Stress?

In the last few years I’ve gone from being fine with being placed “on the spot” and able to respond to a question or give feedback on something to now, where I freeze up if unexpectedly put front and center or without plenty of warning. Sometimes I have to work incredibly hard to find even a lame response that buys some time for the pressure to be removed in order for me to answer proper. My mind goes blank. (If someone’s referenced a movie you don’t know but pretend to think of the name or if you are asked a ridiculously hard math problem and you pretend to be working it out but feel empty, that’s the feeling. Trying and failing to fill that silence.) I rather walk away when my mind does this to me but I fight through it. I was wondering if this could be caused by stress. In general, not by the question. As I said, I used to be okay. It seems weird to…devolve.

By the stress messing with me: Am I freaking out that I will start to blurt everything out maybe? I can’t tell.

 

I think it's the stress causing the speech issue. Something sure is. The speech thing just seems to embarrass the crap out of me.

 

Combination. Finding the words, getting them to actually come out of my mouth, some stuttering, and definitely some words being combined. (That part is sometimes cool though.) I mix myself up, too. And I know I’m embarrassing myself so that gets me further flustered.

The stress is that I was kind of forced into a lie that has grown way too big but I can’t fix it. I’m being questioned on it more and more so I have to give vague answers with more lies mixed into them. I’m sick of it and only just now realizing it has me stressed. Makes my chest hurt a bit when I think about it all or am questioned. (It has to do with school, but that's a sub thing at this point in terms of importance.)

 

…How school is going. I don’t go to school. I haven’t since I was sixteen. Actually, I think I was still fifteen. I quit. I graduated, but I still quit. My dad doesn’t even know. He thinks I have taken a class or two or three but am on a huge ass break. He's definitely right, but his knowledge suggests only a year or so. Not over four. It seems silly that I can’t just tell everyone "No! I have never taken a college class in my life! Stop asking!” but I can’t. I can't even explain why. I just push it all away again and sometimes think that just having one friend my age to burst out to with the truth would be enough to help me out. So I guess this is my main problem. Figures.

 

I don't know that ashamed is the right emotion, i'm content not doing school, but know i need to and all that. Probably for that second question. I all ready get the guilt trip for not being active in school. Right down to "can’t retire until you’re through". This was somewhat playfully refreshed in my brain over the weekend. Not in a mean way, but it doesn't have to be mean with my conscience.

 

So I can eventually get a better or at least a secondary job. And so I can actually say "yeah, I finished all requirements for graduation" and mean it and not worry about graduation ceremony things. That was the new question recently. "When's graduation? What year are you?" Plus pressure. Even though I am youngest I was supposed to be the first to complete school. Yup, I’m a mess lol.

 

Oh my god I am being a people pleaser. That’s so weird. Half the time I’m my own and the other half I turn into a pleaser.

 

Lol What are they made of?

Thanks for talking this out with me. (*hug*)

 

Yeah…such is the life of Wolfie. Could always be worse though.

 

Very well said. I'm feeling a bit better now after my confession.