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Do I need help or am I just being dramatic?

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by Silverbells000, Jan 13, 2013.

  1. Silverbells000

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Michigan
    All of the following is true, you may not know who I am or why I'm posting this...but please read it anyway.
    I have cried a thousand tears each day, each day there is something to cry about and each day it never seems to go away. I miss America, even though there is so much evil and darkness there, it has all my friends and family who were always there for me, even when I didn’t realize it. Here I have no one, there are three people in the apartment who claim to love me, but if they loved me they wouldn’t keep me here against my will and watch me suffer. They don't give a crap that I'm miserable, they say they do and they say they want to help, but I see through their lies. They're all lying to me these days, they even try to make it up by giving me things, empty bribes. There are days I’d rather be alone, there are days I’d much rather just lay down and cry without trying to talk at the same time, and there are days I wish I was dead. If I were dead I could see who really cared and who was just pretending all along. I like to believe I am a happy child, a child who loves cartoons and playing tag and other childish things….but in reality I am a cruel, heartless bitch who loves pain and hates when people leave her out of things, I cry when I see how much fun my friends are having without me, the jealousy eats me alive and I can’t bear it much longer. Talking on facebook has helped, but even that is not enough anymore, I need to be with the people I love and instead I am sitting in the dark trying to hold back tears as I think about my life. My mother has told me she doesn’t know what to do with me, my father gets more angry these days, I don’t think the move has really helped anyone, the only people that benefit are the people of Ford who get more money. I have recently discovered, over the past year, I like girls and this shames me to think I one day may have to tell people, people who will judge me and abandon me all over again like in middle school. Three years I lived in my own personal hell, this hell changed me from a happy 11 year old girl into a sadistic depressed 13 year old. My hell consisted of kids I’d rather call demons: they called me names, pushed me around, threw away my stories, isolated me, verbally and physically hurt me, abandoned me for others, picked up my lunches and threw them in the trash, they found good sport in mocking me by exaggerating my quirks to their friends,and even watched as I was bullied….I had a best friend once….I was being shoved into a locker and she sat by and watched, I could tell she wanted to help but she was a coward and left me to die. Later she tried again to make friends, insisting she needed me and she missed me, but eventually we stopped speaking, I miss her but I do not think she even remembers me. If only she knew what I went through to try to be friends with her again. There were days and nights where I prayed to God, asking him to kill me if he truly loved me…I even stopped believing in him, convinced he wasn’t real since he wasn’t saving me. I deeply regret this but this is the truth. My parents sent me to a psychiatrist in hopes this would help me, it only did so much, I tried to kill myself twice and many times I have currently thought of trying a third. In 8th grade I was sent to a new school, this was too soon to be sent back with kids, I was terrified and everything seemed horrifying. Even though the kids were nice, my social confidence was destroyed and now even asking somebody to come to my house to hang out has become difficult to the point where I feel like crying out of fear. I don’t think anybody truly knows what goes on in my life, I only tell my friends some of the things…if I told them everything they would not love me anymore, they would say I was too much to handle and leave me to die. I don’t know if they would really do this but why take the chance? Why take the chance to have all my friends leave me because I am ill? I know I am mentally ill, I want to scream for somebody to diagnose me but everybody simply believes I am “normal” and I am just trying to be difficult. They are the ones who are difficult, they are the ones who hate me and want to slap me, even my mom has said she wants to slap me sometimes. I am not an optimistic person, my family is, they yell at me for not being as happy as they dreamed I would be, they are angry I refuse to fall into a trap of false happiness. My school is too hard to me, they move too fast and the kids are confusing. The kids stay in their tight groups and it’s hard to join one, no matter what I do I always end up sitting alone at lunch, I have one friend who comes to talk with me but we only joke around, it is not a real friendship. The counselor there is a good listener but does little to provide real advice; just the same shit over and over….the teachers do not help either. There was one day I was so mad I hit the walls until my hands were raw and red, threatening to bleed, and the biology teacher pulled me aside and talked to me a bit, she sent me alone my merry way after that when it was obvious I need to talk to someone! My grades are a mess, no matter how hard I try my grades fail time and time again…this by itself would drive me to death. I feel like I'm losing my touch on reality, I feel like I need pain to keep myself intact with reality. I'm not a cutter or anything but I've done stupid stuff to cause myself mental and physical pain, that way I don't lose track of reality....I feel like I'm losing my mind, I'm starting think my conscience is a voice in my head telling to do stupid stuff, it's not much help in deciding right from wrong. Am I crazy or just being dramatic? :bang::tears:
     
  2. Philvanuirle

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Tennessee
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    The first thing I had in mind was "Wow, so much reading, what a drag". Nevertheless, I read your story and I can't articulately give you the answer to your main question; however, there is one thing you should know, I as well went from the happiest, healthy young lad at probably 11 or 12 as well, 7th grade until that one day that changed it forever. All I can say is you're definitely not alone and I'm not lying. I as well love mental self-harassment, I think it gives myself pleasure and hide it all behind a smile everyday, but I told myself if I'm going to be this depressed and have all this time for tears, I might as well get rid of these tears, step up and reach for my dreams and my goals at every cost.

    I see your grades are slipping, here's my advice, you're stronger than you think you are, so spend your time proving those bullies wrong. Study hard and work hard! Put all your effort into reaching a positive dream because when you grow up, you'll be a better person than your bullies because of how you overcame the depression and loneliness. Furthermore, I learned that you only need ONE friend, and ONE loyal friend to be happy. This friend can be a classmate or a cousin. Whatever fits the boat. Overcoming tears shows how strong a person is.

    I can tell you it won't go away with a snap, but each day is worth giving every effort into reaching a dream. Therefore, stay strong and prove the "kids" they were wrong.
     
  3. Yui

    Yui
    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Please get help! (*hug*)
    There's never a "Naw, not serious enough..." with these type of things.
    You are in Germany right now? Are you going to school? Does your school have a counselor? Can you go see a doctor? You can just talk with him/her about your problems and then see what you want to do. They can refer you to a therapist and prescribe something if necessary.

    I had the same thing - I always thought my problems weren't serious enough until I had a panic attack so severe I ended up in the emergency room... It will only get worse with time if you don't do anything about it - and sometimes you just need professional help. Nothing to be ashamed of! If you need - scream for help until someone takes you seriously! People often don't have much experience with these kind of things, don't know what to do and underestimate the situation.

    (*hug*)