So basically it is like the title says, I have been having a lot of thoughts about suicide lately. I don't want to kill myself like at all but I am constantly finding myself thinking about how I may go about it, how it would feel, who it would affect and how. I don't know honestly what is going on. I know I have been depressed on and off for a while and it has kind of gotten to the point where I almost can not determine what my "feelings" are and its hard to remember the last time I was happy...Coming across some of my old writings (blogs I posted here on EC) I realized I am beginning to feel the same way as I had previously: -"Somehow everyday I find myself still breathing, still alive, and everyday I am stuck wondering why. Why do I have to live? Is there really any point to it? I mean everyday billions of people go about their days. They go to work or to school, talk to others and everyday that follows they repeat this same cycle. Don’t they ever stop and wonder why they do it? Don’t they ever bore of doing the same things? Of having the same meaningless conversations with the same people as they have before? Am I really the only one who questions why they live? Wondering why they have been put into a world that’s only goal is to tear them apart, none of this seems worth it to me anymore. True at some point in my life I had never considered this, but now I am. These thoughts attack me everyday. And everyday they make me feel so guilty for having thought such things." This little paragraph I wrote nearly a year ago is still how I am thinking/feeling now...It's hard to understand it all to be honest... -"My grades are so low I am worried that I may get held back and lose what little friends I have. (Again). I have been noticing that my want to socialize with people is decreasing more and more rapidly. I want to be alone all the time, but yet at the same time I find that I want to be around people." I hope I am at least making some kind of sense here? I am quite honestly confused and scared with what has been going on lately. I don't want to think these things I don't want to laugh at the idea of inflicting pain on myself, smile at the idea of death but yet it happens...I don't want to kill myself, I really don't...I want to talk to my doctor (sense most of you will ask if I have) but I am afraid of sounding crazy, or being ignored?? ...I probably sound so crazy... :help:
There's a part of me that just wants to say maybe you are at the philosophical stage of life questioning about well, things. Such as why do we live. lol. I mean, I have had this little brief suicidal phase, but since I watched too much mysteries, I was very concerned with how to fake it myself as an accident, but that phased died out LOL. in regard to your blog posts... yes, people probably think about it. some people just struggle to live on. some to feed their family. some to pay their bills. some are not really working if they're doing what they're enjoying. also, the second post seems to be you having a concern about being alone. Are you an introvert by chance? if not, then, why not take "making good grades" as a goal to stay with friends??
You can - and, if you're feeling this way, probably should - talk to your doctor. They won't think you're crazy, and they won't ignore you - there are people out there who are willing and able to help you with this feelings. Since you do have the perspective of thinking back over a year's worth of time about this, let me ask something. You feel this now - you felt this at some point a year ago - so was there any point in between where you felt differently? Where you felt any better? If so, there's one reason, at least, to believe that your feelings can change and you will be able to feel better again. And you're not alone. Many people struggle to give meaning to their lives, or ponder the "what's it all for?" question. But one thing I can assure you of - the world does not exist purely to tear you apart. There are many people in this would who care about you, or would care about you if they had a chance to get to know you. Who knows when you might meet one of them?
Okay honestly had to look up what introverted meant. Um, not really no. I am usually very sociable always have been use to be told all the time that I talked way to much. - Last year was actually harder to do the work than this year is, I am unable to focus at all. I am a senior so I honestly need to pass so I don't want to fail, but no matter how much I try to do my work I can never stay focused on it long enough...The whole deal with wondering if others thought this way has probably been going on for about three years, I was in 10th grade when I had begun to realize I thought about this a lot, just to clarify that part. ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 02:19 AM ---------- Honestly I never felt "better" I either felt completely numb and shut off from everything or I felt worse than before, their has never been a "better" which is what scares me most. - I know their are people who care about me and all but it somehow always feels like their isnt anyone their...I know I have 2 people right now who would do anything for me..I am grateful for them, they both came into my life about the same time...sad cause ones my cousin, but stuff happens. How do you think I should bring this up to a doctor? I am not real certain on how to word things, I am better at writing not talking...
I would tell them exactly what you've described in this thread - you're having thoughts about hurting yourself and they're starting to frighten you. You've been having them for a while now and you've noticed they're not really going away or improving, just "numbing" for certain periods of time. And if you think you're able to talk to those two people in your life about how you've been feeling, try it (if you haven't already). Talking about things like this is difficult for everyone, but the more you can get yourself to do it, the easier it will get - and the better things will get. (*hug*)
Okay, I think I can manage that. Kind of unnerving but I think that would work...She is kind of a family friend so it's not like she is a stranger to me.. - I have actually had the longest conversations with them about what I have been dealing with. I have also brought up to my cousin that I seem to have a real short temper and that its super hard to handle...maybe I should mention that as well?? Either way I really do appreciate you replying. Getting feedback/advice on things helps.
Absolutely, if you feel that it's related and it would help to talk about it. Good luck! I hope it goes really well.
Thank you. I know I have to go soon anyhow, have to get some shots for college and all that. I will just mention it then, won't be to long before I go.
Just to add my 2 cents, the conversation with your doctor sounds way harder than it actually is. I had almost the exact same conversation with my doctor a while back. I put it off over & over, but when I finally talked to him (with a few tears) he was very understanding and very helpful. I never regretted the decision to get a little help and I'm sure you won't either. Good luck & keep your chin up, it really does get better!
Trust me, you don't sound crazy. I've been there. I've only ever been truly suicidal twice in my life. The first time I was suicidal, it was the few months surrounding my 13th birthday. My father was getting increasingly abusive. Emotionally, at least. Anyway, he got out of my life and everything resolved itself. Almost 4 years later and I'm 16 and the biggest anti-suicide nut on the planet, and one day I find myself walking on the sidewalk on the side of an overpass..just looking down..wondering what it'd be like to jump. I've never been more scared in my life. And worst of all, I was scared of myself. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't even sad. I didn't want to die. But yet, those thoughts popped up out of nowhere. I guess my curious brain started going new places. It wasn't fun. So, yeah. I suck at these supportive posts, but I hope I could help. Just to know that you're not alone, and it happens to the best of us.
Wh at u have just said I could have wrote myself .I thought I was the only like it, so u are not Alone. The meaning of life -- to see Everything u loved destroyed. Well that how it seems
Many of us have found that the first step to coping with suicidal thoughts and feelings is to share them with someone we trust. It may be a friend, a therapist, a member of the clergy, a teacher, a family doctor, a coach, or an experienced counselor at the end of a helpline. Find someone you trust and let them know how bad things are. Don’t let fear, shame, or embarrassment prevent you from seeking help. Just talking about how you got to this point in your life can release a lot of the pressure that’s building up and help you find a way to cope.
Thanks. ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 01:45 PM ---------- Thank you. ---------- Post added 2nd Mar 2013 at 01:46 PM ---------- I thought I was alone to...Guess we were both wrong in that.
This is called "Suicidal Ideation"; an abnormal preoccupation with committing suicide, but not necessarily with coinciding feelings of depression or actually wanting to go about the act. This is still a psychiatric condition. It's normal to think about it sometimes (well unusual, but not unhealthy), but if you're thinking about it all the time, then that is cause for concern. I would try to find a therapist. Unlike what most people think, you don't go to therapy just for marriage issues/depression/psychosis, etc. You may have something on your mind that's bothering you. Therapists are good at identifying those kinds of things. Look for a therapist who practices CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), as it is the most effective therapy for conditions such as this (as well as having the most evidence to support it's effectiveness).
