Warning: Long, personal ramble ahead. Read at your own risk. This past Thursday, I was having a fair day, no better or worse than usual, and even after I arrived at my LGBT center, as I try to do every week, I was still feeling alright even playing a game with a bunch of the other attendees before group started and up through the start of the meeting. Though I didn't make an attempt to talk with 'A,' this guy who's been a regular for several months now and I've been slowly getting to know, I figured I'd just make an effort to talk with him later. For that evening, the center planned a creative activity, making plaster masks, and after the person who came to demonstrate how to do it was finished showing everyone that was when I started feeling off. I'm not sure what it was, especially as it's been quite awhile since I last felt so out-of-place there. On the one hand, I noticed that A and this other person, who I've often seen hanging around the former or trying to, were again sitting near each other if not working together [used to think maybe A was just being polite, but they must be connecting in some way if the latter still interacts with him.] On the other, while I didn't really want or have to do the masks, it sort of reminded me of school. Those moments where you had to partner up with someone and my feeling completely left out and alone, perhaps also not unlike what had happened the last time I recall feeling severely out-of-place at the center. When T, the program coordinator, said I needed a partner, I just mentioned I didn't think I'd do it and he asked if I was sure and I said yes, then gathered my things and went in the now, more-or-less, deserted group room. Not long after I did so, he came up to me and asked whether I was alright, where I said that I was fine and then he went back to the group. From there, I managed to get my feelings under control and the rest of the evening less emotionally triggering [even managing to talk with a person or two, and even about volunteer opportunities with the center.] Though as everyone was getting ready to leave, there was at least one, brief, definite moment where I seemed to evade A out of some inexplicable embarrassment. As usual, T was giving me a ride home and surprisingly I was quieter than usual [I've often talked with him on these rides, even about stuff on my mind] with some mixture of tension, numbness, sadness, frustration and emotional exhaustion. As though I felt or was trying to make myself stiff and unemotional. Obviously he could tell something was off and while I did try to talk about how I felt, it was as though I was skirting my actual feelings, as they were in that moment. In particular, he mentioned that he was picking up an 'angry' vibe from me, which was surprising but that I suggested could've been directed at myself. When we got to my house, apart from some impersonal chit-chat about next week's meeting, I basically thanked him for the ride and approached the house. Yet I felt like shit because obviously I was repressing my feelings. But I didn't want to talk with anyone, I just wanted to be alone. It was around this time I started to really let myself go, on the inside. I sat on the back steps of our deck, kind of like how I often did on Winter nights back when we were living at my stepfather's [but enjoyed,] while it was snowing because I wasn't ready to go inside and it seemed oddly soothing. So many thoughts went through my mind: loneliness, my inability to connect with people, hating myself for both of these, suicide [more in the sense of wanting to be dead and imagining it's impact, or lack thereof, rather than desiring the act itself] and everything between. I don't know how long I was out there for, eventually I did tear up and cry silently for a minute or two but sometime after that I went inside. While it was still early, for me, I didn't go back online, didn't watch television or brush my teeth. I just turned off the computer, which my mother left on, and the living room light, took of my shoes and got into bed. Didn't even take off my jeans, hoodie or jacket, it was like I just wanted to be wrapped up in a cocoon, and at some point went to sleep drifting in and out throughout the night. To be honest, I'm still not entirely sure what happened and why. For me, whatever 'causes' I can think of, or suggested, don't seem to justify the results. I hadn't felt so depressed in quite awhile. Though I may've gotten past it, am 'better,' now and I was half-hearted about posting or talking about this with anyone, and as I expected, I'm a bit annoyed that it all passed by as it had. 'Cause nothing was resolved, it's just like the tide went out. Also, I don't know what good there is in my posting it, or why I'm just now doing so, but thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it.
There is a story of warriors from native tribes who, during their formative years, would for a time sit and wallow in ashes, doing nothing. They were left alone and they took the time they needed to let this pass, it was seen as somehow necessary. They didn't give themselves pep talks, they didn't go see their local shaman, it was seen as a kind of necessary step to becoming a man and a warrior. Suddenly a day would come, and the ashes would be wiped away and they would go on to become great warriors. Perhaps it was a kind of mourning for the end of childhood. You call it a tide, which implies some kind of rhythm. It appears to be something you recognize from before...is that the case?
