Finally dealing with loss over a decade later.

I've come partially out of the closet recently and the main reason it came to me was through exploration and uncovering a lot of hidden past that I guess just got blocked out.

I've been moderately bisexual since I was 6, when I would find men and women very beautiful creatures. I assumed that homosexual and heterosexual romance can occur at any time, but the homosexual 'race' or w/e you would call it didn't occur very often in my world. I was made to believe that I was a freak.

I became more aware during adolescence that I wasn't as interested women as I was with men but never understood why. I became violent and I had a lot of psychological problems from the stigma that was going around with my peers at the time.

My family is not homophobic, at least not in the sense of being completely ignorant, but more of religious stigma, if at all. My dad's family, who is catholic, still announces their support for gay marriage, regardless of what the bible says, but i'm not sure how they will react to me being gay: probably confusing. :eusa_doh:

I'm rambling, so i'll get on point.

I started having memories from when I was about 10 years old, my best friend Ian from next door and I were closer than you can believe. So close that his mother decided it would be best to move out of town as quickly as possible. I knew that was the case because she caught us holding hands and kissing. It wasn't a frequent occurance, but I remember she got really mad at us once for hiding behind the shrubs and laying together.


Making a long story short we were in puppy-love, and he meant most of my world to me. When he was torn away from me it disturbed me very deeply emotionally. I don't think many 10 year old's have to deal with that sort of emotional stress and trauma, but it basically put me in a shell for the next 15 years and I am now starting to deal with it.

I have a lot of anxiety issues and a tendency to smoke a lot of pot. ._. I know the doctors will tell me ''that's bad for your body, perhaps your brain'' but it aids me in facing my fears in my own mind, and it helps me ease the anxiety, although sometimes it can be a 'rough high' it's still worth the trouble learning my faults and facing fears.

EDIT: I don't think i've been dealing with it in a healthy way. I believe I have a mental dependency on marijuana and i'm not dealing with my current relationship in a responsible way, meaning I've become too attached emotionally to him and that I might be setting myself up for failure.

 

thank you. Yeah, it's not that bad expect for the fact that it can be expensive and not always available. I think it might be a problem because I smoke a looooot~ and i'm high most of the day. I function fine, and the withdraw is not bad at all.

 

I guess this should be in a different thread.

 

I'm sorry about that, and maybe there is a 'void' there and maybe I should just let it run it's course. I'm doing alright as of late. ^_^

 

It's an issue that needs discussed with a councilor, I guess. That was a shorthand, and the psych might need more information. I keep making referrals, but I always chicken out and consistently cancel appointments, which is a major No-Go with them, so I guess I'd better make myself go.

I don't want to and never will otherwise, so ill have to bite it.