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Differences in sex drive etc.

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by NewView78, May 13, 2013.

  1. NewView78

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    So I recently came out (5 months or so ago) and immediately got into my first gay relationship. The relationship was the reason why I finally accepted the fact that I was gay and gave me a reason to come to terms with it, and to come out of the closet.

    I have been dating the man of my dreams now for the past 5 months, and overall I couldn't be happier. However, there are many things I am finding that go against what my previous, albeit naive idea of what being gay meant. These are the things that most recently have come with my BF that I don't know how to handle.

    1.) My sex drive is much higher than his. We're averaging 3 times a week, but I thought it would be everyday, may 2 or 3 times a day. We've spoken about it several times, and he assures me that it has nothing to do me, it's just that he is good with just a couple of times a week. I struggle with not taking this personally, even though I believe what he is saying. Has anyone else had this issue?

    2.) My BF isn't all that in to anal sex. We've had it several times over the past 5 months, but not recently. We recently spoke about it, and he said that for him, he's fine with having anal sex very infrequently as it is uncomfortable to him. Again, I believe him when he tells me this, but I also take it personally as if he weren't interested in me.

    3.) How you do balance your needs with those of your partner? I like sex more often than he, but I don't want him to feel as though that's all that I ever want or that that is all that I'm attracted to in him.

    The good news is that we have been able to talk to each other about these things, but I still feel unsure as this is a completely new ball game for me. I still don't know what I don't know if that makes sense. Can anyone shed some light on these items?
     
  2. BMC77

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    Disclaimer: I've never had a relationship, and I've never had sex--at least with another (non-imaginary) person.

    That said:

    1. Sex drives naturally vary. Thus, it's entirely possible a guy will be happy with 3 times a week, regardless of how much he loves his partner. If I were in this position, I wouldn't force my boyfriend to have sex with me. I'd rather sex once a week, with passion and desire, than every night a mechanical "I've got to do this to please my boyfriend who has a sky-high sex drive!" On the off nights, I could masturbate. I've gotten pretty good at that, having been single all these years.

    2. A lot of gay men don't like anal sex. Never having had sex myself, I can't say for sure about myself, but I can say that right now anal is pretty much dead last in what I'm interested in. I think I could never experience it, not even once, and be happy.

    No idea how to balance these issues. But balancing is something every couple probably has to do to some degree.

    One final thought: at least for me, sex would only be a part of the relationship. Given a choice between:
    A. A great guy, but flawed sex life
    B. A sex life that makes a porno flick look like holding hands, but nothing else in the relationship
    I'd go with A every time. But then, I'm an old fogey...
     
  3. nydtc

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    I have dealt with both #1 and 2.

    I think if you are talking about it - that's a great thing. You might have to "adjust" you sex drive with your partner. For many of us late comers we are so used to being alone that we forget that a part of a relationship is compromise - even when the relationship is good.
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    My last ex and I were a couple over 4 years and we probably did anal maybe 7 or 8 times. He liked oral and the few anal experiences were horribly painful for me so I did not push it. I took it personal as well and lost interest in him fast. He also was very abusive to me, 6 months into the relationship I fell in love with someone else. In his case he would rather have oral like your guy maybe 2 or 3 times a week. He used to tell me I would appreciate it more by getting it less. So for some guys it is normal.

    My current partner has a supercharged sex drive. He just went to work at 4:30 and since 9 this morning we had a morning session and a early afternoon one too. When he gets home I am sure he will again be in the mood. So for him 2 to 3 sessions a day is normal and each session he finishes twice always. I love getting it that often from him as we have a great time, so I am happy as pie because I also have a supercharged sex drive! Each man is different in the amount of sex he needs. My ex is 6 years younger than my current man so age seems to make no difference. I think having a similar sex drive is important in a relationship because one is going to be unhappy. By the time I had been with my ex for a year, I had this big complex thinking I had lost my touch. Then he gave me to his best friend growing up for a weekend and we had wild sex for days and I then knew nothing was wrong with me, but him.

    So if you can deal with his low sex drive because everything else is great, than just enjoy what you get. If it is a deal breaker, then talk it out and try to compromise or move on. Just keep in mind if he is like my ex, then it has nothing to do with you or your sexual abilities. Good luck! June
     
    #4 June Cleaver, May 13, 2013
    Last edited: May 13, 2013
  5. Gen

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    Relationship definitely require compromises, as has been said a few times above. Though I would like to include and stress the fact that you shouldn't been the only one compromising...

