *never, ever* tell a child engaging in normal, healthy fantasy play that they might be schizophrenic.

    I don't like ripping on people's parents, but I can safely say that your dad sounds like probably one of the worst psychiatrists I've ever heard about. So if it helps any, I think you can safely disregard just about anything he said.

    Now I realize that my just saying that doesn't make it so, and so I think one of the best things you can do is start to realize that he is obviously a very broken person with a very warped perception of people and the world, and once you really acknowledge that, it will be a lot easier to simply discard, consciously and unconsciously, the ridiculous assertions he made when you were a child. These sorts of childhood scars can take a while to overcome, but you already have awareness that the stuff he said was bullshit, and that's a huge step in the right direction.
     
  7. ecd123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    What you experienced was manipulation and physical as well as emotional abuse/emotional blackmail. I am very sorry for that. No parent should treat their child in such a way. I too worry sometimes that I am crazy/will go crazy constantly, but this is actually a symptom of anxiety which is perfectly common and easy to handle. If you were actually crazy you wouldn't be aware of it. Maybe try looking up symptoms of anxiety and seeing if you are experiencing other symptoms as well. You may be afraid because of what you went through and fear that it will become true which is causing you to stress. Talk to a therapist about this and see what they would recommend. I like to take herbal supplements for anxiety because they are non-addictive and work very well for me. I also enjoy yoga and I am going to take up meditation to control my thinking because I tend to worry and over-analyze a lot and make mountains out of mole-hills.
    Good luck and remember that talking to someone you trust is always great to do!
     
  8. Suffocation

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2012
    Messages:
    236
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I learned that, in the end, we are all bat-shit cray. (yes, cray.)
     
  9. GreenSkies

    GreenSkies Guest

    I know how hard it is to worry that you will become crazy, because I went through the same thing.

    My father has bipolar disorder, and for years when I was in my early 20s, I was terrified that I would suddenly develop it too. I read many books on mental illness, and I never trusted my own perception of myself. (My father never recognized that anything was wrong with him, so I was worried that I would go completely crazy and not even notice). Literally every time I broke down and cried about anything, or got angry and raised my voice at someone, I would be scared that that was it and I was not mentally ill. Fortunately I had a great therapist to help me out, and I'm now older than the usual onset age for bipolar disorder, so I feel a lot more confident about myself.

    For me, the best help was talking to other people who knew me and could judge my behavior objectively, especially when I was in a place where I couldn't judge my behavior myself. It is very helpful when you get upset about something to have someone else confirm that you reacted normally to the situation.
     
  10. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    Everyone, thanks for the reassurance. I do yoga and meditation. Unfortunately meditation for me triggers flashbacks of my abuse.

    I will say one thing, too, that happened when I was 18. I had ecoli, which somehow made me hallucinate/lose touch with reality. I got put in a mental institution for 3 weeks before they found out I was ill with a bacterial infection. They put me on antipsychotics and all kinds of extremely heavy medication,which made things worse, and they diagnosed me with mania. However I got better from antibiotics and not psych meds.

    I have never had another episode like this since (this was 11 years ago) so most therapists say it is unlikely that I have bipolar, since I would cycle into it again at some point.

    However, during my hospital stay I believed my father had molested me as a child. This was explained away by my family as a "delusion". I have a notebook I was writing in during the hospital stay that my mom ACTUALLY EDITED, you can see her writing in notes to make it seems like my belief that I was molested was a "metaphor" for the other abuse I had sustained.

    They also tried to explain away the accusation of a molestation by saying that me losing my virginity had triggered it (I slept with a guy for the first time about a month before), and I wasnt "ready for sex".

    During the hospital stay my dad went completely batshit insane (because of my accusation). At a physician's board meeting, he called out the psychiatrist who was treating me and started yelling at him. He was also trying to treat my illness himself. When I got home from the hospital he kept calling and harrassing my mom, trying to get her to take me off the meds I was on and put me on his own prescription (EXPIRED, OLD medication that he stored in the basement). My parents were living in different houses at the time, but he would walk up to the mail slot and stick the expired meds through the mail slot.

    According to my sister, he claims I owe him an apology because he thinks I was making something up about molestation on purpose in order to ruin his career.

    So needless to say, I am very scarred by this period in my life and constantly double checking myself to make sure Im not crazy. Whenever I feel confident or happy AT ALL, Im afraid I am manic.
     
  11. Tiny Catastrophe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2009
    Messages:
    728
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Long Island, New York
    Something I've always went by is that real "crazy" people are the last to know they are crazy.
     
