I hope this is in an okay section. It deals with a couple things. I'm having some trouble even starting this, as if you saw my post in the WAYT? thread, sharing this type of stuff isn't exactly easy for me. I'd also like to thank those who responded there. (*hug*) Anyways, As of this week, my mom has decided to finally cut me off, and possibly kick me out (she wasn't clear about this). She's kicked me out for short times when I was younger, but this time it could be for good, and I've no clue what I may do. I can't deal with this, when I can hardly deal with myself in a home. This probably sounds stupid, but I NEED at least my phone. It's one of the only ways I can talk to my friends, who are pretty much my everything, and without them I'd probably have offed myself ages ago. I've no job, and with that no money (I've tried so hard to get a job, I don't know why I'm not being hired or even contacted at that!). My mother and mine's relationship has been shat since I was about 12, verbal & emotional abuse, and sometimes physical abuse (choking & hitting and also getting on me and overpowering me so I panic and can't breath, thought not sure if that's really physical) but it wasn't often & I suppose I brought that upon myself at times for not just listening to her. I've also had to deal with her & her bf being alcoholics all my life (and he's done drugs some), and them fight at all hours of night & he'd put me down constantly. It's scared the crap out of me & I've never been able to really ... do anything while her bf is around because of everything he's done and I panic when he's around. They both take me for an idiot, but I can't help it. I also self harm and it's gotten to be too much as of lately ... I mostly cut. I do it about every night I sometimes can calm myself and not do it if I have someone to chat with or listen to Lady Gaga, but it takes a while and I fail most the time. I want to stop, but don't know if I can anytime soon. It just sucks when I worry constantly that someone will see my cuts. Especially if my mother ever did because I don't know what she'd do .... not that it probably will matter soon. :icon_sad: I'm also dealing with my eating disorder, but honestly, it doesn't concern me as much as I know I need to lose the weight. I just don't want to deal with life anymore. It's a pain and struggle to live everyday. I'm afraid for the future, and I'm afraid of the present. I haven't been happy in so long. Sure, I have things happen to me from time to time that make me happy, but once they end the happiness ends. I just don't know what to do anymore. I guess I'll just see what happens. Thank you for reading. (*hug*)
