Obsessed with suicide

It is worth seeing a doctor. You're worth saving. I know how you feel, I've been through it as well. It gets better. But there are things you can do to make it get better faster. You can get therapy to try and work through your feelings regarding your sexuality, and you can get antidepressants. And you can talk to a friend. Tell your boyfriend, he may well have been through the same thing in the past, and he's unlikely to judge you for having a hard time. But whatever you do, don't decide that you aren't worth saving.

 

Don't commit suicide if you're depressed, if that makes sense. And don't do it by overdose, of all things. At least get some carbon monoxide or jump of the golden gate bridge.
The best time to commit suicide is when you feel happy and such and such. You can commit suicide once you stop feeling like shit. You don't want to end life on a sour note, at very least.

 

Suicide isn't the answer. Luckily, I didn't have to experience it for me to realize it. Seeing your doctor, or talking to a therapist will help, but the only person that can really cure you is you. You may need guidance at first, but no medicine will be as effective as stopping it by yourself. That's in my opinion at least.

Being gay is one of the best things that happened to me because my depression started before I even realized, and actually it got so much easier when I did find out. It gave me hope, it allowed me to resist the forces that wanted me to throw everything away, and this was when I was 12. It may seem like a long time, but on a scale 12 years is nothing, and if I had decided to actually go ahead and finish, either of the two times I tried it, I would have regretted it so much. I kept telling my self that one day I'll be with a caring, loving man and I won't have to worry about the bad things. It's always been my dad that's made me feel so suicidal.

Now he's the least of my worries.

 

You're profile says you live in Dublin. I'd advise giving pieta house a try - if you ring them and tell them what they told us they will give you an appointment in a week or so. I've been going to them and they're really good (and free) and have a few centres around Dublin. Calling them the first time can be scary but it's worth it.
I was worried that my problems weren't bad enough to get help for, but honestly, every mental health or medical professional I've spoken to treated this kind of thing seriously. In my experience, it is best to look for help sooner rather than later, before things escalate further. Any doctor or counsellor would take suicidal ideation seriously.
If you need to speak to someone right away, then the Samaritans can be good. They have a text service too if you are too nervous about calling (it can takes few hours for them to reply though)
Look after yourself.

 

Yeah, but you don't commit suicide when you're happy, do you?

 

I'd advise you to try to be as truthful as possible - the more they know the better they can help. Unless you tell them that you have an immediate and serious plan to kill yourself and intend to carry it out, then as far as I know they aren't even able to break confidentiality, let alone hospitalise you. (And I know for a fact that my friend told the college counsellor that he had had serious thoughts of killing himself and wasn't hospitalised because of it). I've talked to my college medical service about recent self harm and suicidal ideation - I suppose they might count me as a risk to myself but when I told them my worries they said that hospitalisation is extremely rare.

 

Thought so. I was just checking.

 

A key to this is getting it "talked out" with someone .. to get it to stop just being a corrosive thought stuck in your head.
You've got supportive parents you can talk to about this.
And a boyfriend to talk to.
If none of the above seems possible .... maybe there will be one special friend or relative you can discuss this with?
The doctor appointment is very important. Just say openly how you feel and why .. as it will be confidential and they can guide you on your options.
There are some EC guidelines somewhere on this site for people thinking about suicide

 

I've been in the same place. See a therapist. Trust me they help so much, I got started up on some anti depressants (prozac). And I go to therapy once a week. I feel so much better.

 

I used to have the exact same feelings, and I most likely would have done it if my sister didn't have a kid when I was 18(she was 23 and lived at home) because of the affect it would had on my niece and parents. I figured that I could just stick through life for their sake, because in the end if you are willing to throw your life away you should be willing to just live for your loved ones sack because even if life doesn't matter to you, it matters to someone you love, and you should never take away from someones meaning in life.

You may be depressed it may be just because you are gay(I mean chemically depressed because of course you are depressed).

I told my boyfriend the feelings I had and he was ok with it. It actually was one of the first things I made sure he knew about me before things got more serious. If he is gay which I bet you he is, then he should have some understanding of what you are going through. Everyone handles things differently and takes things differently but that doesn't mean they can't understand another ones point of view.

It is hard having these feelings because they can impede your progress at getting better. Because while you are depressed and suicidal, you are continuing to get worse and worse by not doing anything about it. I haven't gone to therapy as I feel I will only be told the same shit I can get here for free, and that people delude themselves into accepting therapy when it doesn't really help, but it just may work for you.

You may just need to talk things out, I find I feel 100% better if I go to a forum online and just spew my guts.

Planning things isn't the worse sign, I have read that most suicides are spontaneously thought about; though people who commit it had thoughts of it in the past. The actual "plan" never goes through. I had a really thorough plan that basically got me through highschool and up until the point I am at now. I didn't want my body to be found, and wanted it to be quick and painless, so I was going to jump off a cliff up North into rapids; I had been camping around that area a couple times and checked out on google maps how far down and deep it gets so I figured I could drive up there walk for a couple hours then do it.

This was my plan for 5 years, after a while of having that plan, it kind of became my comfort zone, because whenever I was having a bad day I could always know that it wouldn't last forever or I at least had some control over my life; which is why I think I have suicidal thoughts in the first place. It has kind of disappeared now though that I am actually trying to do something with my life. But the thoughts do come back every once in a while.

It is a very annoying feeling wanting to die, because there is always that part of you that doesn't want it, so it can be conflicting to have both emotions taking over your body. My suicidal ideas came the most at night before I would go to bed, I pretty much dreamed about killing myself every night for 10 years straight, and it would legit help me get to bed, and waking up was just the worst because I was still alive. That feeling is horrible, and you can't really describe it in words properly or at least in English, so I know exactly how you feel.

I find searching for triggers of your suicidal thoughts and removing those from your life can help it. I stopped hanging around friends that are homophobic, and quit an actual decent well paying job because I couldn't take the comments. And though I have less money, my mind is a lot healthier because I don't have to deal with that daily. Though my new job isn't 100% better I at least don't have to hear homophobia daily. School was also a trigger for me because of what my peers and even teachers would say, so I basically dropped that and did it else where(highschool I mean) and even though I wasn't graduating with my friends and class and was falling behind my mind was a lot healthier because I didn't have to deal with comments. So what I am getting at here is look for triggers or negative sources in your life and remove them, I had to give up my education and money but in the end I most likely would've killed myself if I had gone to university right out of highschool and if I stayed at my old job. I wasn't ready to continue to hear homophobic comments, and ridding my life of that crap has improved it.

The only thing in life I want is peace of mind, everything else is optional, so that is what I am working on. The reason I suggest removing yourself from triggers is because they affect your self worth and are what are giving you these negative feelings.

I too am scared about having that one bad day where I just do it, which really does make me consider therapy or at least doing something. It is a gut feeling that you know you can't trust yourself because you know how bad your thoughts can get and it is just nerve racking to be afraid of what you can do to yourself and may be confusing to someone who hasn't felt like that before.

So at least know your not alone, and with the above paragraph know you should do something. I am in the same boat though not severe, and know that something has to be done.

I want to go to school, get a decent job, and have a decent life, but it is all impossible with the mindset you and I have.

Music is the only thing so far that can eliminate the feelings completely, I don't feel as alone when I listen.