1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Its All Been a Lie...

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by worldtraveler, Mar 19, 2013.

  1. I don't know why I'm even on here...I guess I'm just tired of being alone and need to vent a little.
    For 23 years (all my life) I have considered myself straight and was happy and content with everything. I have never been good with girls but I was shy around beautiful girls and would get the worst speech impediments. I remember my first crushes...They made my heart beat so fast and strongly that I remember being able to hear it. I found it easy to get aroused to them, and who wouldn't? the female body is a beautiful thing and it was rare when I wasn't thinking about them. I've probably had dozens of crushes on them and was really crazy about one for years. I wish I could have experienced a relationship with one...
    My whole world came crumbling down 3 months ago. I started to get depressed about my viriginity and somehow a loud voice in my head said I was gay. How could I be gay? I've never even had a crush on a single guy or a gay fantasy. It was loud and always shouting. It gave me headaches, made me throw up all the time (i lost 15lbs in about a week), and all sorts of crazy stuff. From there I became depressed and couldn't even go out with friends without getting paranoid.
    It was relentless and evey morning for 3 months I would wake up wondering if I was gay. It couldn't be right I knew it! Slowly I was able to go out in public again and force myself to stop being depressed and try to have some fun. I thought I was going back to normal and I would look into girl's faces and smile, but something wasn't the same. I didn't feel anything anymore.
    The voice, the constantly nagging loud obnoxious thing, was gone. So why wasn't I back to normal? I questioned and I questioned but the deeper I searched for answers the more the barriers that had been kept locked in my head began to break. I learned things from my past that showed I wasn't the person I thought I was. I slowly came to the realisation that I was gay. Somehow Id been decieved or closeted so long that I actually came to the conclusion that I was never straight. It made sense, I had been made fun of being gay and even had gay people and girls question me. I was nothing more then a ticking time bomb. How could I be so stupid :bang:
    All my arousement for women is completely 100% gone. I see a beautiful girl now and know that Ill never feel anything for them ever again and it saddens me. Now all I can do is get aroused to guys and I felt scared the 1st time I tested this out. I couldn't believe it. What I feel for men now scares me more then comforts me. I truly have no desire to be with a man in any sense but maybe with time this will heal but all I do now is hope for a woman who may change me.
    I'm paranoid around guy friends as I see them in a new light and it really ****** me off. I've never had feelings or gotten aroused by them before so why now!? When I try to fantasise now all i can see is...well...other guys and I'm not use to it nor do I like it even if my other head does. I refuse to 'take long showers' as I do not wish to accept this part of me yet. When people touch me, regardless of sex, I jump because I don't know what to feel. I feel I've lied to all my friends and family for my whole life so coming out and saying "Hey I've been gay along" isn't going to go over well I feel. I know alot of my family and friends will accpet me but many I know will not. Some days I can't eat, some days I eat too much, I've lost all will to do anything I use to like, I feel sick and depressed all the time, and I'm constantly obsessing about this. The only time I can feel at peace is when I sleep or play video games. Well I can only do those things so long. I feel like I'm going through puberty again as I can't control my lower half anymore.
    This is crap! To be honest I didn't even really care about my virginity that much and would have been so much more happy being alone and blind to the truth. I have prayed for this (and i never pray) to go away but I know god won't answer me. I don't know what to do.
    I can already hear many of you saying that it was society blinding me but I do not believe this to be the case as I have been a very accepting person and have supported the gay community and my family and friends to my knowledge are also rather accepting. I just never saw myself in the same community.
    I just want to feel normal again. I don't want to obsese anymore. I want my love for my interests back. I want this depression gone so I can take my own dog outside again without wanting to retreat inside. I don't care now if I loose my virginity or meet someone I just want to be me again.
     
  2. Ticklish Fish

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 23, 2012
    Messages:
    3,372
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Internet; H-town
    first of all, welcome to the forum.
    second of all, calm down first so your emotions don't cause you to think or do crazy things (things like looking at porn to figure out sexuality, no lol)

    and lastly, you can try being less obsessed with your sexuality/virginity by pushing yourself to continue your life routine. sometimes figuring who you are takes time. and, you need to give yourself time.
     
  3. Jeff

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2012
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Boystown, CA, USA
    Don't worry to much about sex. Some of us know exactly what we want and can't get that. Or many get sex, but don't feel the love that they desire.

    Be gald that you woke up before you hit 60 years old. Yes, some guys are in their 40s and 50s and suddenly realize that they are gay. But they feel trapped and can't find their way either.

    So take it slow, go look at porn and figure out what you like. It'll all come into focus soon. It does sound like the worst part is over now.
     
  4. Darkru

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    The same thing happened to me. I was always supportive of gays, but I never saw myself as part of it. It wasn't until one of my best friends came out to me that I really started questioning myself. I had gone out with girls and had been really happy. My friend started speaking to me about his feelings and I started realizing that I felt very similar to him. I began to get depressed quite badly because I didn't want to be gay. I tried to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. Eventually I realized that I had to come to terms with it. I went through all the self examination alone and it nearly led me to my own self destruction. It took me a year of denial and anger and depression before I finally came to terms with it and since then I've been happier. It is a hard thing to do, but the first step is self acceptance. I know being gay is a big deal, but is it really the end of the world?
    The best tip I can give is finding a friend to talk to. Find a supportive friend who can help you sort through all your fears to do with this subject. Adjusting, even in your head, to being gay is hard and takes time. We only have a short life though, so we might as well live it. Don't worry about how others think or feel and just do what you think is right. I'm currently a 17 year old teenager trying to come out to my parents. I know what it's like, just as many on this site do. After dealing with this and accepting yourself you will end up happier and more confident than ever before because it is only after hardships that we truly discover who we are and derive meaning from our existence. I know you feel lost and confused, but the only way to help yourself is to accept yourself and start to deal with your life. Best of luck to you and feel free to message me any time. I have faith that you will find your way.
     
  5. Ettina

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2012
    Messages:
    1,508
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Canada
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Have you been seen by a doctor? I'd be worried about a physical problem. That sounds a bit extreme for just stress.
     
  6. Thank you all...and Ettina when i normally am stressed i have anger and can go workout or something to get rid of it but this is my frist time being so depressed that my body just couldn't handle it those first few weeks...
    What ****** me off still is that i notice hot women and hope i still feel something...surprisingly there are rare occasions where my heart races a little but im sure its not real.
    Again its nice to see that there is a community that is actually supportive of our situations.
    I know we will each go our own paths down this difficult road and i think i'm going to take a differen't road then most. Although I know many of you choose to embrace your true selves but I'm not ready nor do i feel I will ever be. I do not want to be with a guy now or ever, not because I'm homophob or anything absurb like that, I just know that I could never be with a guy physically as i desired women for almost a 3rd of my lfe (males in my family dont make it past 70 very often). I have no desire to search up gay porn or even look at porn anymore for that matter and I hope without it that I will be able to focus on my traveling again (i want to see the world). Virginity be damned im going to live my life my way! I'm going back to college next fall and i think focusing on a career path and staying busy is what i need and should do. Ill probably tell my parents and close friends but other then that the world doesnt need to know. Ill check back from time to time to help others and to get help if I need it so please continue to support one another as you have with me.
    Again thanks everyone! :smilewave
    Darku i might just hold you to that email sometime thanks!