Intimate partner violence in LGBT relationships

I don't think it's awkward, I think it is necessary since we are claiming on this forum that we ARE LGBT, so we have to face the music and deal with these accusations. I've heard this before too. You have to admit, and I might get attacked for this but it's the truth, gay/bisexual people usually deal with a lot more psychological issues than your average person, so abusive LGBT relationships isn't all that surprising to me :/

 

I think this site is for support of more than just comming out problems. As for abuse, what can be done about it? Two of my five partners were abusive. Though I have never been with a gay man, but the two that were violent were the two who identified as bisexual. June

 

I believe this topic has a place in this forum, but I am a bit skeptical of the information here. All this article seems to support is the existence of abuse in LGBT relationships, but its claim of higher risk/instances doesnt really make sense.

This basically just says that women are most commonly abused by men. That is definitely true. However, how does this relate to bisexual women rather than any women who begins a relationship with a man? If it said, 95% of violence on women is on bisexual women, then that would make sense. Bisexual women arent at a high risk, women in relationships with men are.

Studies have already showed that violence in the modern world has been become more of a two way street than in the past. However, in most states/countries female violence against men is either not legally discussed and/or is not treated seriously by police. Not to mention, most instances in violence toward men by whatever is never reported.(Shame and such)

Dont get me wrong, I'm not saying that abuse is something that is should be taken lightly in the gay or any other community. Only that these specific beliefs of higher risk dont really make sense.

 

The study showed that bisexual women were more likely to be abused than straight women or lesbians, and that gay men were more likely to be abused than straight or bisexual men. Additionally, in all cases, the perpetrators were most likely to be men--95% of the time or more. I agree that violence perpetrated by women on men is under reported, but not so much so that it would be anything close to even.

I think the most interesting thing is that bisexual women were more likely to be abused (by a man) than straight women, even though straight women are more likely to be in a relationship with a man in the first place. Although it could also be that bisexual women are more likely to report abuse than straight women are.

 

My point was that this is exactly what it doesnt show. There is no doubt that heterosexual women have more cases of physical abuse compared to bisexual women, even if only for the fact that their numbers are much larger. Therefore, these beliefs must essentially be "guessitmates" based on the amount of cases reported by bisexual women and the amount of bisexual women we can assume are in society. Certainly, violence perpetrated by women isnt even with men, but this information would be neccesary to make the claim that gay men are more actively abused than _______ other sexual groups. I'm not saying what is true or false, only that the basis of this article seems flawed.

Yes, I think there is a slight difference. We have even had a few posters on here talk about experiencing sexual abuse as gay men. I think men tend to overall be more tragically accommondating in these situations than women.

 

Me and Nick didn't fight very often when we were together before, but I can say that the couple of times in the past when we really did fight, I felt like it might come to blows at a few points during the exchange.

If either of us throws a punch in the future, I'm sure it will be a fists-flying-rolling-in-the-floor fight at that point. But neither of us so far is willing to throw the first punch in an argument, I guess, so it never comes to that. (I don't see it happening.)

I also think if we did end up fighting like that and Nick threw the first punch, we'd never report it to the police or anything. I wouldn't feel victimized. I'd just acknowledge it as an argument that got out of hand. But if I threw the first punch, I'd feel terrible.

But was there potential for violence in our relationship back when we were closeted in college, and trying to appear completely straight while also secretly seeing each other on the sly? Oh yeah. There has always been an undercurrent of that in our relationship back then whenever we fought because we were just frustrated and paranoid.

 

The three yr relationship I had many yrs ago in AZ basically ended the night we were having a fight (that was happening a lot at this point) and he "cleared" the bathroom counter so hard that things hit the wall and shattered.

This voice in my head just said "That's it. I'm done." I started things in motion to leave the next day. Because if he was going to take things to the point of throwing stuff against the wall, how long before he tried throwing me against the wall? Because if that happened, it could have only ended in one of two ways...

 

I will admit to being guilty of this at various points in our relationship. I wavered violently between pulling him to me, pushing him away in disgust, or being viciously jealous of his girlfriends because even if I couldn't be with him - or felt like I couldn't - I sure as hell didn't want anyone else to be with him either. And I also experienced these things from him to a lesser degree, but because he was a lot more accepting of our relationship than I was, he mostly had to put up with my self-loathing bullshit.

And I'm not proud to admit it (ashamed to admit it, actually) but when he first kissed me there was definitely a moment when I almost hit him. Like hard enough to put him on the ground. Even though it was something I subconsciously wanted. Because it was just such a shock to me, and I was raised so against homosexuality that I was almost horrified to be put in that position. I was even more disturbed that it was a position I wanted to be in.

Every time I think back on it, I can't help but think about this scene:

YouTube[YOUTUBE]22VmzX35pvM[/YOUTUBE]

Society really fucks with gay guys and their feelings. It's amazing any of us get out of it with our sanity intact.

I guess because I consider me and Nick to be pretty much equals in a fight (okay, if it came down to it, he might be able to whip me, just because he works outdoors all day) I'm just not in a position be scared of him even if he did hit me. If we had a physical altercation, I wouldn't feel like it was abuse, or a stronger partner intimidating/overpowering the weaker one. Or at least not in the same dynamic as the whole "beaten housewife" scenario. There's just a different power dynamic between two men in a romantic relationship, at least as far as I can tell. All of the women I've dated have been my inferiors in strength and size. I could have easily beaten any of them. But if I raised a hand to Nick, there's a good chance he would kick my ass around the room for me.

I say that I would immediately fight back if Nick ever hit me, but the truth is I would probably be so surprised I wouldn't know how to immediately react.

Yeah, but is it really that cut and dry? What if someone raises a hand against you that you've been with for a decade? What if emotions were running high on both sides of the argument, and there was shared blame in the escalation of the conflict?

I'm not defending domestic violence at all. Just saying it's not quite as easy as getting one lick and saying, "Hit the road Jack, and don't you come back no more." Or at least it's not for me.

I was beaten several times by my father as a boy (not spanked, beaten, as in with the buckle end of a belt) and not enough to where I would classify it as "often", but enough to where I can remember it happening at various different points during my childhood. I still love him though.

If Nick hit me, I know it would not cause me to love him any less. I know that sounds fucked up, but it's the truth.

 

I guess for me I would be a lot more accepting of domestic violence as a freak incident, versus a habitual problem.

Strangely, my dad is one of the nicest, most generous, most devout men I know. And in most regards he is a very good man. But he definitely took that "spare the rod and spoil the child" thing to heart though.

That being said, while he did beat me and my brother (like I said, not all the time though, because we were fairly good kids) he never laid a hand on my mother in anger not once that I know of their entire twenty-seven years of marriage.

 

I am no expert in this, but first I want to say it is right to talk about it on here which is a safe space for us all.

I have been with my partner for twenty years. He is much bigger than me and also very strong. He has never in all that time raised his fist in anger to me. I think this is because of two reasons, we are both able to express our feelings to each other before it gets too difficult and secondly we do not try and lay the blame for things going wrong on each other.

I believe that violence is the last resort when one or both can not communicate at the level of feelings. Some times violence is a last attempt to stop the argument.

In answer to your point about what signs we should look for I would say that if the other person is unable to communicate at the level of feelings then that should be a warning sign in any relationship of possible violence.

one last point we never go to sleep without first sorting out any disagreement. At times this has meant staying awake for quite a long time before going to sleep