    Its easy to consider this situation more in the favor of your partner than yourself, because you wouldn't want to pressure him into having sex when he doesn't want. However, personally, I have a flexible sex drive. I would be comfortable with 2-3 times a week, 5 times, etc(Though if it were a daily think I probably wouldn't everything everyday, maybe one thing one day, something a bit different on another). It is very likely that the sex drive of my partner will be higher than mine. Truthfully, I would prefer it to be. Why? Because the main objective in having sex, at least for me, is pleasing my partner.

    Our personal sex drives should not be the sole factor in our decisions to be intimate in a relationship. If I was simply having sex to stop myself from being horny, I could masturbate and save time. Sex should be more about your partner than yourself, because if that is the mutual case than things will balance out in the end.

    Long story short, while two or three times a day, every day, is a little crazy and some of us might to whip out the wheelchairs after a few days, it isn't quite a compromise if only one side is giving up something. Having sex too frequently might be a bit much for him, especially considering that I don't believe you two have had to much experience under your belt. However, its important that not only you try to be respectful of his lesser sex drive, but that he tries his best to increase his desires and mood to as much as he can to satisfy you as well. Best of Luck, Regardless! ^_^
     
  6. AKTodd

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    As others have said, sex drives can vary a lot from guy to guy. I've been in relationships where the sex was happening at least once a day and was fine with that. And where it was a once a week thing and been fine with that. And a once a month thing and was mostly fine with that. Then again I've always masturbated a lot and tend to see masturbation as just more convenient all around if all I want to do is get off. Sex with another is kind of an experience in itself IMHO, in some ways less pleasurable than masturbation but in other ways more so. I don't see it as a replacement as some apparently do.

    If the issue is you taking it personally, meaning as a comment on your performance or technique or whatnot, then I'd say don't. If the issue is that you really want to have sex more than he does, then you should talk and try to work out a compromise that works (and is fun) for both of you. Part of that compromise might be you making up some of the difference on your own time (so to speak). Or maybe figuring out some things you could do that you would enjoy but that he would REALLY enjoy so that he's more into doing it more.

    Again, this is a thing that varies from guy to guy. Some guys love anal, some couldn't care less, and some really dislike it lots. Your guy seems to be toward the 'don't much care for it' end of the spectrum. When you say he's uncomfortable, do you mean physically or mentally/emotionally with it? Physically might lend itself to some changes in technique or something, mentally not so much.

    Again the moral here is: Don't take it personally.


    Pretty much do what you've been doing: Talk it out and work out a compromise you can both live with. Maybe you don't do it as much as you'd like but a bit more than he's generally into. Maybe you have your current avg but arrange 'sex weekends' where you pretty much make the whole weekend about sex (can you beat your personal best from last time?) and only break for rest/food/water. Or something.

    The main thing is to talk about it and approach the issue with open minds and hearts.

    Todd
     
  7. Foxface

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    When I do marriage therapy I always reflect back to the three c's

    Calm, Compromising, Conversation.

    1. Calm - You have to both be open minded with each other personally. Talk when you are calm. If need be, set some random time to turn of the computer and TV and turn down the emotions and discuss. Each of you say without regard, what it is you seek.

    Then you...

    2. Compromise - talk about what are good reasonable, logical steps you can take to feed each other without gorging. Make it concrete and agreeable.

    and then finally you have a...

    3. Conversation - discuss how the compromise made you each feel. Look again to see if the compromise was practical.

    This is such a simple device and it can take any relationship to an area much closer to truth

    good luck

    Foxface
     
  8. hiddenxrainbows

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    Well I'm not a guy or in a gay relationship, so I can't really say anything about the anal situation, but I still am in a similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for ten months. We used to have sex all the time, but now it only happens a few times a week. His sex drive has went down after a while, while mine's stayed relatively the same the whole time. And it's weird, considering the stereotypes about how guys are hornier than women :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: lol

    I know how you feel about it, though. We've talked about it a few times, and he says the same things as your boyfriend. But I still take it kind of personall, like I'm not good enough or doing something wrong. But I've always had low self-esteem like that. It also makes me kinda sad because I want to have sex more often, but am not gonna force him to. Plus there's also the fact that when we're hanging out, I wanna spend time with him, so I'm not just gonna randomly go into another room to masturbate, if he doesn't want to have sex. So whenever stuff like that happens, I often feel kinda blue balled, which is annoying.

    And while we have talked about it a little bit, we haven't really compromised on it or anything yet. I've just been trying to ignore my hormones half the time, at least for right now.