  12. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    I do want to say something else about my dad, about his homophobia. When my brother was maybe 7 or 8 years old he stopped letting him play with a friend that he liked to wrestle with. He thought that the fact that he always wrestled with this friend meant he was going to "turn gay". He had all kinds of extremely weird beliefs like this.
     
  13. ecd123

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2012
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North Carolina
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    No offense, but your father deserves to have his career ruined. If he is treating his own child this way and is homophobic he certainly does not seem fit to be allowed to treat patients as well...he probably knew what he did was wrong and is trying to cover it up by doing this to you. That is completely unfair and flat out wrong and perhaps your mother doesn't want to see it because it scares her. I don't even know what to say!
     
  14. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    @ecd123 thanks. I dont really know exactly what happened to me as a child. For 10 years I considered it a "delusion" and didn't think about it, but when I started therapy strange/disgusting memories started coming back. These memories came back NOT FROM EVEN TALKING about abuse or my childhood. Basically, I had an assignment of self esteem affirmations. Trying to raise my self esteem triggered the memories.

    I also really got into meditation and the disturbing images/body feelings kept coming up. I am an extremely skeptical person and I don't want to exaggerate or fabricate anything, but the evidence seems to point to something having happened more and more.

    I also want to say something else,that was very strange and is part of the mystery. If anyone read my last post, they will know that according to my sister, my dad feels that I owe him an apology for "purposefully trying to destroy his career". When my sister told me this, my mom was present. At the time I was not out. Immediately after my sister bringing up the topic, my mom suddenly started talking about a lesbian experience she had in college that "she was ashamed of".

    I don't want to sound like too much of a conspiracy theorist but I kind of think, knowing both my parents, that if he DID molest me, his motive may have been a form of "corrective rape". I dont know if this sounds way too out there but it is a theory that I have had for a long time.

    I would absolutely love to know what his motive was. I dont need to know what happened, but for some reason I really want to know if his homophobia was somehow a motivator (unless I am completely off base and making this up, which I refuse to allow myself to rule out).
     
  15. VyreRain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2013
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Haworth, OK
    Your not crazy.
    1. Have you ever had a full blown. Conversation with yourself?
    2. If you have did you suddenly realize no one else was there?
    3. If not are you a writer or poet?
    4. If not do you have any friends?
    5. If not do you have a Social Life?
    6. If not do you have overbearing family?
    7. If not do you have a job?
    8. If not you might be crazy.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2013 at 12:47 AM ----------

    Btw if your wondering ive had full on conversations. With myself but I'm a writer so I'm allowed a lil lee way to the brink
     
  16. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    haha @VyreRain as a matter of fact Im going back to college to start a creative writing program next week.
     
  17. malachite

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 8, 2009
    Messages:
    2,769
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Orlando
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You stop worrying by seeing the way people take their knowledge for granted. Show me a kid who doesn't play as a child, I'll show you a REAL disturbed kid.

    It's like deception experts after a while, it's ALL they see are lies. So in your Dad's case ALL he sees are conditions, not the person.

    an oncologists is going to see cancer in his patients.

    Sounds like Daddy has a God complex.
     
  18. VyreRain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2013
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Haworth, OK
    Hey Tap do you write poetry? Or books?
     
  19. tapsilog2012

    tapsilog2012 Guest

    I used to write tons of stories/poems as a kid. I stopped completely when I hit puberty and got an eating disorder.

    My last project I was working on when I was 11/12 was a novel about wolves and environmentalism and the storyline was based on the Book of Exodus (lol, I was super ambitious). I read it over recently and I was shocked how good it was :icon_redf

    I have a degree in English (literary analysis crap) because my parents wouldnt let me pursue creative writing in university. However all my profs said my strong point in my essays was creativity and composition. So I finally get to do what I wanted to do now!

    My main creative outlet has been dance for the past several years, and Im quite nervous to go back to using words instead of my body to say things, but we'll see how it works out....

    @Malachite I agree about seeing your specialty everywhere. My brother is going to be a clinical psychologist and I already see him also going down that path, of diagnosing everyone...
     
    #19 tapsilog2012, Jan 3, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2013
  20. VyreRain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2013
    Messages:
    105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Haworth, OK
    @ tapsilog do you need any help writing on that .... unfortunately for me.... I have an extremely vividly imagination.... so if I even start to think of something ill get lost in a daydream ... good for writing bad for reality.... lol but a while ago I had an Idea about writing a story about lycanthropes and dracanthropes and putting them at war yada yada you might be able to use something like that to help you get started.... besides I'm mostly a poet

    ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 12:12 AM ----------

    If it weren't against the rules.... I'd post one of my poems lol

    ---------- Post added 4th Jan 2013 at 12:13 AM ----------

    Hey how did this post go from am I crazy to us talking about literature ... I think that's a lil weird....