I am a Self Injurer. I cut myself with razor blades. I do this purposely. It's an addiction I've been working on for the past 6 years. It's on again and off again. Most days are really great and I get through them with no problems. But for some reason, today was a bad day. I want to cut more than I have in a while. And I know what my trigger is. Kasey. My douche of a soon-to-be ex husband. He cheated on me and beat me, and the day I caught him cheating, he went and filed for divorce. And as if this wasn't bad enough, we had a son together. He is 2 months away from being 2 years old. I have main custody, but his dad gets visitation. His dad called to ask if we could move things around, but I told him no. I think the reasons I want to cut are: I am beating myself up for letting him get away with beating me. (i asked the judge both times not to punish him) I am angry with him because he did me so dirty. He cheated, left, and tried to paint me as the bad parent. I am worried that I won't be a good mother. I am screwed up, and I know I am. I'm doing the best I can, but sometimes it's just overwhelming. I don't want to admit it to myself, but a small part of me misses him. Not the beating, but the laughing, snuggling, kisses, I do miss. I think that's just me missing the good times. I am lonely. I want someone to kiss, hug, and snuggle with. I try to carry what feels like the weight of 50 men and be strong, but I don't think I'm that strong. I am upset because I know he's in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with, and I'm just out here on my own, by myself. I know I need someone to be happy, and I know that's not okay. I am mad because I had to move back in with my mom and dad, and therefore gave up my life of being an independent mom, can have people over whenever I want. I can't do that at my mom and dad's house. I am confused because I LOVE my job, but i only can work 2 days a week. (one day is 6 hours and the other is 12 hours) and I know I need more money and I need to live on my own, but I anything I want to do, I need a degree or a certificate to do, and don't have the money to go to school. Basically, I'm just a whole hurricane of emotional and stressed and lonely. And it's not fun. His dad did drugs all the time, and he still does do them. And there wasn't anything I could do to get his visitation taken away. So I still have to put up with him, his mother (who tries to act like my son's true mom), his dad (an ex-cop who's a dick), and his pot head brother (literally sells pot from their house), his younge r brother and sister. It's just too much. I know i HAVE to be strong. Because I KNOW my son doesn't need to be in their environment permanently. He'll wind up addicted to drugs just like everyone else in that family. I know this. But it's just so hard to stay strong and ALWAYS do the right thing. I've just got all this piled on me and I feel like I'm suffocating and everything's spinning out of control. And I am just lost. Lost, alone, wanting to be the girl I was 5 years ago, being taken care of by my mom and dad. I know I can't go back to this because I am a mother now and I have my little boy to take care of. But it's just alot for one person to have to deal with. :/ I know there's "methods" to do like ice, or snap a rubber band, but I won't be satisfied with any of those unless I know I made a cut, and I can see it bleeding. any advice? :tears:
In the long term, you're going to have to see a counselor to work through the underlying causes that make you want to self-harm. In the short term, it will help to develop more effective coping mechanisms. If you need to see blood, you could try drawing on your skin with a red pen or marker, but it's easier to stop the urge before it starts. I could usually tell when the urge was coming on before it hit full force. When that happened, I would go to one of my coping mechanisms immediately. I'd breathe deeply, eat an orange, or run cold water over my hands. If that didn't work, I'd call a crisis line and tell them I was approaching crisis, and they could often talk me down before I hit full crisis. But again, that only works in the short-term. Counseling is what will help you recover from your symptoms rather than simply manage them.
Get away from that guy, seek help and believe you can get through this, because you can. *hugs* If you ever need to talk, feel free to message me
