Sexual Incompability

I don't think top or bottom should define whether a relationship can work. If he is more active than you tell him to jack off or something. Masturbation relieves sexual desire; I would go crazy without it.

Sex is important but not that important because you could have sex with many different people but you can't love many people.

I think 3-4 times enough should be enough for him, I have a ridiculously high sex drive and that seem sufficient( I could go for sex two to three times a day if I had the option). So I wouldn't really worry about it, that seems adequate to me, and high enough for any happy couple.

If you are going to bottom you have to want to otherwise obviously it is going to be crap. If your boyfriend can't finish before you can take anymore than maybe he just needs to warm up before you guys go at it.

I think it's good your taking the initiative but take it from a very sexually concerned person that 3-4 times a week is good, try to do it more from time to time but you are doing fine.

Let your boyfriend know you are trying and that maybe he can meet you half way on your sex goals.

This is all from a very horny 23 year old; my drive has only increased with age, that you are doing fine.

I couldn't imagine someone hornier than me almost without crossing border line creepy; I pretty much am ready to go any time I have to be pretty pissed off or sick to not be horny.

Try complimenting him more just often on how he looks if you think are worried about the attraction thing, if he is actually good looking I doubt he needs to be reassured but it can't hurt.

I can't 100% relate because I am on the high drive side, but I can at least give you a perspective similar to your boyfriend.

Everyone is different, so masturbation may not satisfy him like it does with me; I basically need to blow to fall asleep every night.

So take it from a really horny guy 3-4 times a week is plenty.

* Be warned I am still pretty much in the closet to a lot of people, didn't date majority of my life, and had about only 4 sexual encounters a year from like 17-23. So I am used to being alone and jerking it; unfortunately, therefore my priorities may be different than your boyfriends. I am happy to have someone to talk to, and sex really isn't that important to me as much as getting off is.

 

Well, you have a few options. You can perhaps try to meet in the middle some more - perhaps get him off with options other than anal. Or he can try to "take up the slack" with masturbation. Or you can talk about potentially opening the relationship up to whatever degree you might feel comfortable with. Would you be open to him "camming" with other guys? Or meeting them? There's nothing wrong with saying you're not, but it's something to consider.

Lex

 

Your situation, in many ways, sounds like the situation with my partner and I. We've actually worked our way through it, for the most part, so there is hope.

In our situation, just for context, I was the one who wanted more sex more often. I could go 4-5-6 times a week while my partner is more of a once or twice kinda guy. Seems like a big gap, right?

First, your partner needs to recognize that anal isn't the be all and end all of sex. Oral sex is still sex, mutual masturbation is still sex. If he defines a successful sexual encounter as one where he tops you, and he wants that every day, it's not going to work. He also needs to recognize that when you aren't in the mood, this isn't a rejection of him. It has nothing to do with him or your feelings about him. I know from experience that it can be really hard to not take this personally, and you will have to reassure him a lot, but eventually, he needs to get over it. See, for many of us with high libidos, it's hard to imagine why our partner wouldn't want to have sex with us unless they are not attracted to us or are angry, etc. We just don't really have entire days or three day periods where we 'don't feel like having sex'. It's a foreign concept, and it can be a little hard to grasp. But he needs to grasp it if this is going to work.

Now, you are in a relationship with a high libido person. No offense to the second poster in the thread, but telling your partner to 'go masturbate' is terrible advice. Nothing could make him feel more rejected. He does need to learn to take care of himself sometimes and not bug you every single day. But once he's tried to initiate sex, or you two have been intimate and he's horny, don't blow him off like that. At least cuddle with him and help him out (jerk him off a little or suck on it a little). You don't have to get off yourself to have some fun and help him out. Honestly, the realization that my partner didn't need to get off every time we fooled around was one of the biggest positive developments in our sex life. It took a lot of pressure off of him, while still keeping me satisfied.

A few other tips - on feeling like you are 'teasing' him. Try to work out something that means 'I want to have sex'. As in, I used to feel like every time my partner and I started making out on the couch, it should end with an orgasm. He didn't. So, now we've basically got to the point where I know it's not necessarily a sexual initiation until he grabs my dick. That's like.. the 'go' signal.

- if having an orgasm inside your ass is really important to him, and you can't do it for long enough to make that happen - get him close FIRST with oral and mutual, and then when he's a few minutes away from climaxing - then he can start fucking you, cum, everybody wins.

