So I’m experiencing an interesting dilemma right now and need to think out loud… Short version: I lack a libido. Ritalin gives me a libido, but the medication isn’t working for me anymore. Adderall does a better job treating my sleep disorder, but kills my libido. I’m debating whether I want my libido back, and if yes how to go about it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long version: I developed Idiopathic Hypersomnia (inability to stay awake with unknown cause) when I was 12 years old (1997). I fought the doctors for YEARS trying to get help to no avail. I don’t recall experiencing attraction or lust at this time of my life. Finally at age 25 (2010) I found a doctor willing to help, and he tested me on the stimulant medication Ritalin. Bingo! I could now stay awake and am finally doing something with my life! About a year later I experienced having a slight libido for the first time ever, and (long story short) started questioning my sexual orientation. This initially upset me a great deal due to past issues and homophobia, but I eventually moved forward. By the summer of 2012 I was feverishly exploring my mind, body, LGBT topics, and the Seattle gay scene (no dating or intimacy though). I felt like a teenager in an adult body! However, when my doctor took me off Ritalin for two months to check on my condition, I was back to being tired all the time and my interest in sexual topics pretty much died. I figured the diminished drive was due to excessive sleepiness, and quickly resumed “puberty” when I got back on the medication. Winter 2012. I’m having massive mood swings partially triggered by the Ritalin wearing off too fast. I took the medicine at three-hour intervals at very low doses, but the constant up-down-up-down all day was wearing me out. My doctor tried to prescribe the extended release variety, but my insurance won’t cover it. Next I was switched to Adderall, a similar acting but longer lasting stimulant medication. It works! My energy levels are much more stable during the day, and my mood swings are mellowing out. Here’s the catch though… my libido has completely vanished. Two months in and I still feel physically and mentally asexual, just like I was prior to medication. Good! Now I can concentrate on my career and not worry about social stigma right? Besides, between school and work I have been very busy and isolated, and my relentless new yearnings made me suffer, made me wish I could be asexual again. Well, I got my wish! …Or so I thought. I’d never thought I’d say this, but I miss having a sexual drive. Orientation doesn’t matter, I feel like something’s missing. Even though I wasn’t dating or having sex, I now know the desires added a certain enhancing element to life. It’s like being enraptured by a work of art, or stimulated by a song. At first I hated it, but now I miss how certain girls had a similar affect on me. But eventually I craved more, and I wanted to connect with people. My isolation turned into a painful loneliness. If desire is the root of all suffering, then killing the desire will stop the suffering, right? To an extent that’s true, and lacking sexual desire does have its perks, but if given a choice what do I really want? I have never talked to my doctors about this. I’m going to wait a few months to see if my libido returns, but if it doesn’t then what? Switch medication again? Do I even want the yearnings back? Got any experiences of your own to share? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Disclaimer: I do believe asexuality exists as a legitimate sexual orientation and is not always caused by a medical condition, as is the case with me. I don’t believe in pressuring asexual individuals to undergo testing or treatment unless they want to or have related mental or physical health concerns. Also, I am not a doctor or health expert, and I understand most of you aren't either
