My title caught your eye, I see? That is what I feel like I am. A straight girl who is actually bisexual but physically attracted to guys, only in love with another girl because of her soul/personality. I have been with the love of my life for almost 3 and a half years and have gone through a lot of difficulty with my homophobic family and my vengeful mother. I have dealt with this really well for being a previous homophobic kid and was doing fine until I moved into my apartment recently. All of the sudden, it is like all of these emotions that have been buried inside of me these 3 1/2 years are surfacing. In fact, I didn't even know I felt so scared and sad inside until now. I'm in college, so I basically drowned any doubts I had into working very hard in school and work. But recently I just can't seem to control them anymore. I wake up sad, go to bed sad. I have my soulmate and let me tell you that it is an amazing, incomparable experience when you find then I love this girl with all my heart and soul and would do nothing to hurt her. I know it seems like I have nothing to complain about and I guess I don't, but my problems are as far removed from her as they can be. None of this has anything to do with her or how much I love her. I just feel like I am losing all of my strength with this. My family took the news that I was dating a girl VERY badly, probably not as bad as many people but bad enough for me discontinue my relationship with them countless of times. It doesn't help that I no longer have people that get what I'm going through. The college I attend is mainly lesbian/bi but I still feel so alone. I used to be so non-conformist and brave, basically saying :***: the world. But now, all of my old buried fears are coming back- about how I will never romantically be with a man, how I will spend the rest of my life extremely sexually frustrated, and how I will have to deal with injustice and people looking down on me forever. Don't get me wrong- I love my girlfriend with everything I have and don't truly desire to be with a man. I guess the straight girl inside of me still notices hot guys and likes them. I am sexually attracted to my girlfriend but not like I am with men. I've only slept with one man my whole life and now I just feel like I am missing out on everything people in their early 20s get to do- date, sleep around, have romance. Not that I want that stuff, because I truly mean it when I say my girlfriend is my entire life and I have never came close to loving anyone a speck of how much I love her. I hope this does not come off offensively to anyone, but in my case I wish I was a lesbian- I would feel much more physically/sexually satisfied and I would not feel like I'm missing out. I feel like a stupid :***: for complaining when I have everything I could ever ask for and want, but I need to get this out somehow to someone. My friends don't understand- not that I have time for them since I am always so busy. Recently, things have gotten much worse for me now that people I know are becoming engaged or having kids. It kills me that I won't have that fairytale wedding I have dreamed of as a child- me in a white dress and my family by my side. I know, I know- I can still do that someday to some degree. But it's not the same- people will look down on me and my family would never attend this event, as they have done everything in their power to drive me and my love apart. I just wish I didn't live in such a sexist world, where as a child I was conditioned to believe that a woman's worth lay in who her husband was and that the accumulation to "being a real grown-up woman" consisted of marrying the man of my dreams. Because now I have the woman of my dreams. And the children thing- that is a whole other issue. It is unbearably painful to imagine that I probably will not have kids, at least that are my own. Again, I see how selfish this sounds, I get it. Before it did not bother me as much and I convinced myself I didn't want children- but I do, I really do. I understand I can adopt children. My girlfriend has always wanted kids and it is her life dream to bear children. I cannot face telling her how uncomfortable the whole semination-in-a-pitri-dish thing makes me. It's not that I am against it, but I am very afraid to bring a child into a world where it will be taunted and looked down upon. I'm afraid for myself as well: imagine it. "Congratulations on your pregnancy? how does your husband feel about it; is he excited?" "Um..well, it's my wife and yeah, she's thrilled." That conversation would either be ended right there or, if I was in the South (of America), I'd probably be punched in the face. It's a scary world and not everyone is accepting. It freaks me out- and whose to say my girlfriend and I could adopt children? what if that gets banned eventually? I would be humiliated to marry/have kids with her- I know that sounds terrible and it has nothing to do with her, but I would never be able to invite better yet face my family. They just embarrass me, mock me, and are humilated by me altogether. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and not get up all day.
