My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with it.

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

There are a lot of ways people act when they're depressed.

I know that talking to him isn't ideal, but let me put it this way: if he's going to be depressed regardless what you do/don't say, and you would like to maintain a relationship with him, shouldn't you be honest with him?

And since this is an ongoing issue, is he seeing any professionals for it? A therapist/counsellor perhaps?

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

You should just come out to him and say hey, you know, I noticed you are very glum. Talk to him about why he is sad and help him push through it. Make sure to guide him.

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

Hi Quartz,

Thanks for sharing what you're going through. I have a few questions to ask you if you don't mind answering:
How does it feel when your bf talks about suicide? How did you handle that? I just feel like that would put a lot of psychological stress on you as you have indicated your fatigue. Have you told him how that impacts you? Is your bf aware he is depressed? When he is depressed, does he seek attention from you or do you feel obligated to give him attention?

Being busy and understanding one having an independent life could be a difficult concept for some to grasp, especially during the early stages of the relationship. That said given that you're both young adults, I think it's best to lay down some ground rules about one another. For example, "This is my personality....I like X....This is my schedule..." After a month and a half I think it's appropriate time to talk about how you feel. I know that's not what you want to hear, but perhaps there's a way of saying things like this in a sensitive tone that wouldn't hurt him. Start out with "How do you feel today?" and have him talk a bit and then you talk about how you feel.

Communication is essential to any types of relationship. Wanting to avoid talking about something is like putting a band-aid on a cut. Yes it does stop the bleeding, but the wound itself is still there.

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

I completely understand how it is tiring. But read this - it's not about depression, but it's about anxiety.

Anxiety, you're not the boss of me - CNN.com

I am anxious, close to a majority of the time. I can't just "suck it up and not worry." I do hold it together and get stuff done. But sometimes, people aren't built to be so chill like you.

The suicide part is what gets me. He truly attempted it once? That's when you have to be honset. I think that you need to be there for him, but only if he makes a decision to get help. He doesn't have money? Well, maybe a local counseling center would help. Or maybe he could find his own online forum! With his health issues, how is he getting the meds - because it's important he's being followed closely. That might be weighing on him, too.

You are not doing anything bad - I'm not trying to judge you. I'm just someone who people usually try and tell to "buck up." So, I'm saying what I would want to hear.

Just talk with him. Be open and honest.

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

This is a hard one. He sounds like the type guy who needs constant attention. I am exactly like you and need pleanty of space. Therefore I turned down many good guys waiting on one who was right for me. It took me years to find him. I hate to say either you will have to change, or find a guy who is less needy. My man is a workaholic which allows me to have my space durring the day. This guy sounds like 1-3 times a week is too little to make him feel secure. You might try calling him a lot, and making more time to see him durring the week. After a while he may settle down and feel more secure. See if he wants to come and watch you on those weekend events, instead of being left out. All the emotional drama is probably his way to get your attention, not knowing he is really pushing you away. It sounds like to make your relationship work you need to put a lot of time and effort into it, or just move on. I don't think anyone will have a easy fix for this. June

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

Sometimes it takes a while to find a good medication....I think a lot of those resistant depressions are usually solved by something like lamotrigine if possible.

Counseling is pretty good, but as you said it can take a while till you are able to squeeze out what is it thats the real problem.

I used to be very depressed all the time as well....antidepressants didn't work for me, I had to sort out a lot of the believes I had about my self due to an abusive family and beliefs and so forth....and I feel really much much better now like I know what its like to not be depressed!

So if you want to stick around, it may pay off...but thats for you to decide...it is after all your time and your life.

Good luck...!

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

This sounds like me, but me being in your bf's shoes. From personal experience, when I say things that are negative, I am really unconsciously asking for help. I think it might be worth while to ask him what makes him happy, and what you can do to make him feel better when he does go into a spiral. Many depressed people engage in a behaviour called reassurance seeking: they depreciate themselves in order to get reassurance that they are not. I was there and I remember my bf was very frustrated with the situation, very tired of my depression and suicidal ideation. It took us a lot to work it out, and it really started with him understanding what I needed when I said something like that. I needed him to caress me, hug me, kiss me, overall feeling his presence. And gradually I felt safer with him and these symptoms disappeared.