If you do not mind my asking, but does this happen frequently? Like your feeling pretty neutral or overall pretty good but some point in your day can totally flip your emotions on their head leading to these depressive moments? Then within a night's rest or a day or two you feel 'better'?
No, I don't mind at all, though I'll respond to both your posts at once since the questions are related. It has happened before, there've been moments like this before [as far as I can recall more often in the evening and nighttime than not,] but I wouldn't say they happen(ed) with frequent regularity and maybe even that they've been less so in the last year or so. Though usually the 'triggering' seems more explicit, to me, something in direct experience or even read that gets me in a negative, depressed mindset.
I can relate to that, with the triggers ranging from some music I'm listening to, seeing happy people, not feeling apart of groups, etc. Everyone is different in what triggers these depressive moments. One way I try to prevent them is to think positive thoughts or just not overthink the matter. If you have a close friend you can try talking to them, because when I told someone it just made me feel lighter. So, was the trigger in this one instance seeing this guy you've been getting to know? If it is, was it the fact that he was sitting with someone else that made you maybe overthink?
Yes, exactly. I've been triggered by some of the things mentioned like happy people or isolation from groups, even by reading comments online [oddly enough almost never directed at me, personally.] Unfortunately it's a real effort for me to be positive about myself at this point, it can even feel awkward when I'm down and someone tries to compliment or comfort me. Also, I effectively have no friends in person, so far as I define friendship, at the moment. It may've played into it, but I often see him at the center and have talked with him a few times even. And seeing him with this other person has also been a semi-common sight, though they don't necessarily stick together the whole time. If anything, I think what triggered me was some sense of group isolation, the whole thing with A just an addition to it.
Yesterday evening I ended up getting into a depressed state, not as severe as two weeks ago but significant enough that I felt it worth noting. For a good part of my time at the center and during group, I felt like my mood was constantly swerving, to the point where I felt only half-focused on the discussion that was taking place as though I wanted to leave or get away. It didn't help that a little before the meeting started that A arrived and, again, I found myself unable or unmotivated to say anything. I don't know what's going on, just several weeks ago I would've been eager to speak with him and make an effort to do so [even if it didn't come about, I would've felt I at least tried] but now it seems I'm talking to him less and feeling increasingly apathetic about doing so. At one point during the evening, I started questioning whether I really wanted to socialise or become friends with him to begin with, if I wasn't just blowing my vaguely-understood feelings out of proportion. On top of this, I happened to learn that he would be 'aging out' of the group sometime in the near future, so it seems like there's a 'countdown' now as well.... Aside from that, it seemed that I felt overwhelmed by the group. Though there wasn't an 'activity' like two weeks ago, it was like I felt more conscious of the people there, how familiar they seem with one another and, generally, fun and lively they are. By comparison, I feel like a sad, mopey, depressed buzzkill who has no business being around them. It seems impossible for me to actually socialise with other people. Seeing others, lacking a better word, 'happy' can make me awkward and uncomfortable when I'm not, and also skeptical of the idea that anyone could genuinely care about or like me. Just last week, one of the members sort of stunned me with a 'goodbye hug,' yet afterward I partly wondered if it was done out of pity, even though it's not out of character for him to do things like that. And I felt bad for reacting so stiffly and awkwardly to it. On the way home, I did talk about how I was feeling with T at greater length than, again, two weeks ago. To paraphrase, I mentioned that I'm not sure why I'm continuing to come to the center at this point and felt like I want to give up entirely. Afterall, I've been going since the end of last August, and I'm not much closer to anyone there than when I started. While he encouraged me to try getting out of my comfort zone, even just a little, next time I'm just in a mood where I don't even know why I should bother anymore. I'm tired of everything, specifically how difficult [and, in a sense, painful] it is trying to get close to somebody when I don't make an impression on anyone, other than perhaps as someone who is cold and alien to others. If someone says, "Hi, Josh," it seems more because I'm a fixture than anything. I wish I was 'aemotional' sometimes.
