Greetings folks, This evening, there is a small round Band-Aid where a prominent vein is on my arm, and a tiny wound on my left index finger. Some of you will already know what this means: that I was tested for STDs, including HIV. I went to a clinic in the Gay Village, when the sun was just setting on the colorful displays and decorations that are set up on that part of St. Catherine street, each spring and summer. Fortunately, I tested negative for HIV (determined by rapid antibody test) and the results for increasingly prevalent and hard-to-treat diseases like gonorrhea will be available in a few days (I don't have any of the known symptoms, but I learned that roughly 50% of those infected are without symptoms). I was given the choice of doing the HIV test first, or last. I chose to do it first, the suspense was killing me. A few minutes later, when I walked into the room with the nurse and the counsellor, the nurse was smiling and she immediately showed me the small plastic well containing the reactants that would have turned dark if there were any anti-HIV antibodies present in my blood. The well was white, no spot. I sat down, took a deep breath and said a silent prayer of relief. I had resisted doing this for too long, but now, with the prospect of a beautiful relationship with an incredible guy, with finally being free of a bad marriage, I knew this had to be the next step. As some of you may have read in one of my blogs, I had already laid out my former behaviour in the last few years before accepting that I am gay; involving hookups and visits to saunas. My wife and I had ceased to have any sex whatsoever, and the hunger wouldn't go away. It did disappear however when I came out to myself and resolved to build a relationship with a guy in the near future. Given that my sister has full-blown AIDS, I took no chances during this period, insisting on condoms at all times without exception, but it is only safer sex, and I had not been tested in over 8 years...(for insurance purposes at the time). I did not have and still do not have any idea how I would have reacted to a positive HIV finding. I wonder if I would have shared this with you, dear friends. I'd like to think I would have, after the initial shock. Sharing it with you would have been the right thing to do because although my story nowadays is one of hope and of a bright future; free from the constraints of a closeted life and the prospect of a deep love, I would have been less than honest with you, dear friends, and I would have done you a disservice by giving you the illusion that all is easy in gay life. A positive HIV test would have been like ripping the needle off a vinyl record, the music would have just stopped. And I would have fallen into the vortex of treatments, medical care, and having to tell others...including my boyfriend and my family. So this was my rite of passage into the difficulty of gay life. Curious that such things often involve the spilling of a little blood, (e.g. ritual circumcision) symbolizing some kind of commitment to living within a certain framework. I am gay, and because of this fact, I will need to be tested regularly. The counsellor told me that the latest statistics show a definite uptick in the number of new HIV cases among members of committed couples!. He had no explanation, but they have some ideas, including sexual incompatibilities (e.g. couples with two tops, or one versatile and one top, etc.). I urge you all to have yourselves tested regularly, yes, it is scary, it can change your life, but it is far scarier not knowing, and deeply troubling to the soul to linger in uncertainty.
When I became sexually active years ago, it was a while before I actually went and got tested. I was very fearful of finding out that I may have contracted HIV. Additionally, I was maybe less motivated to get tested considering the fact that I had been playing "safe". But finally I made an appointment at the county health department. I was definitely nervous and didn't know what to expect. The counseling session, however, calmed me down. The counselor was non-judgmental and supportive. He seemed to have a lot of experience dealing with the "MSM" demographic. After that came a urine sample and a couple of painless jabs. Then I was headed home with my bag full of condoms and lubricant. About a week later I called and got my results as they came due. Everything was negative. I could finally say with confidence that I was NEGATIVE. I'll probably go back sometime in the next few months. Just do yourselves and your partner(s) a favor and get tested!
One further point... There is a lot of information and research out there and online on the symptoms of HIV infection. But so many of these can just as easily be explained by just living. For the past 6 years or so, I have had some slight psoriasis on my hands, elbows and feet, which is perfectly under control with topical medications (working for a dermatologist didn't hurt either). But I found literature showing some correlation...drove myself to distraction thinking that this condition was somehow linked to HIV, as it was concurrent with my sexual activity. Every infection, flu, last week's strep throat (fever, night sweats and all) suggested to me that maybe there was a possible link to HIV. I drove my family doctor crazy, without telling him everything about my sexual behaviour, because I thought he could find something of concern other than the normal problems of aging.... Now that I know I am negative, the doubt has been lifted, and I am truly relieved. If, for no other reason than peace of mind, get yourself tested. It is the only way to be sure.
Glad the test was negative! I am disturbed, however, by the rise of HIV with "committed" couples... Perhaps I should plan to stay single. I don't think I can deal with a cheating partner, and I definitely don't need or want the headache of dealing with HIV.
The way I see it, if I'm doing it with someone, unless the intended outcome is kids, condoms will be used. Too many unpleasant things can happen otherwise, even if both are healthy.(I don't want E. Coli in/on my parts, or my partner's parts, and back there is it's natural environment)
