Wasnt sure where to post this, so this is what I'm trying... So I have come out to myself and a few others now, including my gf. I told her and promised her that I wouldn't act on my thoughts. I thought that in making this commitment, that the urges to do things sexually with guys would go away, or that I could suppress things. I have always been able to suppress my sex drive, almost to nothing. It seems however that since I have come to think about this more and accepted it, my sex drive is really revved up and I am having trouble pushing it down. So I guess my questions - is this normal? Have I opened some sort of floodgate? I'm old enough that my sex drive shouldn't be out of control but it appears to be now. Am I kidding myself and my partner about not being able to suppress things? I haven't ever acted on my urges with guys before so I wondering if it will just get out of control?? I certainly don't confuse orientation with action but I'm trying to prepare myself a bit. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
To add another thought to this....I almost feel like I'm becoming obsessed with my newfound acceptance of my orientation. It seems like all I think about... That doesn't feel normal to me either.
When we forbid ourselves from something we want, it just makes it more attractive to us, because we can't have it. I mean, if you feel the decision you've made is the one for you, I wish you best of luck in your endeavors, but it's going to be a hard path.
It's totally normal. When I first sort of realized I was gay, I more or less accepted it fairly quickly. And when I did, my libido shot through the roof. And that sort of made sense at the time. It was like my body was saying "Now that you know what you really want, and you're cool with it, let's go out and GET some!" Will it calm down over time? Probably to a degree. But mine hasn't completely calmed down almost two and a half decades later. Lex
Was the same for me, and I've previously used the exact same words "my libido shot through the roof" to describe it. The closet can only hold so much, the doors are bound to open up one day and let everything loose.
Thanks for the responses so far.... Am I just fighting a losing battle? It seems that way from the responses at this point. I know that cheating is a choice I wouldn't make but I also don't want to hurt her if by staying I just delay the inevitable?
It's something I'd say you'll need to discuss with her. There are several options open to you two. * Stay together, remain monogamous. Use porn, imagination and masturbation to keep your libido under control. Maybe you think that's possible, or maybe it isn't. * Stay together, open the relationship. There are many different "levels" of open-ness you can both agree to. Maybe you'd be happy just "camming" with another guy from time to time. Maybe you'd be fine with hooking up (safely) with a guy on rare occasions. Maybe you'd like "a guy on the side". Maybe you'd both like complete disclosure on all of these. Maybe she'd like to meet the guys. Maybe she doesn't want to know anything about any of them, or when it happens. And of course, she's welcome to come up with what SHE would like to do on the side, as well. None of these are "cheating" if done with the full knowledge of the partner. * Break up but remain friends. Lex
Well, option 2 is out. She has already so no to that. So I guess it is down to 1 or 3. I don't know that I would feel comfortable with 2 either anyway. If option 1, would I need to tell her about that or is it something I keep to myself? Should I be open about option 1 as well?
I guess that would depend on your relationship. Most gay (male) couples I know are pretty accepting that masturbation takes place, and most don't take it personally at all. (Probably because they're both doing it.) I certainly wouldn't do so within an hour or two of a time when it's possible/probably that she might ask for sex. You can certainly tell her you've mulled it over, and you've decided to stick with it without seeing anybody outside the relationship. You can tell her you'll jerk off to porn if you think she's OK with discussing that, but if not, I don't know if it's necessary. Lex