- you are having trouble with pain during anal - and you mention anxiety, I think that's really the main issue. anal used to really hurt for me because I wasn't relaxed. try to do some deep breathing, yoga, or meditation (these practices release the same relaxing chemicals in your brain as valium or xanax, with none of the side effects. -- great anxiety medicine) beforehand, or even on a regular basis. next -- make sure he takes it SLOW, sometimes guys think they can go from insertion to jackhammering within a few minutes, and that's not always possible. Get him to put it in slowly, a little bit at a time, andw ait until you become comfortable before going further, or speeding up the stroking. Another thing that it might be is the depth of the insertion or stroke. I know, for me, I get pain when my partner thrusts really hard and really deep at the same time. So basically, if he's jackhammering away, we try to stick to a position that doesn't allow for very deep penetration, and if he's going deep, he has to go slower. Learn what it is that causes you pain, and what you can do to work around it. Also, playing with toys when you are alone, or even with your partner, as long as you are in control of the toy, and it's depth of penetration and speed of movement is essential. It can help you to learn what works for you and what doesn't.


Hope that helps!

Open realtionship is always an option as well, but I think that you and your partner need to work your own stuff out a little bit more before opening things up. Trying to fix the problems in your relationship by bringing others in is a bad idea, IMO. You should only bring others in when you two are both feeling safe and secure in the relationship.

 

You mention that there have been times when you enjoyed bottoming. Is this just a random occurrence or can you point to specific circumstances that led (or that you think might have led) to you enjoying the experience? If so, or if you could do some 'research' into this area, perhaps you and your partner could replicate those circumstances on a more regular basis?

Certainly if you are experiencing pain (and the pain from anal going wrong can be intense, I know) that is going to generate anxiety. Which is going to make you tense, which is probably going to make it more likely you will feel pain, and around the mulberry bush we go again.

In terms of 'helping your partner out', he really does need to learn that 'sex' does not only equal penetration. One way you might teach him that is to expose him to the possibilities for pleasure via other means. For example, you could try edging him. I had a guy do this to me once in college and it was one of the most intense experiences I've ever had (not sure I even knew what edging was at that point). In particular, there is the control factor of taking someone right to the edge of finishing and then changing or reducing stimulation so that they can't finish. Wash, rinse, repeat for a bit and in the right way and you may have your guy literally begging you for release. Which you can then give him...eventually.

Whether as something to 'help him out' when you don't want to get sweaty with him or as an alternative to anal, this might be an option. And if he finds it sufficiently pleasurable, perhaps his urge for anal with ease off a bit...

On a more intimate but less sexual note, you might also look into massage (erotic or otherwise). A good backrub or full body massage can feel wonderful even if it never becomes sexual. And it can be very intimate, especially if you want to set the mood with lighting, music, or whatever. If you've never tried a massage from a licensed therapist, I highly recommend spending the money of a visit to 2-3 different ones (they all seem to do things a bit differently) and both trying it out and perhaps taking 'mental notes' on what happens to try with your guy later. Or maybe you both go and practice on each other.

Just a thought or two,

Todd

 

When I read this the other day, I couldn't help but feel that there were two issues here. One is common and has to be addressed by most couples at some point in their relationship. The other issue is much more complex.

Most people would say that 3-4x times a week for a relatively new relationship between two men in their 20s is on the more frequent side. With the demands of a career and life in general, it is hard to find the time and energy for sex, so most couples would be happy to be able to say they were able to have sex this often.

And there's ample advice that we can give for learning to enjoy to bottom or how to negotiate about how is in what position when.

This is where it gets much more complicated.

Your boyfriend equates an emotional interaction with physical interaction. This is a very common attitude in young males and it is something that women complain about all the time. You'll commonly hear women complain that they wish their male partners would talk to them more instead of just viewing them as semen receptacles. The men complain that their female partners aren't as interested in sex and that when they come home from a long day at work, they don't want to talk.

You'll commonly hear guys say, "My girlfriend came over while I was watching TV and cuddled up next to me. Great! That means we're going to have sex!". The woman would say, "I just wanted to cuddle and pay attention to each other. I was okay with having sex but it's really the affection and talking that was the most important to me."

As same sex relationships become more common and visible, these sorts of innate differences will be played out just like they are in heterosexual relationships. In your relationship, your boyfriend has a very traditional view that sex is how to express intimacy. Your viewpoint is more that communication and closeness is where you are able to express your feelings and this is enough to confirm your closeness to each other.


Instead of just focusing on what you do and how many times a week you do it, maybe the real issue is the difference in the way that each of you views intimacy and what it means to express that intimacy?