Hopefully my personal experience can give you some insight.
Good luck!

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

Okay. Read this post because I am that guy. I went through a terrible relationship just like this. Only I'm not you. I'm the depressed guy. But I have the real answer, and its not ideal.

First off. He is not a baby. Depression isn't having a reason to be sad. Its an illness and often has to do with chemicals in the brain. I have it, my boyfriend, who like you dislikes chatting it out, also had it. So zi know a nice bit about depression.

First thing you need to worry about. Can you give him what he needs, and can he give you what you need? If not, you will either have to do the healthy choice for you both and break it off, or accept the other can't meet your needs. Which means you will have to tell him to ask himself if you can give him what he needs as well. And then tell him if you are willing to accomidate/change for him, or end it. This is about not expecting things of your partner and understanding what you both can and can't handle. I'm sorry, but you will need to dicuss needs with him and wether you are up to meeting them. If you can't do that, call it off now. Please, just don't drag yourselves through that. Trust me, that was my situation, it does not work. He needs to know wether or not you can give him what he needs. Remember, I've been in that position.

Stay healthy. If it wont work for you, call it off. Or if it doesn't work for him. Best respect each other enough not to make yourselves unhealthy.

And suicide. The problem with this is it is his choice. It is his life. He can die. And if you are a good partner and friend you wont make this decision for him. Fight to help him, but don't force him. My exe was the first to say to me in my telling him I wanted to die: "Okay, if thats what you want. I wont stop you. But I will miss you" and its a breather. To know your supported is liberating.

---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 07:46 PM ----------

Be supportive. If you don't want to talk, or your not good at comforting, tell him. And remember to listen when he needs to share with you. Make sure he knows what you can not do for him. I love it when people tell me 'I am not good at this (comforting), but I care for you and want to listen". Again, don't drag it out if it isn't working for you both. But if hes a communication type, your best bet is try to communicate or tell him you can't give him that. If thats fine, great. If not, oh well. Its a hard decision, I know! Good luck!!!

---------- Post added 12th Feb 2013 at 07:46 PM ----------

Be supportive. If you don't want to talk, or your not good at comforting, tell him. And remember to listen when he needs to share with you. Make sure he knows what you can not do for him. I love it when people tell me 'I am not good at this (comforting), but I care for you and want to listen". Again, don't drag it out if it isn't working for you both. But if hes a communication type, your best bet is try to communicate or tell him you can't give him that. If thats fine, great. If not, oh well. Its a hard decision, I know! Good luck!!!

 

Re: My boyfriend is always emotional and depressed, and I don't know how to deal with

Sounds like you should just tell him that you understand it isn't easy for him and that you have no idea how it must be inside his head but at the sametime, his inability to function solo is slowly tearing you apart. Tell him that even tho you are in a relationship as his lover and friend, you can't keep giving him all of your energy and at some point he has to want things for himself. Tell him that sometimes you are going to want to go out with your friends and that doesn't mean that you don't like him or don't want to be around him anymore. It just means you like your alone time. And when he starts to pull away from you, don't let him. Don't let him close himself off and fall into that ditch he's become accustomed too. As someone who suffers from depression and emotional mood swings, I know that having rock can be nice but having a rock that helps you do for you, fight against the clouds that block the sun in your sky and cares for you immensely at the end of the day is f**king awesome. Basically, make him face all of his negative thoughts instead of just letting them run rampant. Speak to him generous yet stern and let him know that you care unsurmountably but he has to learn to hold some of his own baggage or this companionship will sour into bitterness and resentment. And better yet, do all this after having watched "Girl, Interrupted." That movie, and friends, definitely was a help when I was having one of my episodes. I sincerely wish you the best in this situation and bless you for caring enough to stay this long. (*hug*)